Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
New guy here. Been trying to find a place like this for the past couple of days. Hopefully it will help because I am really hurting right now and don't have anyone to talk to.
My affair of nearly 5 years is ending. My OW suddenly decided to end it a few days ago. I may have one more phone conversation with her to close things up, but I am not sure if it will happen. I am utterly devastated. I am still very much in love with her. She has been my happiness and my joy and my best friend for almost 5 years now. Not having her in my life anymore is utterly devastating. I just did not see this coming. Many times over the years she very emphatically told me that she would never end the relationship. And now she does just that. She told me a few days ago that she couldn't do it anymore. That she is trying to work on her marriage and is getting more involved with her church. She said that even though she wants to, that she can't keep hanging on to me. I know she is trying to do the right thing and I am not angry with her. I know that I need to be doing the same thing. I feel guilt and shame for being in an affair and part of me is glad its over, but it still hurts. She was my best friend more than she was a lover. I poured my heart out to her. She did the same as far as I can tell. I was depressed and lonely when I met her. She made me feel loved and wanted. She made me happy. Now I don't have any of that and I don't feel like I have hope of finding happiness like that again.
I know the standard answer for my situation is to let go of the OW and work on my marriage. But I don't feel like any amount of marriage counseling can fix the problems I have. My wife is a decent, good and loving woman. But I have never felt any romantic feelings for her. I sometimes have a hard time even tolerating being in the same room with. I never fell in love with her. I married her to fill a hole that was left from a broken engagement. I was hurting and she was there and in a similar situation. I didn't want to be alone, so I married her. I do love her and care about her, but its more like how I would love a sister. We also have a beautiful loving teenage daughter. I don't want to hurt either of them. So I don't want to divorce and I don't want to tell them about this affair. It is over now anyway and I don't plan or even want to get involved in another affair. I don't see any point in making anyone else have to suffer for what I did.
Yet here I am. In a house with two other people but feel like I have been abandoned on a deserted island. I am lonely, depressed, and feel rejected. I want to go to sleep and never wake up (not die, just stay asleep) Sleep is the only time I don't feel pain right now. I know I am in a grieving stage. But I can't openly grieve. I have no one to talk to or confide in. I am hoping talking here may be of some help.
My affair of nearly 5 years is ending. My OW suddenly decided to end it a few days ago. I may have one more phone conversation with her to close things up, but I am not sure if it will happen. I am utterly devastated. I am still very much in love with her. She has been my happiness and my joy and my best friend for almost 5 years now. Not having her in my life anymore is utterly devastating. I just did not see this coming. Many times over the years she very emphatically told me that she would never end the relationship. And now she does just that. She told me a few days ago that she couldn't do it anymore. That she is trying to work on her marriage and is getting more involved with her church. She said that even though she wants to, that she can't keep hanging on to me. I know she is trying to do the right thing and I am not angry with her. I know that I need to be doing the same thing. I feel guilt and shame for being in an affair and part of me is glad its over, but it still hurts. She was my best friend more than she was a lover. I poured my heart out to her. She did the same as far as I can tell. I was depressed and lonely when I met her. She made me feel loved and wanted. She made me happy. Now I don't have any of that and I don't feel like I have hope of finding happiness like that again.
I know the standard answer for my situation is to let go of the OW and work on my marriage. But I don't feel like any amount of marriage counseling can fix the problems I have. My wife is a decent, good and loving woman. But I have never felt any romantic feelings for her. I sometimes have a hard time even tolerating being in the same room with. I never fell in love with her. I married her to fill a hole that was left from a broken engagement. I was hurting and she was there and in a similar situation. I didn't want to be alone, so I married her. I do love her and care about her, but its more like how I would love a sister. We also have a beautiful loving teenage daughter. I don't want to hurt either of them. So I don't want to divorce and I don't want to tell them about this affair. It is over now anyway and I don't plan or even want to get involved in another affair. I don't see any point in making anyone else have to suffer for what I did.
Yet here I am. In a house with two other people but feel like I have been abandoned on a deserted island. I am lonely, depressed, and feel rejected. I want to go to sleep and never wake up (not die, just stay asleep) Sleep is the only time I don't feel pain right now. I know I am in a grieving stage. But I can't openly grieve. I have no one to talk to or confide in. I am hoping talking here may be of some help.
This says it all, if you stick with this and get some counseling so you do have someone to talk to, perhaps you will be able to fall in love with your wife. How could you possibly have loving feelings toward your wife when you have had another person in your life for years who was (temporarily) meeting the needs that your wife should have been privileged to help you meet? By cheating, you have cheated your wife out of the opportunity to really love you, you have cheated yourself out of the opportunity to love your wife and you have denied the opportunity for the two of you to grow closer together. And you have done this for years. How can someone have loving feelings toward anyone when they are so busy deceiving, lying, or hiding things?? Perhaps marriage counseling will be necessary to save this marriage. I would also recommend finding a church, getting God involved in your relationship. With God, all things are possible.
You said that you don't want to get into another affair. Claiming that an affair "just happened" is the lamest thing ever. Everyone has free will. Plenty of people walk away from opportunities to cheat. You made a conscious effort to cheat, you knew what you were doing all along, and it ended up being very destructive. Stepping into the role of an affair partner is a choice--a choice that most often causes pain, and, as you have found, it is not just the betrayed partner that is subjected to pain.
I hope things work out well for you.
Make a decision, your wife could have been happy for the last 5 years but you didn't give her the opportunity. She could have at least got it from someone else.
Regardless, neither of you know what my situation is with my wife. I was married for 17 years before this affair started. I didn't just suddenly stop giving affection to her and start giving it to someone else. There was never much between us from day one. Because of that I was miserable and depressed for most of those 17 years. I'm not saying its all her fault. Nor am I saying its all mine. Its just how it was and still is. No amount of counseling or therapy is going to make you fall in love with someone you are not attracted to. I don't doubt counseling will help some, but for reasons I really don't feel like getting into, I can't do it right now. However it is something I am considering for the future if things don't improve.
Anyway, defending what I did or why it happened is not why I posted here. I am not trying to justify what I did. I just needed some help dealing with my grief. Grief that I admit I brought onto myself, but its there none the less. For anyone that has been in a deep emotional affair, you will know how much it hurts when its over. Getting over that person is the first part of getting past the affair. That is where I am now. That is what I need help with. I am not sure I will find much sympathy here, so I doubt I will be back.
Again my apologies.
I for one appreciate BS's that contribute here. However and understandably there responses will be from their perspective. With that said it's unfortunate the first two responders to your open ing thread were BS's.
For what it's worth, most of us CS's here are still with our spouses and trying to work on our M's and most of us have ended our A's and trying to stay in NC with our O's. As you said, regardless of how and why you are here you are here and hurting like we all are.
Do know that you are not alone and we are here for you. Sorry you are going through this
Tom is stating he has NEVER had romantic feelings or has been in love with his wife. I agree with him that you can't build a house on sand or it is very difficult.
Tom, I think there are a few things in your post. The end of a relationship, good, bad, or indifferent still needs to be grieved. Five years is a long time. In your words, it sounds as if you clearly loved this woman and she sounds as if she is struggling. I agree with you that if you love her you need to allow her to do what she needs to for her H and her family.
I think you need to work on your own healing. I do agree with counseling. I agree that MC cannot make you fall in love with someone you have never been in love with but I do think IC can help you navigate through the rough waters of 1) Your A ending 2) Ending your relationship with this OW 3) looking at your M and seeing what, if anything, can develop into a satisfying union for both of you. I understand you don't want to hurt her or your daughter (do any of us REALLY want to hurt anyone?) BUT as a W, I think if my H had those feelings (or lack of) for me, I would need to know that so I can be given the opportunity to find someone who does feel that love for me. Even if you spoke to a trusted clergy person or a non for profit/community counseling center, if may help you navigate through all this.
With that said, grieving the loss of an A can take on many angles as well as learning to let go and find yourself. I think you are in the right place. Use the journal on DS. Make some friends here who are also grieving the end of their A, write it out, write it out, write it out (that, in itself is a form of therapy). You are a good place. There is a lot of support here.
It has been said, though, and I believe this, that is is never a good idea to make a major decision when you are in the middle of a crisis. So perhaps you need time to really sort things out.
I feel for you. I am in a very similar situation except my A was very toxic. Nonetheless, i am so sad and lonely that it is over. It just ended a couple of weeks ago and we have had no contact (because of him) for the last 2 weeks. I tried to contact him a few times and he wants nothing to do with me. I purposely ran in to him a week ago and he was so indifferent. He practically hates me. We both have done terrible things to each other. But he too was my best friend, confident, and my soulmate. It was the first true romance I ever had and it lasted 6.5 years. However, there were so many things wrong with it. I didn't even recognize myself and the things I did. I was so jealous and untrusting of him. And by the way, I was right to be. But reading what you wrote, I do understand the feeling of loss. It is a grieving process and it hurts badly. I have a wonderful husband of 25 years and 3 great kids. My marriage lacks passion, excitement, and intimacy. But he is a good man that i can count on, who loves me unconditionally. I can't say that about the A. I respect that you don't want to hurt anyone. Our story is the same it seems except your A doesn't sound like it was toxic like mine was. I had never cheated on my husband either. I felt so guilty in the beginning for doing that. I hope we can both find happiness again. I tried to end my A so many times over the years but the pain of grieving was so hard that I would go back to avoid the pain. But I know there is no way around it. We just have to go through it. Not over it, not under it but through it. My therapist has been amazing for me too. It is so good to talk to someone. I just became a member here too and the support and similarities is very helpful. All the best to you.
I too, am in a similar A. It's been going on close to 5 years. It's the craziest emotional roller coaster ever. I had never thought I was capable of cheating on my H. I truly believe I love both men. This affair crept in like a lion and it has taken hold of me and I can't let go. Looking back, I know how all this happened, but its too late now. I have no peace, yet it's a great high. But the lows are so low. Sounds like a drug, doesn't it?
Tom, I dream of ending the A with the OM all the time, yet when I talk to him or see him, those thoughts have no power. I have no peace. I suspect that your OW has caved in and you are back in the relationship. I think this just because I know myself. I think that I should end the A to give my husband my undivided emotional attention, and to repair the relationship and peace I once had in God. If you aren't back together again, I hope you will respect her decision and let her go. You can find peace as well.
Of course, I'm lecturing myself here, I am still in the relationship and this typing is like self-therapy. Thanks for listening.