I am so sorry you experienced that as a child. There is no such thing as 'midly' sexually abusing a child. I hope you will consider getting help to work through that and I hope he had consequences for his actions.

I found your post interesting because BOTH my parents cheated. I caught both/walked in on both (different times, different situations) and my therapist said that cheating can be, and probably was for me, a LEARNED behavior. I learned that its ok to cheat in a M and that its ok to not stick things out and work on your issues and to find someone/something else.

Its quite possible that your behavior stemmed from what you were 'taught' or 'experienced' and also your low self esteem and tolerating HIS behavior of teasing you and making you confess to your parents and children. Who the HELL is he to tell you, you HAVE to tell your children anything and your parents, you are a grown woman. My question to you is why do you want him in your life? If you are in your 50's your parents must be in their 70s at least and he wants you to tell your parents (?) ....after not being in your life actively for a year and a half. Why doesn't he tell his parents and children that he has been stringing you along for a year and a half and pokes fun at your appearance to the point where it is even mildly disturbing to you. He needs to grow the hell up. I would dump his ass and work on yourself.

And yes, its common for the other person to want to know details after cheating; however, is not and hasn't been committed to you for a year and a half. He doesn't need to know anything. You may just want to cut your losses and say, "We had some deficits in our relationship that caused me to cheat, its been a year and a half, either you want to forgive and move on or not. If not, dont' waste my time". I think someone 'making' you tell your kids/parents is a form a emotional abuse and for what??? Its not like he has a ring on your finger or any kind of commitment to you in over a year.

It was hard to end it because it because you become addicted to the feeling, the experience, and he was probably building up your self esteem cause it doesn't seem your boyfriend does that. Its a hard feeling to end.

I'm sorry for my rant. Good luck to you, but I would consider working on yourself and working through your demons. This guy only seems to bring you down. You are worth someone who values you.

What was the correlation?

Kelpo, I am sorry that you went through such abuse as a young person--and I agree with Shoretime, there is no such thing as mild sexual abuse.

I agree Shoretime, him telling her she had to tell her parents, etc. is ludicrous. That is absolutely not necessary, and it does sound like the boyfriend here is being controlling to demand such things. I cannot think of any way that doing this would help their relationship.

As a person who was cheated on by my boyfriend, (not a CS) my POV on the following will probably differ from some others on this forum. In my case, in order to rebuild, I did have to have total transparency and knowledge about what all went on in order to build the trust back up. Had my boyfriend refused to tell me what I needed to know, I would have walked. Simple as that. The fact that he put my needs to know first even though some of it was painful for him spoke volumes about how much he really did care for me and what he was willing to do in order for our relationship survive. I do believe that regardless of time involved, that if YOU want to rebuild the relationship, and if HE needs details and information in order to do so, that you really do need to tell him everything. And be prepared, you might have to continue answering questions over a longer period of time than you anticipate. Even though you are feeling that it is after the fact, evidently to your boyfriend, all of this is in the present, very real and hurtful, and he needs to be able to process the whole situation with full information in order to either begin trusting again or leave the relationship with full clarity.

And to answer your question about cheating being genetic. IMHO it is not, rather it is more about the environment/values you grew up with (your family's actions rather than their DNA), and it sounds like you got off to a shaky start with bad things happening to you. Again, like shoretime said, a learned behavior.

Thanks all.

I'm not looking to blame anyone or anything for my actions. I know what I did was very wrong.

For example - some people who are sexually abused - carry on the pattern.
In my case, there is no way that I wanted to put someone else through what I had been through. The thought never occurred to me. Although, my brother (who claims to have been sexually abused in Scouts) sexually abused our youngest sister (she was about 5 yrs. old - I found this out many years later).
I think the fact that he said it happened to him - is an excuse.

Part of my healing is to try to understand why I cheated when I knew it was so wrong. Why was I weak? Why did I give in?

Recently, I did hear that genetics play a part in it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/24/opinion/sunday/infidelity-lurks-in-your-genes.html?_r=0

*My xBF has usually been very good about complimenting me - and building up my self worth.
But there were many times - that he also made negative comments which I brushed off as his sense of humor and/or me being to sensitive. I would tell myself, 'not to make issues of the small things/pick your battles'

I also didn't think, that as an adult, my parents (or kids) needed to be involved in knowing what went on.
My parents don't tell me about every disagreement/issue/fight that they've had...nor do my kids.
I don't know if my xBF was/is thinking that by telling people, I am facing up to what I did - and to shame myself into better behaviors in order to prevent a re-occurrence...?

As I write in these forums - I think I am beginning to understand myself and why I cheated.
I hope to learn more and to become a better person!

Thank you for your thoughts and advice.

Error:

This comment: I think I may have been looking for approval - even though I was actually looking to start an affair - it just 'happened' and then...I didn't know how to end it...until I got caught!!

Should have read: "...even though I WASN'T actually looking to start an affair...."

I just wanted to clear that up. Thanks.

I appreciate all your thoughts, (even your rants - lol) your understanding, your advice and your kind words.

And yes, I have been trying to work on myself :)

I am glad that you are coming to a better understanding. You sound like you are intelligent and wanting to do the right thing going forward--two great traits.

Have you ever considered that the reason that you cheated might be because your boyfriend was not making you feel loved and treasured and secure? Evidently his negative joking comments were hurtful to you--and those were not small things if they hurt you. Not that cheating was the correct way to handle things, but often something of that nature can be the catalyst that causes people to go down a wrong road. Additionally, there is the Dopamine rush that comes with a new relationship that can really affect one's clear thinking. If you have not learned about neurotransmitters, perhaps doing so would help you gain even more understanding.

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for your kind words!

I have considered the many reasons (aka: poor excuses) 'why' I cheated.

My ex and I have been discussing this topic via email lately (instigated by me because I love him and would like him back in my life). My heart is pounding with nervousness and anticipation right now - because I see there is a reply in my email inbox from him.

When he originally found out that I cheated and we talked in great detail - I was very careful not to blame him for my actions..
But I think your suggested reasonings are, at least, partly correct...including the Dopamine rush. I will admit that it was very exciting and boost my self esteem.

My X is a smart man and very confident. He is a businessman who takes clients (men and women) out for wine and lunches fairly often. Sometimes, it made me feel insecure when he would talk about these lunches and say (for example) "I thought she was going to hug me" (as in: a very good friend/happy to see him, etc)
It made me feel insecure!

That loving, secure, treasured feeling you mentioned....isn't that what most women want?
That is part of the answer to 'why' I cheated....how do I tell him that..without making it seem as if I'm putting the blame on him for the affair!!??

I know that men's and women's brains are 'wired' differently. I often think that men 'don't get it' when it comes to what woman want and need (we want to feel desirable, loved, protected....we want to feel the passion in our/my relationship, sex is not just sex....sex is 'making love')

I would be afraid that he would see me as insecure, little/no self esteem. That is not the kind of woman he wants. So I hide my insecurities...rather than talk to him about them....as I think that he will judge me.

Also, if I told him what I was looking for...he may think that since it wasn't there at the time of the affair - then we have nothing to base our relationship on...no reason to move forward.

I have not heard of neurotransmitters but I will look online and see what I can find out.

PS

Very early in our relationship - he was the one who first said, "I love you"
Now I can probably count on one hand how many times he has said it; preferring to show it rather than say the words. He said "anyone" can say it....but actually showing it has more value.
He is right...I understand that...but I still like to hear it...and knowing that I like to hear it...if he had no problem showing - then I couldn't understand why he wouldn't also say it occasionally.
I tell my kids every day - every time we speak, that I love them!!

We also used to hold hands when out in public. That stopped long ago.I am a very demonstrative person - and I like physical contact!

You asked a very important question in your post--and that is how do you tell your ExBF about the reasons that led up to your cheating without making it seem that you are blaming him for the affair.

What he needs to realize is that you in no way shape or form hold him responsible for your (poor) decision to cheat rather than choosing to communicate with him--to either work out the problems or leave the relationship.

What happened is that you (and probably him too) had some needs that were not being met in this relationship. Instead of communicating and being real with each other, this was likely handled on his end by his negative joking comments and also by your decision to go elsewhere. He cannot any more be responsible for you cheating than you can for him making seemingly mean-spirited comments to you. Perhaps this will help him understand. He sounds like an intelligent guy.

I cannot stress how important communication is. And that includes the two of you letting each other see your vulnerabilities and insecurities. We all have some of those, given the right situation. Contrary to what many believe, peeling back the layers of your soul and letting each other see the true person inside often draws people closer together. I do know this from experience. My boyfriend and I do not love each other because we are perfect people (or even perfect foe each other). It is because we love the real person inside that we know as a result of openness and communication. That, my dear, is called intimacy!

I feel some kinship with you in this. My BF was also the first to say I love you (too early really), and he does like holding my hand. The difference is that this has continued (except for the bump in our road that was his A). Perhaps with some heart to heart communication, you two will be holding hands again!

But you both have to want it and do everything possible to help the other person get what they need.

Kelpo, Love the article, thanks for sharing.
I think there are many reasons why we cheat. Frequently, BS's, or betrayed boyfriends/girlfriends want to know the exact cause.....its my belief it is something in us. Its multifaceted. I think you would be best served by diving into that with an IC. I do know you mentioned that cost is a factor; however, you can get on a waiting list for county mental health services. They are free.

But like the article said, it doesn't mean we will cheat again....we have a choice. Its not an excuse, but it can certainly be a factor. All A's are different. There is no one and done answer.

If you are afraid for him to see you how you are because that 'is not the woman he wants'.....then to be perfectly fair, he is not the man for you. You should never ever ever change or be something you are not to win the 'love' of someone. Find someone who values you for exactly who you are. You deserve that. And you are absolutely correct, if you need to hear that he loves you.....then yes he should SHOW you he is listening or cares by saying exactly that.

I just hate seeing women stay by men who won't commit and play games like, "if you do this....I MIGHT do this...." Grow up. There are too many fish in the sea and one of those fish will value you for the strong, remarkable woman you are who has overcome so many adversities. And you know what he's not that confident, its an act, because confident people don't behave like this.