I have been both OW and BS. I can say that without exception it is easier to handle if your spouse tells you. BSes who find out on their own or by someone else telling them always feel doubly betrayed. If he is already asking about your texting, is there a chance that he could discover the affair on his own by going through records?

If it is eating at you and you are feeling guilt, telling the truth is a way to relieve it. I have also heard from many that trying to keep the secret and rebuild the marriage is terribly difficult. It feels like a wall is up between you, because there is. You are guarding your secrets and always holding back part of yourself.

On the other hand, having dealt with a passive/aggressive spouse, it is terribly difficult to talk to them. If you do tell, I would suggest that you speak with your MC individually first to prepare yourself, get a game plan together, and work out a contingency plan no matter how he ends up responding. He could blow up, walk out, yell, cry, sit in numb silence, or any other combination imaginable. He may also say it is a deal-breaker, then backtrack (or not, there is always that possibility). You will need to be mentally prepared for any or all of it.

Jaded is absolutely right.

I wish I had ended my A, come clean and told my wife before she found out on her own. The pain of the secret, based on my wife's pain, is almost as bad as the infidelity itself. And secrets CANNOT be kept forever, especially when guilt is in the room.

Just know, once you tell (and I think you should) things WILL, in the short term at least, probably get worse at home. And the MC topic will change focus.

All will not magically be better, but telling the truth is ultimately the right thing to do. Strong relationships cannot be built with secrets and lies as the foundation. And even if he doesn't know and never finds out, the wall you've started by holding back part of yourself, will only get taller and thicker.

Jaded has given you good advice. Do you think he already knows? You said he has control of the cell phone account. The only way I kept my H in the dark was because I wouldn't let him see the cell records. They would have been damning. Also, I knew what he was up to but didn't want to confront him about it. It is possible that if it dies and you have no more contact, he will see that and be relieved. In that case, maybe he doesn't want to have the details. In any case, I wouldn't do anything right now. Today or next week won't really change the outcome. As Jaded said, take time to prepare yourself.

Also, realize that if things blow up, your kids will be caught in the middle. The baby won't know but the older one will realize something is very wrong. My husband and I both said some not so nice things to each other and my son was the innocent victim caught in the middle. (My H saw some calls in my phone way early on and I told him who it was. He flipped.) That is probably why I never told him what has gone on, but I don't know if that was the right decision for our marriage or not.

I told but only because I couldn't stand the lies anymore. I was making huge mistakes at work and I knew that if he had found out on his own he would more than likely leave me. He also didn't have access to our phone records or he would have found out immediately, he now does and checks them weekly.
H is not passive/aggressive, but extremely open so I think that helps. He is usually very in tune to my feelings but was clouded by his own issues and wasn't paying attention. Be prepared for the fallout and for it to go in waves. H has been very supportive over the past couple of months but this last week he blew up at me while we were in counseling and I wasn't prepared for it. Of course I immediately wanted to go back to OM for support, but can't do that anymore.
Good luck and let us know how you decide to handle it.

I don't know. That is a tough one.

I do know what hurts a ton. Being told a little bit, then being told a little bit more, then finding out a little more, etc. really takes a toll on a person. It's called "trickle truth" but should be called trickle hell, cuz its death by 1000 slices.

I think people differ in how many details they want to know. I also think what people want to know comes in waves.

I also think they ask for some details they later regret. Don't be afraid to say something like I will not lie to you, but also think you need to sit for a while on if you really want to know that level of detail. Buy time and try to make someone really think over time if they want to know a detail. Once known you cannot unknow something.

I would have ready a timeline of the progression of the affair. I would not bring it, but I would have it accessible if needed. Included in this would be some estimation of places and frequency. Just discussing it will be confusing. A timeline can help.

I would be ready to handle the inevitable comparisons that he will make. All of us will start to wonder how we stack up, if the our spouses/ lovers were more adventuresome with the affair partner, how the sex was, size, stamina, etc.

I would have my answers for these questions ready.

People want to know why? I would have somewhat of a why response ready, even if its loose and still being formed.

Not telling is also a lie, but personally, I would rather be told that someone is not willing to share that level of detail with me than to tell me "I don't know" or "I can't remember" when I know in my gut that they do. These are called lies of omission.

I think that is all I can come up with right now.

Hope it helps.

The thing is, he's asking questions because he can see the elephant, too. He just doesn't know where it came from. You already know all the possible negative feelings that are likely to come up if you tell. But he may be relieved to know that he's not just nuts and seeing elephants where there are none.

It might help to let him know if that is part of your reason for telling, that you don't want to engage in gaslighting him. Everyone knows how strongly I feel about that particular form of abuse. It's just so harmful, as we need faith in our perceptions to be safe in life.

Why don't you give it some more time and let things settle down first. Personally I feel that if it is over and you recommit yourself then you can move on from there. Consider it a mistake and a learning experience. Once you tell you cannot take it back.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. There's a lot of good advice here. I will really consider it all.

I told my H after it ended for the same reasons as stated above. My OM's W found out and sent me an email. I didn't have to tell H. However, as stated before, I don't know if the OM or his W would've told but I wanted it to come from me. There has been NC from either of them or me since DDay. Of course it was hard, but you stated you have God in your life and that was the only thing that has gotten us this far. I chose not to give all the details b/c it can be so damaging from what BS said on here about not being able to be together without thinking about the 3rd person all the time. My H said most men are very visual. So, I didn't want him visualizing details when we would be doing some of the same things I did with OM. He had questions but telling him that seemed to help. We are actually able to ping pong and be there for each other's feelings for first time. It's going to take lots of prayers and time with God and lots of forgiveness of yourself and from him. Sounds like you have a good support network in place to help. Good luck and I would get it out of the way soon. He might wonder what took so long after the breakup to tell him. Just my thoughts on this struggling bumpy road with the rest of us.

Well, Goingtobe said it all the best.

I saw the elephant years before dday. I used to say "there is nothing you can ever do or say that will convince me you didn't cheat on me, I beleive deep in my soul you cheated". He still denied.

We were seperated when he told me. Turns out him telling me was the best thing that could have happened. I had more hatred, anger and pain during the lying years. I'm not saying that knowing was easy. Infact it was very painful.

There is no cookie cutter way of doing this. Although I do think counseling is one good option as is at home with kids on a sleepover. My H told me in his truck with all objects out of reach. He was sure I would get physical. The thing is, I wasn't blindsided.

I hope you find a way to do this. The guilt ate my H alive for years. Don't let that happen to you.