...it could be a lie... it could be the truth... no one knows but him...

I for one.. Despite much searching, cannot definitively tell you why I did and w very much would like to know that. I am not going to lie to her or make something up as a easy way out. If I I knew I would tell her. I do have some assumptions on my straying but has more to do with being at wrong place, wrong time, wrong people and letting my guard down. Why it continued for so long is another baffler. Since my A was so sexual related with an OW that was trying to fulfill sexual fantasy it became always wanting a higher high if you will. So it is not unusual at all they he cannot give you a reason. Even my IC and MC said as much. Good luck to you.

I can't weigh in here in from a CS's POV but I relate my CS's affair to that of an addiction. It was a high for him, he explains, one he enjoyed repeating, and while using, he thought only about the pleasure he was receiving. Like a drug or substance, it was difficult to curb wanting to feel that high again. If I was to compare him to an addict, they often hide it, convince themselves they're not addicted, tell themselves it's not affecting their life, and can quit any time they like, they just can't see a good enough reason to stop it. And this was my CS's situation.

Leavingabetterman says something that I believe are key ingredients to many affairs, when he says, "... has more to do with being at wrong place, wrong time, wrong people and letting my guard down."

I know why I cheat. Self-esteem/self worth. A childhood traumatic experience probably has something to do with that. Some survivors of sexual abuse never want sex. Others, like me, link it to self worth. In college, I would date multiple people at the same time. My steady boyfriend would consider that cheating. Whenever I began to feel like I didn't matter, that I wasn't "this enough" or "that enough" I found another man.

Once married, my vows became greater than my selfish need. Until about a year ago. My husband went through a period when he didn't seek out sex with me...(3x a week down to 2x a month) which I internalized, thanks go my shitty esteem and my past, as no longer being desirable. So...I had did what I was used to doing in my youth...found another man. This is no excuse. It's just how I had learned to cope.

My situation might not help you understand your husband, but I will tell you something that surprised me greatly. I went on Ashley Madison, a dating website for married people. My expectations of male cheaters was that they were POS's just looking for sex, the whole cake and slice and all. That is what the media feeds us. What I found on there blew my mind, to the point where I want to write a book. I corresponded with about a hundred men, and met several (no sex, just talking). Except for a few, they were really, genuinely, nice, thoughtful guys. Many of them loved their wives, and most felt their wives had been neglecting their needs...wives had become mommies, and only mommies. Or managers. What further blew my mind, is that these men wanted to have emotional connections. They wanted to date only one woman outside of their wives, and they wanted it to be a monogamous affair. I only wanted sex, to fill that void, to make me feel desirable....worthy....I loved my husband, I didn't want anything to do with emotions, but I discovered the majority of men WANTED an actual relationship. And the AP I ended up with wanted more than anything to be loved and to love the way he used to be.

My brother, a fantastic, deep thinking, religious man, is cheating on his wife. It started out as an emotional affair, and is now physical. His wife is busy with kids, busy managing him, rather than loving him, and the OW now fills those gaps in his marriage. Instead of telling his wife what he needed, he simply 'left' the marriage, denying her the opportunity to change or help their relationship. I think that's where so many of us go wrong. We don't speak up, we act out.

Wrong time, wrong people, wrong place...millions of people are constantly in that situation and behave respectively....so why do some not? Because it's more than the wrong time, wrong people, wrong place...there is something more wrong that makes them unable to walk away. That's what counseling is for. So that people, places, and times will eventually not matter, because we've taken care of the thing that does.

So. I don't know why your husband in particular cheated. But, these are just my personal experiences and observations. I wish you so very well. There is nothing much more painful than what you are experiencing. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME for someone's behavior. Even if you may be a contributor to a marriage that needs work, you are not to blame for your husband's inability to be honest or his lack of integrity. Speaking as a cheater, your husband has lost the right to be comfortable, to have secrets, and maybe, the right to your love, and all the work that goes into loving someone. But, please know, most cheaters aren't awful people...we're simply people who have done awful things. Most truly love and care for their spouses....we just don't how, men especially, to handle the turmoil inside us, and it comes out in this most destructive way. Most of us, finally forced to confront our behavior, will finally get the help we should have gotten before the affair, will finally say the things we should have said. Pay attention to what your husband does NOW. That will tell you more than anything.

Shakespeare:

Your post here is one of the most insightful that I have ever read. You profile seems very similar to my OW (is that you Jane?). While the profile of the man/men you described is very similar to mine (its me Sam).

To add to what you said, I think that society's vilification of cheaters (as the media describes Ashley Madison users) does a great disservice in that it makes it seem that only villains cheat so if you are not a villain then you do not have to worry about falling into an A and ruining you and your family's lives. What you have noted is that if even "nice and caring" people can cheat then we must all always be aware and work at keeping our marriages and families happy and healthy. I for one never thought I would cheat (until I did) and even looked on distain towards friends and acquaintances who did. Now that I have cheated, and am trying to recommit to my M, it is hard to get help and support from certain people in my life because I know that they would look at me in a negative light. If society as a whole could recognize that even good people cheat perhaps we could be better equipped as people to remain faithful.

P.S. The names above (Jane and Sam) are of course fictitious.

I think what you've read already shows that we aren't terrible (or stupid) people, we just make destructive (and arguably stupid) decisions in the context of our M.

My exOM is probably one of the most thoughtful, beautiful and downright considerate people I've ever met. He also cheated on his wife. His reasons were emotional. Feeling ignored, no longer relating on an emotional level to his W (I'm not sure they ever did), etc. He also takes responsibility for hiding those emotions from her, not allowing her in and assuming she wasn't capable of understanding the *real* him. He ultimately stayed with her "for the family", but last we spoke was also committed to IC and eventually MC to work these issues out. It ultimately inspired me to do the same. As "dirty" as an A is painted out to be, I can't help the nagging thought that we ended up a positive force in each other's lives.

So, the reason does matter.. And it's a little different for all of us. My advice is work with a counselor to sort out your emotions, encourage your H to do the same and eventually work together to "affair proof" that marriage as best you can! :)

I don't know exactly why I cheat.. the answers to that exact question keeps changing for me depending on where I'm at in my 20 year relationship with my om.
I'm sure a lot of cheaters are searching for that answer too like I have a million times..
Sorry if this doesn't help but it's all I got

Heard4, How do you stay in something so long? I have been in the A 4 years and it is taking a huge toll on me. Many issues have arisen and feelings, heartache and loss. But 20 years?

^ right?!? I was able to maintain the emotions in my "the love of my life" A for a couple months.. It burned so bright and the emotions ran so deep that the weight of them crushed us. Though I think I'll still be "in" it in a sense that I'll never forget him, and probably always love and miss him. I'm worried that if he called me out of the blue in 5 years and said he was ready to be with me, I'd go. No questions asked.

So.. To address the original question: it would be a good idea to understand the ins and outs of the A. Who ended it? Why did it end? Is your H committed to his M now?

Doesn't know why? I disagree. There's always a reason..ALWAYS. Why do people make committments that may not be able to keep? I'm wiser now & I realize communication is the key. Shutting down helps noone. Creates a bigger void. What if he said he needed something different to break up the normal routine of your lives, but it was just sex. Better yet is being monogamous natural for humans or a choice? Temptation is a beast that some may argue. People make promises that they may not intend to break. Realistically good people fail to communicate, & do things that didn't think they would do. Circumstances...