My therapist suggested I reach out to find others in similar situations so here I am. I am in my late 30s, married 15 years, kids age 9 and 5. AP is 20 years older, married 35 years, separated just over 1 year, 3 grown children. We have had an on-off A for over 12 years.  We live in a small town and met through a community group we are both involved in.  It started going out as a group, then flirting over drinks, then talking one on one, and became physical about 1 year in.  Since then we have tried every approach imaginable. No contact, just friends, friends with benefits.  There have been several breaks ranging from days at a time to months (especially when I was pregnant and had babies). For the last 4 years it's been mostly a full blown love affair with only a few months of trying no contact to save our failing marriages and about 2 years ago we started the conversation of actually divorcing to be able to see each other and live with some shred of integrity.  I don't think either of us can believe it got this out of control but he is truly the love of my life.  Our families know we have been involved (my family knows a little, his knows a lot more due to the separation). No surprise they disapprove. His W has communicated to him that she and his grown children feel he has ruined their lives by his selfishness.  I also worry about my children and my H reaction will be terrible. He is not an emotionally available man and I feel like I can't have a serious conversation about feelings with him. His #1 fault is pride and he has a temper. Sometime the guilt, fear, shame, potential financial loss (AP is involved in a very complex family corporation with W, their sons, his parents and his siblings families) become more than we can bear.  That's why we continuously cut it off only to resume again.  I have vowed to myself this year will be different. If anyone has gone through this and made it to the other side I would love to hear your story. Thank you!