Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
So I have had a rollercoaster of a few weeks. Blackout drunk, cheated on my parter first and only time in 22 years. She saw the act.
i thought I had lost her. I was heartbroken and willing to do anything to fix it. Wasn’t having an affair, no emotions involved. I was just blackout drunk, childish stupid and disrespectful.
she was In lot of pain and I didn’t think I’d ever reach her. She is older than me and very much the boss. I had expressed my sexual frustrations for many years and asked for help in other ways, that had also been ignored.
the resentments I had blinded me to the truth. That my wife is a saint, and I’m a pig.
last night our daughter came home. We were a lovingly family unit for that time. I thanked my wife for not damaging my relationship with our daughter.
my daughter left. My wife went for a shower, then came into the bedroom and instigated sex. She hasn’t allowed me to perform oral sex on her for over 15 years. It being something I have sorely missed. She knows I find her very desirable.
She instigated this sexual act in this instance. I tried to resist. I didn’t know if she was testing me, tricking me, punishing me. I really tried to resist out of my love and respect for her.
but I obviously caved and we had a great time in bed. She has since returned to normal. We chat, we make plans we hug.
i feel like I have swapped realities. I feel like I may have gone crazy. Or maybe I had a dream.
has she forgiven, does she now understand we built our problems together. That with more honesty and openness we can move forward stronger. Does she recognise my regret and the changes I have made. Alcohol treatment, cutting toxic friends out of life and assuring her I want no one else.
or is all a final act of cruelty. My head hurts. Thoughts welcome
She may be trying to sweep it under the rug in her own mind for the bigger picture of marriage and your family unit.
But I wouldn’t be overly surprised that if something triggers her to think about it and she begins to wonder that maybe even knowing you still find her physically attractive doesn’t undo that you found someone else also attractive enough to have sex with.
She may also then over time notice that your remorse isn’t as visible and then will silently resent you.
I think even though she’s not acknowledging what you did right now and acting if things are okay, if you then go along with that willingly and show no extra effort to make up for what you did she might decide she’s allowed you to get away with things too easily...and then start punishing you.
Unless she really is truly a saint and has the ability to forgive and forget, but I have yet to come across anyone with that ability.
We as women will always have the logic in our mind once a cheat always a cheat, even if our heart wants to believe differently, and those thoughts can cause great stress and anxiety.
I think she’s going to need a support system away from you, counsellor or some really good friends, because I’m sure as much as you hate the hurt you’ve caused you’d hate even more to see the woman you love stay with you and change and become a shell because she’s trying to act like she’s okay when she’s not.
I think seeing something like that would cause shock and grief and they both make us do very strange things, like the act of sex, I wouldn’t be too comfortable thinking she has forgiven you.
I have exactly those concerns
But aside from her feelings and reactions.
Have you thought about the long term effects and what could change for you in the relationship.
When I was in my late teens I found myself in a relationship where I rarely felt desirable and admittedly I kissed someone else, I admitted it to my boyfriend and ended it, not because at the time I wanted the relationship to be over but I could foresee myself not being able to carry on the way it was and live with the guilt of it.
Surprisingly at the time he wanted to continue the relationship regardless which I didn’t allow to happen but after some reflection on his want to do that. I did start to feel less respect for him as a person, purely because I know if I’d been cheated on I wouldn’t want that person anymore. If I’d have stayed I would have ended up looking at him differently anyway.
If you see what I’m getting at.
I then realised I’d made the right decision and sometimes things are just too broken to fix.
I know you’re probably in a state of panic, that you’ll lose her and you’ll make short term decisions but you should be looking at what you’ll be faced with once the dust settles and whether you’ll still want the relationship as much once it returns to what it was.
Because I don’t feel like a person can change their sex drive easily if at all, so if you both end up having sex more which will make you happy, it will only make her happy in the sense she won’t feel as worried about you cheating again.
But you’ll then have the knowledge she’s only doing it to placate you...it won’t build connection back.
I do hope you find a long term solution that works for both of you.
The truth is I love my partner. There really is not a choice whether I am with her.
If the differing sex drive is an issue in the future, I will be more mature and pursue more healthy solutions.
You are right, I am in a panic and terrified.
But there is no life for me without her
Instead of resenting the sacrifices I felt I was making, I will have a much more balanced mature outlook.
Because losing her is just a far worse scenario