Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Long story short. About 1 month into an EA with my high school/college boyfriend. Always felt he was my soul mate and that fate would romantically bring us back together. But I resisted, always. I have been married a long time & have a family. We've always been in contact, and it's mostly been harmless. A few proclamations of love over the years but never acted on it. Until a month ago when I was vulnerable & he pounced. Now I'm into full-fledged EA, lovey-dovey, phone sex and all that. He lives far away. This could be my saving grace. ? We are planning to meet in August. It won't be like we can just get together every weekend or whenever we want to.
Today I tried twice to end it. The first time, I must admit, was not even a real effort. I told him all the reasons why he should back out now. He refused.
Again tonight, I was a little more direct. I told him all those same reasons, and then added that I didn't think I could go through with the A, that I wasn't leaving my H and that he would only have me part time and how no one would win. I told him that it was going to hurt me very much and that it would also hurt him. He assured me he would help me through it (of course!) and that he knew it would be the most difficult thing I might ever do.
He said as long as I could look him in the eye & tell him that we aren't meant to be together, then he'd accept that. He said if I left there after our meet-up in August and told him I just couldn't continue, he'd understand and at least know that we tried.
Yes, I could see right through the "look me in the eye & tell me" part. He just wants me there, thinking he'll change my mind.
He wanted to know why I was settling and why I wouldn't leave H. I told him I was not comfortable explaining why and that I had to give our relationship at least one tiny bit of respect, if I could even call it that. He asked me if I could ever explain why and I told him no. He really wants to know why and I'm sure it's just so he can try to talk me out of it & change my mind.
But really--my H is my life. Coming up on 29 years married and we have been through the wringer, been through hell & back, worked on so many issues and just shared LIFE and family. We had our rough spots, our terrible spots, and our almost divorced spots and we worked it out & stayed together. I do feel I owe him in a way. I might in fact be settling, if my heart has always been somewhere else, or if a big piece of it belongs to someone else. But loyalty, time, and experiences have made me settle---if that's what it's called.
I don't know what is making me connect so strongly to my AP. In another post, I was asked to try 24 hours NC and see what happens. I am looking for advice on what to say next or how to be stronger in my attempts to end this. I don't know if I can go cold turkey as suggested by someone else.
There is a history here with us---lifelong contact. I don't know if I can do it. I do want to get out of this mess I've gotten myself into though. I want to so bad. Can I find the strength?
Today I tried twice to end it. The first time, I must admit, was not even a real effort. I told him all the reasons why he should back out now. He refused.
Again tonight, I was a little more direct. I told him all those same reasons, and then added that I didn't think I could go through with the A, that I wasn't leaving my H and that he would only have me part time and how no one would win. I told him that it was going to hurt me very much and that it would also hurt him. He assured me he would help me through it (of course!) and that he knew it would be the most difficult thing I might ever do.
He said as long as I could look him in the eye & tell him that we aren't meant to be together, then he'd accept that. He said if I left there after our meet-up in August and told him I just couldn't continue, he'd understand and at least know that we tried.
Yes, I could see right through the "look me in the eye & tell me" part. He just wants me there, thinking he'll change my mind.
He wanted to know why I was settling and why I wouldn't leave H. I told him I was not comfortable explaining why and that I had to give our relationship at least one tiny bit of respect, if I could even call it that. He asked me if I could ever explain why and I told him no. He really wants to know why and I'm sure it's just so he can try to talk me out of it & change my mind.
But really--my H is my life. Coming up on 29 years married and we have been through the wringer, been through hell & back, worked on so many issues and just shared LIFE and family. We had our rough spots, our terrible spots, and our almost divorced spots and we worked it out & stayed together. I do feel I owe him in a way. I might in fact be settling, if my heart has always been somewhere else, or if a big piece of it belongs to someone else. But loyalty, time, and experiences have made me settle---if that's what it's called.
I don't know what is making me connect so strongly to my AP. In another post, I was asked to try 24 hours NC and see what happens. I am looking for advice on what to say next or how to be stronger in my attempts to end this. I don't know if I can go cold turkey as suggested by someone else.
There is a history here with us---lifelong contact. I don't know if I can do it. I do want to get out of this mess I've gotten myself into though. I want to so bad. Can I find the strength?
you wil find the strength. we will be right behind you kicking your ass forward if need be!
I quit smoking cold turkey! After 15 years and 2 packs a day, just done with it one day. Put 'em down & never pick 'em up again. I've always considered that my #1 accomplishment in life. You have no idea how much I LOVED smoking! haha!! Oh don't get me wrong, I still think about smoking sometimes, but I don't--ever. Not even a puff.
I know I have the willpower to do this--somewhere deep down.
Your AP is trying to plant seeds of doubt with you right now. I keep responding to your posts because this sounds all too familiar. I wish I had this group when I was going through the affair, but I had not accepted the fact that I was cheating. In my opinion, that phone conversation went on too long. Let me tell you, if your husband finds out you cheated, and he doesn't tolerate that crap, he is not going to give you a long drawn out explanation of why he's calling it quits like you're giving this man. You said all you can say to the AP, which was really too damn long of a conversation in my opinion. No contact. That is your goal. Good luck!
Starting with 24 hours of nc is a great idea and then moving it to 24 hours the next day. There's No easy way, and if your anything like me, You'll love this man till you die, but just because you love him doesn't mean you have to be with him...
I'm here for you and maybe we can help each other thru this..
Hugs, heard
Thanks heard, love hearing from you too because we have sort of the same situation.
Keep me focused, keep kicking my butt. I am trying not to post every random thing I think/feel, but I'm like a powder keg ready to blow. Last night when I was exhausted (haven't slept more than a couple of hours each night the whole weekend) I had this out of the blue desire to blurt it out to my H. We were laughing & talking and I felt a combination of guilt and the desire to confess. I didn't. Thank goodness. I'm so weak.
My husband & I have had a volatile relationship our whole lives. Ups & downs, loud arguments, with what I guess is verbal abuse, from both of us. We finally got "too old for that shit" and stopped. A good while ago, actually. It's a habit that we have both worked to stop. He slips up every now & then, as do I . It's really a bunch of name-calling when life gets frustrating, but it can be ugly.
For some reason, now, if he says one mean thing, I dissolve into a puddle of tears & insecurity. It's like my heart is a live nerve and even a wrong look from him can set me off into tears.
For years, I gave as good as I got. He would say something mean or rude & I'd reply 10-fold.
This was never an every day thing, But when it did happen, it was very hurtful and it took me a long time to realize that what I said was hurtful, too. I considered it striking back, I didn't consider it as continuing the madness. We made a pact between us to just stop it. We have both slipped. But it's rare.
So I am trying to remember, did my AP call one day when I was feeling hurt? I think that had to be it. I can't remember the exact moment when I broke down & gave into the EA, but I am certain I must have been feeling upset over a slip up.
It'sjustme---yeah I was just hoping that he'd end it & make it easy on me. No such luck.
On my second session I told my IC a goal of mine was to not only get over this man....which, I have a lot but clearly not entirely.....BUT to make sure I never do it again. And just based on some of my history and current life (too personal to get on a public board), she said, and I quote: "Oh, we have a lot to work with here".
As for ending it, you know I agree with SilverSprings....you have to tell him its done and go cold turkey. I know, I know easier said than done!