Hi..I cheated 20 years ago and I asked for the divorce. Were remained civil and it is how you act during and after that matters. We both went on in our lives and in two years we found ourselves back together.
I remarried him
Listen to what she wants and go with it.
Good luck
Heard

"She's placed herself in a worse and more precarious position not wanting me around than any anguish she would have by my still being there." That is an incredibly arrogant thing to say, and it shows that you don't get it. At all.

I would rather sleep naked in a gutter than live with my ex. The anguish I went through, mentally, after he cheated on me and lied to my face countless times was worse than any financial nightmare imaginable. No amount of money can take away or offset that mental anguish. Period.

Jaded kind of has said it all in a nutshell. I don't know if you realized how you just came off but be prepared to be bombarded by the BS and rightfully so. This is a long hard road. I am the CS too and it doesn't get better in one day, one week or one year. This will always be in her mind, lurking and will rear its head at any given trigger. I also know of your pain as the CS. Many times I want to throw in the towel because of the what BS have said. It seems as if nothing I ever will say or do will ever be enough. I will always have to "pay" even though it took 2 to get our marriage to the all time low it was at the time of the A. It doesn't justify my decision nor am I trying to justify it. It makes me want to just say I'm outta here cuz I will never be good enough or do enough. I should have just divorced instead of the A. It will all depend on what you are willing to do to make it thru this. She gets to take the lead.....

And I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep her safe and comfortable, and I am trying to help her heal. I'm sorry if it seemed like I was squawking. I'm not minimizing her pain at all. I just seems that she has chosen a path of mutually assured destruction. My original question was intended to be, because I see so many situations here that are more complicated than mine and have the betrayed spouse being even slightly open to reconciliation, is there anyone else whose spouse is completely steadfast in pursuit of a 3 month divorce after 2 months of bare minimal communication? I'm not fighting her on it. and I'm not faulting her for it. She made perfect sense. Anything she asks, I do. I volunteer for a lot too. I just want to know if I'm the only one, or if this is all to be expected?

UPDATE: My wife is a wizard with a calculator! She went over the household budget today and figured out how much she'll need in alimony. She's amazing! God, I love her! I wish I could tell her in a way she would understand instead of just telling you all. Even when she's figuring out the alimony, she's loving me. How can I give that up? How could I have risked it?

oneanddone, I am going to divorce my cheater husband. I tried for over 4 years to reconcile and I have made the decision to divorce him. I regret not divorcing him as soon as I found out about him. I'm sure my husband also feels, like you, that I have chosen a path of of mutually assured destruction. A divorce will most certainly put us both in financial straits. It will be worse for me because I have been a SAHM.
However, the pain my h has put me through and continues to do so has made me realize that I need to get out of this marriage; an AK-47 couldn't have ripped me apart more than my h's affairs, lies, and neglect. My h did to me what you did to your wife---the moment she found out about you she had to decide which shit sandwich to swallow. Should she stay with a man who devastated her leaving her in emotional agony or she choose a divorce that would most certainly make her life that much more difficult? Staying with you would mean she would have to try to rebuild and trust and move past your choice to ruin her, to rely on you, a person who should have loved and protected her in every way, to help her heal even though you caused the immense pain, or should she choose to divorce you which might leave her with the financial inability to take care of herself, to end up alone and lonely, to never be able to trust anyone , to face a very uncertain future that may cause even more pain for her.

And by the way...so if something happens to you, where you wouldn't be able to pay alimony and she would be in a worse position than she is in now---was that a concern? If so, all you have to do is get a life insurance policy and make her the beneficiary. Since you're willing to do anything for her, keep that in mind.

Lyra - Thank you for explaining instead of attacking. Your explanation does run somewhat parallel to hers. She wants to have full control and independence in her life outside the context of my presence. I do have a life insurance policy for her. I had been a phenomenal husband right up until the circumstances that lead to the affair and the affair itself. I'm just having difficulty with her haste. She wasn't receptive to reconciliation at all. I went to a counselor, but she refused. I tried to make things better. I tried to open the door to communication, but she kept closing it off. I was so excited when she finally went to a counselor, but when she quit after the 3rd session, I was crushed. They were helping her, and she just gave up. All I want is a chance to redeem myself, in action, not just words, and try to help her heal, before she does something irreversible.

One, On some level I understand your "squawking" as a defensive survival mechanism, the confusion and upheaval you're going through right now tends to turn a person into someone very self-centered and knee-jerky. Is the divorce finalized? I ask this because no matter what, at least in CT there is a waiting period. This is your countdown timer.
My situation is the same, my wife had divorce papers filled out in her drawer and was just waiting for today to file them. CT waiting period is 90 days, and she told me she needed me to know she was absolutely resolved to go through with the divorce and I had that long to prove to her that I wasn't the dirtbag I had become.
Yesterday she tore up the parers

oneanddone, I agreed to counseling and my husband and I saw a marriage counselor. We went to the counselor for some time---well over a year. I have to say that it did help with somethings, but ultimately not enough. My h refused to change and I guess he just has an inability to fully realize the consequences of his actions. I know he has no idea of the magnitude of the pain he has delivered me, and as far as other things in our marriage go, he absolutely will not take responsibility for his continued behaviors and actions. I regret not divorcing him when I found out about him.
Counseling may not help your marriage if your wife agrees to go; it doesn't help everyone. You both have to be on the same page concerning your marriage.
Is there something very specific that you can do to show your wife your remorse and your willingness to reconcile? What is the thing she wants the very most from you at this point?
My h also says he doesn't want a divorce, but his actions say something else entirely. Are you certain that it's not just lip service you're giving your wife, that you are backing up your words with actions?
You can never have too many truly heartfelt talks with your wife, but you must back it up with deeds, not just words. What does she want the most from you? What does she need from you to see that you are the man and husband she wants to have?

Hey one, I private messaged you.

Seth - Thank you for recognizing that I am subject to human emotion. Her lawyer emailed me the summons papers today. I called his office last Friday so I could pick them up instead of her having to pay to have me served. Our initial court date for financial mediation is in 3 weeks and I plan to give her everything she is asking for. She deserves no less, and she's being more than fair. The terms on the complaint paper are terrifying, but I trust her and I place myself completely at her mercy. What else can I do? I wronged her and I'm still in love with her.

Lyra - I'm sorry to hear about your husband's unwillingness to change his behavior and viewpoints to accommodate your needs. In my case, I have to not so much change, as change back to how I used to be. When we would see a couple having difficulties, I would comment (yes, I'm a total wise-ass) that the problem was that he was not worshiping her adequately. Right after that comment, I would always ask her if I worshiped her adequately, and always got a yes. At some point, I don't know when, how, or why, I stopped, bit by bit. Just because I didn't convey it doesn't mean I didn't feel it. In essence, she wants the acknowledgement, appreciation, consideration, and gratitude that we both know she deserves. I'm ready, and with compound interest.