Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
My story: 37, in a loving marriage, while messing around with a lot of girls. This all started 10 years ago, and intensified over time. It ended (I hope!) 63 days ago when I confessed to my serial behavior (it had been 2 years since last trespass.)
I cheated without feeling signficant remorse or regret, just for the vibrancy of it. I hugged my wife and told her that I loved her (and I meant it), and we had better sex than I had with any of my A's. But I cheated again: I just liked girls, and they like me too, and I used that to have fun. And I could never understand why my wife always acted like something was wrong in the marriage. I look at my past aghast...
Evolution is partly to blame I'm sure, but I refuse to hide behind that excuse. Men and women are both s programmed for passing their genes. Men can do it by having sex with as many different women as possible, while women can do their best by having a caring and loving male take care of them (and their child in the future), while they get impregnated by a strong alpha-male, without their partner knowing about it, thus increasing their genetic diversity, creating a stronger offspring. There's a lot of info on this, just search for evolutionary psychology, sperm war, Red Queen, etc...
While a lot of people cheat once or twice, very few get away with it repeatedly. Once they are discovered, they mostly stop, but not because they don't want to do it anymore, but because they are afraid of the consequences (cost/benefit analysis fall against them).
There are some who get away with it repeatedly, the so-called serial cheaters. I think most people are discovered because they start acting weird, because they feel bad, and their partner finds out, or they simply break to the pressure, and confess it (as I did, somewhat reluctantly as I was being discovered ina blossoming, unconsummated affair). The thing was that I felt practically no remorse at all for the majority of the indiscretions. I would sleep with a girl whose name I didn't even know and come home to my wife the same day and sleep together later (often, I felt myself more "attentive" to her and sex was generally better). When I realized that I could lie and deceive without any effort I began to wonder if I might be a psychopath of some sort, so I researched the subject of Anti Social Personality Disorder, and I show some symptoms, but not nearly enough to be diagnosed as one (e.g. I have above average intelligence and charm, I can easily manipulate people, I get bored easily, I'm impulsive; but I don't hurt animals/people, or get in trouble with the law regularly). I actually have enormous empathy (part of what makes my seducing behavior effective!), and I wasn't a misbehaving child, or from a broken home or show other "addictive" habits.
There is a part of me that is a loving and caring husband and a part of me that is a "bad boy", enjoying my youth and virility, and these two parts never talk to, or meet each other. And I lived a happy life until my conscience began knocking.
Now my wife is devastated and I'm surprised. It's awful to realize how insensitive I've been. I honestly felt that my behavior was a "victimless" crime. And now I realize I've harmed my beloved and my 3 wonderful children. I want OUT of this habit.
I cheated without feeling signficant remorse or regret, just for the vibrancy of it. I hugged my wife and told her that I loved her (and I meant it), and we had better sex than I had with any of my A's. But I cheated again: I just liked girls, and they like me too, and I used that to have fun. And I could never understand why my wife always acted like something was wrong in the marriage. I look at my past aghast...
Evolution is partly to blame I'm sure, but I refuse to hide behind that excuse. Men and women are both s programmed for passing their genes. Men can do it by having sex with as many different women as possible, while women can do their best by having a caring and loving male take care of them (and their child in the future), while they get impregnated by a strong alpha-male, without their partner knowing about it, thus increasing their genetic diversity, creating a stronger offspring. There's a lot of info on this, just search for evolutionary psychology, sperm war, Red Queen, etc...
While a lot of people cheat once or twice, very few get away with it repeatedly. Once they are discovered, they mostly stop, but not because they don't want to do it anymore, but because they are afraid of the consequences (cost/benefit analysis fall against them).
There are some who get away with it repeatedly, the so-called serial cheaters. I think most people are discovered because they start acting weird, because they feel bad, and their partner finds out, or they simply break to the pressure, and confess it (as I did, somewhat reluctantly as I was being discovered ina blossoming, unconsummated affair). The thing was that I felt practically no remorse at all for the majority of the indiscretions. I would sleep with a girl whose name I didn't even know and come home to my wife the same day and sleep together later (often, I felt myself more "attentive" to her and sex was generally better). When I realized that I could lie and deceive without any effort I began to wonder if I might be a psychopath of some sort, so I researched the subject of Anti Social Personality Disorder, and I show some symptoms, but not nearly enough to be diagnosed as one (e.g. I have above average intelligence and charm, I can easily manipulate people, I get bored easily, I'm impulsive; but I don't hurt animals/people, or get in trouble with the law regularly). I actually have enormous empathy (part of what makes my seducing behavior effective!), and I wasn't a misbehaving child, or from a broken home or show other "addictive" habits.
There is a part of me that is a loving and caring husband and a part of me that is a "bad boy", enjoying my youth and virility, and these two parts never talk to, or meet each other. And I lived a happy life until my conscience began knocking.
Now my wife is devastated and I'm surprised. It's awful to realize how insensitive I've been. I honestly felt that my behavior was a "victimless" crime. And now I realize I've harmed my beloved and my 3 wonderful children. I want OUT of this habit.
One thing you said.....you are surprised your wife is devastated? You confessed to her you have been cheating for the past 10 years of your marriage with multiple women, she probably is very devastated.
I agree that in the intensity of an A, you can skew your perception that 'you aren't hurting anyone'. In the thick of it, I felt the same the way and when I did feel guilt, I tried very hard to dismiss it.
Have you ever tried counseling? I think that to figure out why you do or did what you do would be important, what you can do to avoid those temptations again, and most importantly what you can do to strengthen your union with your wife. CA can be an excellent adjunct to therapy, journal, get out your thoughts, make some friends.....but an actual therapist would be better equipped to diagnose you with a PD if in fact you have one but at least give you the tools you need to work on yourself to achieve your goals.
Clearly, though, some part of me was desensitized to basic human betrayal. I have always prided myself on being honest and kind, and this is why I thought if she never knew she would never be hurt.
I'm seeing a psychologist and a counselor, and enrolled in 1 (maybe 2) groups. I've tested for addiction and don't appear to fall fully into that category (though given time I'm sure it would have).
I'm broken and devastated myself, and am trying to overhaul my life. I'll do whatever it takes.
You sound *exactly* like me when I showed up here! I want out of it too. Not just for the love of my family but the love of myself. Like you I've done all the research and searched for all the answers.
It's a long journey with some teeeeny tiny steps forward, as well as a few backwards. Hang in there! Welcome and good luck!
Can I get your opinion on something?
I'm committed to rebuild my marriage and my wife has said she is as well. However, 50 days after confession she engaged in her own (miniature) deceit: she secretly prepared and filed divorce paperwork during what I thought was intense healing and "radical honesty." I was presented with the papers and given 15 minutes to leave my home and children.
I can hardly begrudge her this (God knows, I might have done the same!), but *why* she did it is still haunting us. She says she did it because I wasn't displaying proper remorse or repentance. Since I know the depth of my sorrow and desire to change, this strikes me as unconstructive at best.
I've been away from her for a couple of weeks at her request since she needs time and space to heal. I'm doing my best to honor her every request and to being totally transparent. This has led to a gradual thawing, and she's indicated a willingness to rescind the divorce papers.
But even as of last night on the phone, I find myself unable to passively accept her imputing of feelings & actions to me: ("you still aren't remorseful", "you were an inattentive father"). These things are untrue: I'm so broken and sad, I'm dipping into suicidal lows. And I'm a wonderfully attentive father (and even husband!), far moreso than is average I think.
I'm just so afraid that her her establishing these "truths" is hindering our healing; that she is creating a false narrative designed to justify her extreme anger and betrayal.
How can I honor her pain without accepting (or even promoting) blatant untruths which paint me as a greater monster than I am? Should I just accept the caricature as the necessary byproduct of my awful activity?
Also, you do not mention having an or ending an A. In the sense of an intense relationship that you are hurting over. Your pain and confusion is great. I understand, so I am not trying to minimize it, but most of us have ended our relationship with the O and has that pain to deal with. If you are not having to deal with that consider it a blessing
Journaling: I have an immense compendium since Dday, I think I'll begin to upload to this site.
Affair: It's funny, but I'm a bit reluctant to even call my dalliances "affairs." It might be a distinction without a difference, but all of my indiscretions (15 or so, for what it's worth clinically), were more like "friends with privileges." I cannot say I "loved" any of them, though I was hardly insensitive either. I admit to having brief recollections of my longest, intermittent *amitie amareuse*, but I can't say I feel the pain that most literature references regarding withdrawal from an affair. I suppose that's a blessing, but I seems to concentrate most of my pain/emotion right at my W.
As for sex with her, it was never what I would call "adequate," though in hindsight I can see why! (my cheating was clearly altering the dynamic of our intimacy, even though I thought she was unaware). And yet, I never felt I was chasing OW in order to replace my wife, but justified it as supplementing meager rations (which is no defense, don't get me wrong...)
And I also can't honestly say my wife was a "nice" person: I felt so perennially unappreciated and plagued with her fearful insecurities even before I began cheating. Again, after I began cheating, it's perfectly obvious why she would feel & behave this way, but some nagging doubt makes me wonder if I ought to just try anew.
I suppose the only really right answer is to give this healing my all, to be as committed to rebuilding as I can, and if she can come around and forgive, love, and support me then we may have a joyful reunion.
If she can't then I'd better heal whatever defective sense of commitment I have so that I don't repeat this horrible chapter.
But oh, how it will hurt the children! I choke just thinking about it.
Nobody has sympathy for cheaters. Society hates us and considers us weak. How the hell is anyone supposed to find a healthy place starting from such a serious disadvantage? This is a good place. I'm glad you're here.
But I can't entirely trust her since her out-of-the-blue divorce and ex parte eviction (15 mins to leave my house and children, and she has "primary custody"). Am I being foolish not asserting my legal rights as a parent?
$3500 retainer for a lawyer and that's just the start. I'm at a loss.