I'm sorry you are in this place. Been there too. Seems like when things are particularly shitty at home is when my mind looks for an out of any kind, affair...abandonment of it all...anything to feel better, have hope for the future. Keep in mind that these feelings will pass, they usually do. Don't read too much into it. It's a bad day, maybe several bad days and we feel weak. The hard part is to train ourselves to not seek escape, but to address the emptiness and find something healthy and sustainable to go to in these low moments. I know easier said than done. I'm still struggling too. I remind myself that in the end, the affair brought nothing but more pain.

I'm sorry for the pain. I completely understand.

I'm four months our from my affair, which was with a coworker, who I still have to see occasionally. He acts like I don't exist. It's painful and while I've tried to maintain contact, he either doesn't respond or tells me to let it go. I'm still devastated daily. Sometimes I struggle minute to minute (today is one of those days).

I hope it gets better for you. I'd like to say things will get better speaking from my experience, but I can't.

Hang in there.

The problem is a catch 22. You don't feel loved so you pursue things that further damage your soul, which makes you feel worse about yourself and less lovable which continues your cycle.

The problem is the duplicity of your outward façade and your true self.

When people admire your façade you can't feel loved because consciously or subconsciously you know they don't know who you really are underneath. You make thing, "if they really knew who I was and what I've done..."

Everyone puts their best face forward, but when this becomes more than just an exaggeration we disconnect who we really are with what we present others as our self.

Relief will only come with living authentically and pursuing true change rather than behavioral modification.