There are many of us (I think most?) who are still with our BS (betrayed spouses).

No - it's the very opposite of an easy route.. but, we're all still here, trying to make it work! :)

Welcome. This is a good place for support.

Hi there. Did he ever find out? I had an A last year. My W knows and we are still together. Gotta tell you it hasn't been easy and I am still dealing with consequences. Just this week my AP's Spouse found out (I think) I have been receiving threats and I worry about my W's safety. She (my W) also knows about the threats. I am keeping nothing from her. I have broken all contact with AP. It has been hard on two fronts. 1. Breaking up with someone I thought I was incredibly in love with and dealing with the pain of loss, 2. Hurting my W, and betraying her and 3. The work of rebuilding the marriage (my entire self really) has been difficult. Believe it or not, telling my W has not/was not the most difficult thing. It is becoming a better man in general that has proven to be the hardest. The internal battles to overcome my natural selfish ego/needs etc.

So yes, we are together still. No, there is no easy route. Honesty. That's the only way. True healing can only come with honesty. I am convinced that anything less than that does not have the power to change and heal what needs to be.

Why did you step out on your spouses to begin with. It said so much how much a spouse is loved very much despite the affair. I know why I did it, but please elaborate on this. I have my opinion when it comes to cheating even though I cheated on my ex. I tried to make it work several times. Came up short. By the time he realized he was seriously losing me I had checked out emotionally. I wouldn't let him touch me, I slept on the floor, couch, with our son at times. I couldn't afford to move out so I was stuck with him for a little over a year. It was heartbreaking to see him suffer because he tried to put it back together. All those years I was talking & trying, he never listened until it was too late. I found an Apartment & I've been on my own for the first time in my adult life. I was with him for 15 years. Fast forward 3 years & we are the best of friends. It's a damn shame that his next woman will reap the benefits of all my hard work to make him a better man. He always was very dependable, but when he lost his job, he thought that made him less than a man. I picked up the pieces like a woman should as much as I could, but it broke him. That was the beginning of the end for us.,

Yes we're (H & I) are still together. But I wonder if I didn't have the A, would I still be with my H?

Currently I'm not with the boyfriend I cheated on, or anyone for that matter. I want it to work with us though and that's why I joined the group to see if I could find strength and advice from those who have been in my shoes. I know that you will find the same here, I believe in you.

It is great to find place for people who have been in our shoes. We are not monsters nor bad people. I have no regrets about my affair. It took me out of my depression and helped me stand up to my video game addicted spouse - it made me happier, alive, gave me power. There are different kinds of affairs. A spouse can have object affair like extreme hobby, video games, etc. We had many good years - a spouse is neglectful but tries to make it up in amazing ways. My husband was the most exciting person to be around - friendly, happy, great provider, nice looking man. But he would withdraw and play video games for hours, which made me feel neglected and invisible. I do feel great stability with husband though - we hav kids too. My affair partner is very different. A single dad with heavy drugs past, ADD, still trying to build himself professionsly, fairly promiscuous as I can tell, and chose to engage with married woman - yeah, I hold that against him too. I am immensely in love with AP, but I am scared to move towards him because of his issues. Husband knows of my affair - he took a stand and working on divorce now, but we still spend lots of time together and enjoy our company. Somehow, so I feel that we should be allowed to be ourselves and pursue what would make us grow and feel happy. We all had/have good intentions and didn't set out to hurt anyone. Trying to have a more philosophical view. I love husband as well a AP is different ways.

Confessed to serial infidelity 63 days ago and have been tossed in stormy seas ever since. First 40 days were ultra high/low (from sobbing to "honeymoon"). Sexual fast for 45 days to clear any concern over addiction (don't think that's my diagnosis). Then, like a thunderbolt, W filed for divorce 2 weeks ago. Her own minature deceit, a week in planning with lawyers, court filing, etc. Utter misery, evicted from my home, barred from my children. I think it was her attempt to generate a greater response from me, and she now admits it was wrong.
We're steadying and both committed to rebuilding the marriage from the ground up.
Worst experience of my life, but brought faith deeper into our lives; a treasure in the trial.

I am still with my husband and my A just ended badly a couple of weeks ago. Over the 6.5 years of my A I was missing in my family. My H almost found out twice. He did find out but I never admitted the full affair. I claimed it was an emotional affair. The image of me having sex with another man would have killed him so I never admitted that. We did go to counseling and it put a bandaid on things. He trusted me and I betrayed him. I can't bear the thought of hurting him and I don't think we would recover if he knew the real truth. Although, deep in his heart of hearts I believe he knows. We choose to believe what we want to believe and what we can handle. We have a bad habit of sweeping things under the rug. My therapist says more people recover in their marriage from having an affair than not. I always thought I was the worst person for doing this and that no one else in the world could be doing what I am doing. But I was wrong. there are more of us than not. The feelings of shame are the worst. I hope you and your husband make it by forgiving each other and learn to trust each other again. Good luck

I'm unfortunately no longer together with my ex-boyfriend, on whom I cheated. He decided to end it. I know I have all the willingness and the right mindset to put all the effort that'd be needed (and patience, and openness) to rebuild our relationship, but it's not longer for me to decide. I think the worst part of being left after an A is the permanent feeling of being waiting. Waiting for them to come back, waiting for them to give a second chance, waiting for them to love us even though we made a mistake. On the other hand, I really cannot blame him for leaving.