Ooooohhh......I've been there.
Truthfully, its the most difficult thing I've ever done---that is,stopping almost 6 years of having an A/A's. Its only been 5 months and this is the longest I've been out since 2009.
So...I totally get it.
But....I stayed on here during the emotional rollercoaster of the A and it helped to guide me, think clearly, etc so don't step away... We are here for you.

We are here to talk, if you need support.

When you say "Feelings of Guilt" do you mean to say that you are experiencing them or experiencing a relief from them? I was just thinking about guilt and how I do not feel it. It's been a year since my A ended, but I am yet to feel remorse. What do you think that says about me? About you? Are we twisted or just broken?

Most of us who have been on this site have gone back and forth with Affair partner. I know I did, so do not feel like you have to go away, because you are still struggling or back in the A. This is why we are here to help each other. I have been on here since 2011. I was off again on again with affair partner for 2 years. It has been 3 years since I have been in the A, and it is a process of emotionally letting go. I am for the most part over the OM (other man), but there are times I miss him, and hence you will see me on here regrouping. I will not go back to A. While it was exciting and wonderful at times, it was also extremely stressful and I ended up not liking myself very much. I truly have a wonderful (not perfect, but wonderful) husband and I truly do not want to lose him or my family. It is a more peaceful life without the A. I can look in the mirror again and be fairly happy with the imperfect person I see standing in front of it.

Thank you Shoretime. I knew I wasn't the only one.

Whisky, I had some twinges of guilt that I am back into the relationship. I actually feel more guilt doing this to my AP's wife! I really don't think I'm/we're twisted. Certainly some brokenness... I thought about your question a while... My thoughts are that in my case, I don't much guilt because I don't really have to do any lying or sneaking around to get together with my OM. Of course, I know it is lying, but you know what I mean when I say I don't have to come up with stories and reasons for being out of the house. Without going into details, my H really lives in his own little world. I think I would feel very guilty for coming up with stories or verbally lying to him.

BlueSky, thank you for your support. It is a struggle. I think we have a lot in common in this situation.

Trust me… I think that many of us have been in and out of our affairs. I finally reached a point where I was so sick and tired of the emotional roller coaster that it caused, that I told myself I had to get out and stay out. It really was making me unhappy when it boils down to it. I would have a high when I was talking to him or when I was with him, but then other times I would feel bad and/or I would be missing him and I would be at an all-time low. I absolutely started to detest the way that it made me feel. And when I finally made the conscious decision that it was over, I physically felt the weight come off my shoulders.

None of us on here blame you for getting back into it. And it definitely can be a long process. I found that more than focusing on the highs that you feel when you're with him and involved, focus on whether or not you feel good when you are at your lows. Do you really want to go back-and-forth between those two things?

Yes, waddicted, those feelings are EXACTLY why I ended it the first time. It was a horrible emotional roller coaster. I think that if I get back on that roller coaster, I'll have to end it again. The good/bad thing is (however you look at it), that this time around with my OM, I'm not as obsessed, I don't feel bad when I'm not with him anymore. I have calmed my mind. That's for now! We'll see.....