Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Reading the codependency post was as if i had written it myself. I too have always been somebody's something. I never really had a break between boyfriends since i was 15.. and then i got married at 24... thinking id be someone's happiness and someone would be mine... instead i was ignored most of the time since the beginning of my marriage. fell pregnant immediately after getting married, miscarried 1 of the twins. And here i am 3 kids later- a mommy. depending on my role as mommy to make me happy. After my 1st born i found it with someone else. someone who needed me emotionally, then physically. Who understood my shortcomings, i never felt judged. but i was stupid. of course. 2 years the A, and then still communicating after in a "secret" friendship, i found out recently after i told my H about the affair (my H did a lot of digging up of my ex-AP)that he's a sex fiend who's been with everyone and everything incl his step-sisters and sis-in-law...i'm so disgusted mostly in me. i had never gotten this impression of him at all.
I told my H 4 months ago about the A... It feels like my H does not want to move forward. i know we can't just sweep things under the rug but please correct me if I'm wrong here: my H has made his background pic on his laptop of a pic of my ex-AP snd his wife!! he still spoke to his wife a few days go as she found her husband back to his old tricks (not with me) and thinks its with me. this has opened up a big wound and just when we were slowly moving forward things are now back to where they were at the beginning. My H has asked her more things about the A and my H wants to know a lot of the physical detail... now as lousy (and convenient) as this sounds this is genuine : i've blocked out a lot of the details and can't remember- i have always suffered memory problems and there are many things in my childhood that i blocked out somethings I'm not sure if they happened or if they were dreams i had... Anyway, i HATE going into the physical details its like digging up the past and stabbing my H in the heart, which I've already done...he says if i care about him i would stop putting my ex-AP first, to be honest with him... naturally he stills believes i will make contact with my ex-AP.. but i have NO intention to do so. when i told him i made NC i've honoured that.
I wish i could contact his wife and tell her to back off!
I told my H 4 months ago about the A... It feels like my H does not want to move forward. i know we can't just sweep things under the rug but please correct me if I'm wrong here: my H has made his background pic on his laptop of a pic of my ex-AP snd his wife!! he still spoke to his wife a few days go as she found her husband back to his old tricks (not with me) and thinks its with me. this has opened up a big wound and just when we were slowly moving forward things are now back to where they were at the beginning. My H has asked her more things about the A and my H wants to know a lot of the physical detail... now as lousy (and convenient) as this sounds this is genuine : i've blocked out a lot of the details and can't remember- i have always suffered memory problems and there are many things in my childhood that i blocked out somethings I'm not sure if they happened or if they were dreams i had... Anyway, i HATE going into the physical details its like digging up the past and stabbing my H in the heart, which I've already done...he says if i care about him i would stop putting my ex-AP first, to be honest with him... naturally he stills believes i will make contact with my ex-AP.. but i have NO intention to do so. when i told him i made NC i've honoured that.
I wish i could contact his wife and tell her to back off!
One main reason I keep my only A that involved a married man to myself is for fear of what you are describing. I couldn't handle having any contact with any of them.
Your H can process and work through his pain, but at some point it's going to have to come down to move forward, or don't.
I really do want to work on things and as Tulip said the one good thing about your spouse finding out is that you both know what to work through this is so true. We obviously had many problems before and everytime i tolf him we need to sort it out it just got overlooked now we've got an even bigger problem and we're forced to either work through it or give up. Divorce or separation is not even an option because of the kids and he says he still loves me very much that i am still the only woman for him... The problem is i can't believe this- why? I've always asked this - our communication really sucks.. Things are really great between us when we open up but these moments are so few since the beginning of our marriage... He is such a good, honourable man but i fear he is becoming consumed by the details of the A that we can't move foward .. I've told him this and he says he just wants the truth
You said you want to work things out. Do you seriously want to go on through life with someone telling you what you are allowed to do and what you are not? Does anyone really have the right to tell you that you cannot talk to your friends or family about your problems? I realize that there are definite dos and don'ts in a marriage--like don't lie or cheat are examples, but when someone shuts you off from talking to your friends when you feel that you need them---well, that is a huge red flag, IMHO.
Too bad you can't get into counseling with him. A counselor is probably what you guys need the most.
Sarah, i think he means well- he wants to keep things private and for very good reason. First to protect me and also because often when close relatives or friends get involved theres a lot biased advice given, and often ends badly. He too has not spoken to anyone.. he doesn't believe IC/MC will help as he believes people often give half stories, they're not completely honest. i think he's fear is that the advice given may lead to us splitting.
I would think that much of the advice that you will get on here will be similar to what your family and friends would advice. I can see wanting to keep things private, but I also know how it is to have friends you can confide in who will keep it to themselves, and sometimes one needs a voice to talk to when they are hurting. Do you have anyone like that that you can trust?
I wish you well--you have an uphill battle ahead of you.
i also found a song by Sara Bareiiles - She Used To Be Mine that resonates with me deeply.. i couldn't listen to music for a long while. It's just too painful..This song is just as tough to listen to but in a good kind of way.. perhaps many of us could relate...