I am so lost... I cheated on my husband for two years, mostly through texts, pictures, sexting and 5 times in person physically. My AP was somebody i knew from 10 years ago.

The Story:

10 years ago my husband and I were in a very bad place. i left my country and moved to be with my husband. He is a wonderful human being and a man with integrity. I couldn't find a job in my field, and took a job that I was way over qualified for. I was depressed, sad and almost suicidal. To add to this, my wonderful and loving husband was working as a consultant and had to travel every week and sometimes, for weeks at a time.

I met my AP at my job and he was sweet, and kind and caring. He took interest in my wellbeing and lonliness and tried to be a shoulder to cry on. Before i knew it, i was in bed with him. We had a 5 month affair. I slept over at his place once and we went to work together. It felt like a relationship and a partnership.

My husband then stopped travelling as much as his project moved closer to home. We started talking about starting a family. I ended it with my AP and it was an easy transition. I was ashamed of what i had done and swore that i would never do this again. My husband found some emails that consisted of pictures that I had sent to my AP. I lied to him and swore that it was just pictures. I rationalized it to myself because the affair had ended for a while now when the discovery of the email was made.

A month after that, my AP contacted me and tol dme that his wife (girlfriend at the time) was uneasy about our relationship and wanted him to stop talking to me. I was ok with this and we lost all connection.

I got pregnant and we now have two children (9;6).

In 2015, my AP contacted me (after 7 years of no contact) and asked if we could connect. I asked him if his wife knew that he was connecting. He said he would tell her but he needed to find the right time. I told my husband right away and asked him multiple times if he was ok for me to re-connect (I wish I had made the right decision myself, since I knew more of the truth about my relationship with AP than he did. I know it wasn't fair to leave the decision to my husband. It was selfish). My husband, who is a fantastic person, said that it was not his place to tell mne who I can or cannot be friends with. SO... i accepted the offer to connect and went to see my AP. I had ZERO intention of having anything more than a friendship. He admitted to me that he has tried to connect in the past by using fake FB accounts, but I have never accepted requests.

We ended up having sex... and it could have ended there, but i didn't. I kept the 'relationship' going over texts. In total, we were physically together 5 times in the span on two years (2015-2017), including in motel room.

We were texting recently and he took a screenshot of something to send to his wife, as my text was coming in. She found out and thretened to tell my husband. Out of fear, I told my husband. At first, I lied. I told him about the time that i wasn't expecting it and it happened in the car.

Since then, my husband, who is suffering so much, begged me to tell him everything as he is in constant state of dread. It was the hardest thing i had to do, but i told him. He is hurt about the times that sex was planned. He is plagued by the thoughts of me leaving our home, him, my children, knowing that i was going to sleep with another man.

I am embarrassed, humiliated and so ashamed of what I have done to us. I cannot explain why i did it. I wish i had an answer. Everytime I was with my AP, i cried on the way back home, but i always went back for nore, be that in the form of sexting or sex. I can't look at myself in the mirror without hating everything I see.

My husband wants to work at it and i am so afraid that he won't love me the same way. I want him to be well...I am here on this page, fully knowing that i will probably get hate for being a cheater and a homewrecker, but I need help in knowing what I can do to help my husband in this process. I am fully willing and able to be patient through all his hurt and sadness and even hate towards me from time to time.

I feel like a bad person, even though I always try to do the right thing. Well...Almost always. I am so sorry!