I understand what you're feeling. I've been married for 20+ years. There is no connection. I moved out after my H moved his mother to live with us. My home no longer felt like my home. I do miss my kids and wake up an hour early so I can go back to the house to get them ready for school. Sometimes people grow apart. It's sad but it happens. You can choose to stay in it and pretend or move on.

AP with thongs and flaws...but still crazy about her even though she doesn't come close to who your wife is. But you don't love your wife and lost respect for her You have the answer to your happiness. Separation and divorce is never easy and ever more difficult when kids are involved...so do we just stay and pretend or make
a change? Either way it's not going to be easy. You just need to make a choice that is the best for you.

Hi There...I wanted to comment on your post....

To quote WhiteCat, one of our members (miss you Cat!), she would say, "What is your end game here?"
It really struck a chord with many of us....what do we want to come of this, for you, for your family/wife, and for your AP? What is your end game?

What struck me the most was when you talked about your wife.....you have lost love for her, respect for her, but she is has stuck by your side despite infidelity, and you don't love her, you want happiness, you have a life you don't want......

Just for a second imagine someone was saying that about you......."You know my husband, ChillWill, great guy, but I just don't love him, he's got me in a life I don't want to live, he keeps taking me back, I'm not happy with him, I feel trapped and stuck and I got this other guy on the side---HOT! I'm so crazy about him...." Would you for one second want to be living under the same roof as that person? Really?

I chose to stay with my H because I want to stay with my husband (and, yes, I had a convo similar to that because he deserved to know I wasn't happy and (surprise!) he wasn't either!), but we chose to stay together not because I/we feel we have to, not because of our children (and yes, one especially would be devastated if I left, the others might not notice...), but because with a lot of soul searching and a lot of therapy simply he is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. And believe me when you are older and the kids are out of the house and you are staring at the person sitting across the dinner table from you and have nothing to say.....you think its a lot of work now, wait till that happens....

I agree life is entirely too short to be anything but happy and do what makes you joy...but that goes for her too...and I know it isn't easy....it has taken me YEARS to come to this place, but ultimately we need to be honest with people in our lives, people are basically good, people deserve to know the truth if they are living with someone who doesn't love them, or want them, or they are living a lie.......we have to tell them.....not everyone is going to respond well, that's a given, no?.....but, ultimately you will probably be doing your spouse a favor too and allowing her to find someone who does love her, who does want to be faithful to her, and who does value and respect her. I would want to know......my life is too short and my time is too valuable to waste it with someone who really doesn't have the same end game in mind as I do.......

It all comes down to choices and what brings you (and her) joy in your life.

Shoretimenow, I really want to do the right thing here. I really do. Do you know of anyone that has been where I am and has decided to stay and do the right thing and went nc. I tried to go nc and it didn't work. During that short time I did feel as if it could workout. At the same time it felt manufactured, probably because I was trying to convince myself that this is what I wanted.

My end game? I don't know. I'm lost like ship without a sail here. I need guidance. I'm in a bad place. Biblically I know what the right thing is to do but my flesh has taken over. Before the affair I was done with the marriage but after I confessed to the A my wife has turned into this amazing person better than I married. I feel at times that it is too little too late and others I feel screwed because I don't think I can do the no contact.

I've thought of moving out and letting the A run its course but I'm tired of being the bad guy also. I hate I got myself into this. I wish I would have closed this door or worked on it at least before closing and then moved on. No pity wanted, I just messed up big time. Can't wait to get on the other side of this.

ChillWill, I second a lot of what Shoretime said in that I would not want to be your wife and have a husband who does not love me, does not want to be with me, is not attracted to me, but thinks I'm a wonderful person. I would want to have the freedom to find another person who does cherish me the way I deserve. I feel you owe your wife that honesty. But until that time, you're holding her captive with your A and your indecisions. You need to confront this and not let it fester.

The decision you need to make is easy. The aftermath of the decision is not. You say, " I will stay and fight for this marriage." Boom, done. But with that comes an endless longing for your AP. Probably too, an underlying resentment builds, directed at your wife, that you are "stuck" in this marriage that doesn't give you the thrill of the A. You may work hard now to "manufacture" a happy marriage, but soon the marriage returns to its 'normal' state, one of complacency and predictability. Then what happens from there? With the decision to stay, you better seriously do some soul-searching if that's what you truly want, and be happy with that decision. Yes, it's normal to still wish for your AP. I've been there, I understand. But your W shouldn't pay the price for that longing. She deserves love and someone who wants her. And to be happy.

Alternatively, you decide "I'm leaving". Boom, done, decision made. With that, you can reach out to your AP and have a go at it. And during the "honeymoon" phase when you're actually together without fear of being caught, you're loving it. Sex galore, no worries about kids and problems, frequent trips, fun dinners, cozy movies on the couch. That's great. But then, reality sets in. You learn of her nuances. She learns of yours. Your schedules may not coincide. You don't have the same conversations you did in the beginning. There's no more talk of what's missing in your marriage, because you have none. Basically, the honeymoon phase ends and what's left is another form of your current marriage, only to a different woman. She MAY be a better fit and it all works out. But you've indicated she's not close to whom your W is now. So there's a good chance that after all the fun and newness wears off, you're left with regret.

And, I haven't even yet mentioned the other side to this decision to leave. Would you handle your W meeting someone new? Would you be jealous? What if you saw your W was really happy and has moved on quite nicely? Would that sting? And, how do you feel about another man stepping in and co-parenting your kids? How would you handle him moving in and being the "man" of that house now?

Either way you go, you need to handle it like a man when you do decide. If you leave, grant your W the truth and the freedom that she deserves. No game playing and no regret down the road. Give her everything without any hassles during the divorce, because, none of that materialistic stuff and custody should matter anyway. Take it like a man and accept your losses. Let your W go and put your energy into being a good father and good partner to your AP or someone else down the road.

If you stay, you still owe your W the truth. Communicate with her your feelings and what pulled you out of the marriage to begin with. I fully agree with Shoretime in that the brutal truth is needed in order to grow. Otherwise, unhappiness will always fester just below the surface and in your mind, you'll always have one foot out the door. And who knows, you may discover just the same that your W isn't happy either. Perhaps SHE can't handle it and wants out despite of you staying. Very possible.

BigStep, my wife knows how I feel and what I'm dealing with but what she thinks it is as simple as just deciding to do so. Maybe, I'm weak or that type of person that sabotage anything that is going well for them.
Many times I have thought of leaving because I feel she deserves better, that at times I feel I can handle. Having someone else parenting my children not so much. She just sent me a text telling me that I should think about moving out to clear my on Wednesday when my son leaves for camp.

I'm going to go no contact again. Things were getting better when I did before in a short period of time. I have to give my marriage an honest effort before moving on.

In the end, you and your wife can decide to have whatever kind of marriage or divorce you want. In my case, we decided to keep living together and coparenting peacefully for now.

"Do you know of anyone that has been where I am and has decided to stay and do the right thing and went nc"

Yep. Many of us do; and have.

Many of us have given up "loves of our life" (some by choice and some by someone else's choice) and many of us have struggled - I mean STRUGGLED through those first few days/weeks/months of NC.

Many of us remained in our marriages; but know that we will never love again the way we did for our AP.

One of us even drove his AP of several years to hate him, because it was the only road to NC; yet comments on a regular basis that he'll be in love with her until the day he dies.

None of this shit is easy. Buckle up. You're in familiar company. We get it.