Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

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hopelesssin 02/25/2015

First I must say how relieved I am to have found this place. I have been married for 2 1/2 years. No children. My husband is a great guy but in the past year our relationship has been stale. I no longer enjoy sex and he doesn't do much to make me want it either. Can't remember the last time we shared a real kiss. I feel now that we are two really good friends that enjoy spending time together. That leads me to the next thing...we do not spend that much time together either. He often travels with his friends and leaves for days. At first I didn't mind but now I have gotten used to being without him. So what happened?? Well I met someone. I have known him for a while but never really talked to him in depth until earlier this month. He is divorced and single. Since we began to talk I found myself beyond mystified by him. We click in some many ways I only wish I had gotten to know him like this before I ever married. Last week we went out for a drink. No I did not get drunk but I had the best time just chatting with him and laughing. I can't remember the last time I felt this happy...but of course before the night was over we kissed and I loved it! I haven't seen him since but I would be lying if I said that I don't want to. We talk everyday and text everyday as well. I've been battling a mix of happiness and excitement whenever we text or talk vs. the guilt that I feel and the confusion just clouding my mind. What I tell myself is to keep talking to him and get to know him, if I fall in love then I will leave my husband before I have sex with this guy. But the thought of breaking my husband's heart makes me sick to my stomach. What is worse? not being with the person you love or staying with someone that you care about and avoid them pain?

Can any of you please enlighten me, I have never been through this before...how did you get through these feelings? I feel like I'm going nuts here. Thank you all for your time.

TheChaser 02/25/2015

The quickest and easiest way to get through those feeling is to tell your husband about what happened. His pain will change your feelings. Honestly, I think you just need to find a way to reconnect with the husband.

This new guy is giving you the attention you need...but you would probably prefer it coming from your husband. Communication....

Lenoire 02/26/2015

I must agree with TheChaser, his pain will change your feelings, and that communication is vital for any type of relationship.

You are feeling infatuation towards this new fellow, and although it seems so real, it's a panacea for the loneliness you're feeling. Put yourself in your husband's shoes, would you want him to meet someone else, lie to you about it, keep it secret, fall in love, then announce that he wants a divorce? Wouldn't you rather discover together that perhaps you're not well-matched and need to separate, or even better, want to try and work on what you have and attempt to rekindle your affection, before you take the big leap?

You're giving yourself the green light to get to know this new fellow, because of the distance you're experiencing with your husband, and this is your opportunity to make the right decision, before you start with all the lies and deceit required to have an affair.

I wish you well.

kittykatbella 02/26/2015

I also must agree with the two posters above. Take this experience as a wake up call that you and your husband have some growing to do together. I have been in your shoes and sadly got into a short-lived but intense EA. I know you may be thinking, "you don't understand, this OM makes me so happy, I can handle this,..." I thought all of that, too. Please put yourself in your H's shoes. Try IC, try MC. If you have given your M serious work and worked on your issues and you still want to leave your H, at least you can say it was because of irreconcilable differences-- not another man.
I have been where you are. My H and I have improved our relationship with MC, I have worked hard on my loneliness and self esteem issues in IC and have maintained NC with my AP for a while now. My H doesn't know, but I still must carry the feelings associated with the choice I made.
Please heed the advice on this group's boards. One thing that stuck with me was from a message I got from a poster who had also walked this path-- she said that you never come out of an A on the other side smelling like a rose. A's lead to confusion and chaos ultimately, and you never end up a winner.

kittykatbella 02/26/2015

Sorry-- one more thought I had: finding happiness is never about another person. Neither your H nor the OM makes you happy. It's something that you can only decide to bring to yourself. Relying on another for your happiness is unsustainable. So I hope that you will look at yourself and ask yourself what will bring you happiness. If not, even if you leave your H and end up with the OM, you will find yourself right back where you started. One of my favorite quotes about relationships is from Tracy McMillan: "Once the high wears off, you'll still be the same you-- just with more laundry."
Hugs and positive energy to you.

hopelesssin 02/26/2015

Thank you all so much! I am working on going back to IC because I was going well before I dated my husband. I'm not going to lie, this is going to be hard. I do agree that if things with my H don't work it should be because of irreconcilable differences and not because of another man. I hope I'm going to be strong enough to get through this.

Lenoire 02/27/2015

Nothing worthwhile in life comes easy, but when you believe in something and you remain focused and stay on the path, wonderful things happen. Every time you go off that path and give in to temptation, you put yourself in jail, you do not pass go and you don't collect $200.

I wish you well.

brokenangel444 02/27/2015

Don't have Children with him!!!

Gabrielle48 03/01/2015

How well I remember the feelings of happiness and euphoria and infatuation that lead you seemingly helplessly deeper and deeper into and A like quicksand. I would advise you to run like hell! If you can stop it now you can avoid such horrible pain and devastation later. It will be hard now, it will be 100x harder later. Think of this too, because this is something I never considered when I was going through it. My OM ended up devastated and I blamed myself and felt so terrible because I just had to turn my back and walk away and not look back in order to save my marriage and it was horrible. I want you to consider that because I know you care about this man and he will only be hurt in the end no matter what and the longer it goes on the more pain he, and you and your H are in for. It's a given that if you have an A with this man and then it all implodes, which is sure to happen one way or another, that you and your H will suffer. I knew that but didn't know how bad it would be for the OM or how horrible that would make me feel in addition to how horrible I felt for what I had done to myself and my H.

I liken an A to an odd disease that, in the early stages, gives you euphoria and makes you feel better than you ever have but meanwhile it is silently wreaking damage and havoc within. At some point it reaches a tipping point and all the euphoria goes away and nothing is left but the damage. I hope you are able to nip this in the bud. I wasn't able to, but you are here seeking help already and that puts you a step ahead of where I was at the stage of the game you are in now.

IC is an EXCELLENT idea and while you are at it read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

sam2014 03/01/2015

I have to admit to myself now --- as I would adamantly deny previously -- but if I had a choice to go back before that first kiss, I'd say no this time.

My marriage was not good for a while leading up to the A. The root cause, bad communication. I fell for OM, a man I have known for a long time. One I have respected and admired for years. One I have always had a bond with. But the fact is, I am married. And I love my husband enough to not want to hurt hime. So OM and I have said goodbye, a mutual decision. We love each other very much but know that the possibility of a healthy and permanent relationship likely can't grow out of an A. And even thought H and I have now separated on "good terms" it doesn't matter... I will NEVER be free of the guilt.

So now I find myself alone. I'd be ok with that if I didn't have this guilt riding the path with me.

What am I getting to? It is fine if you fall in love with someone else.It is fine for you to fall out of love with your H - to loose compatibility. But if you leave your H for an A you will not be ok. So work out what you want to do with your M and if you decide to move on, great. You might even surprise yourself and fall back in love with your H fi you try hard enough.

I wish you luck and strength.

guiltymommy 03/03/2015

Agree with Sam 100%. I have never gottten caught. but i so wish i never met the guy....bc i did a terrible thing to my family imo'

hopelesssin 03/06/2015

I guess the difficult part for me is that I was not madly in love with my H when I married him. I wasn't swept off my feet or anything like that. He was the only boyfriend I had that I dated past 2 years and I felt comfortable, secure and safe with him. Thinking back now I realize that I always loved him more like a great friend. Sometimes I hate myself because I think perhaps I made a mistake getting married in the first place. We don't have kids and because of all of this I wouldn't even dare. I really hope IC helps me sort out my thoughts and feelings because I feel so depressed and confused.

tulips1122 03/07/2015

I totally understand what you are going through. I had an affair for two months, all I wanted was for my husband to accept me and love me for who I was - flaws and all. But it's not worth it, when you are vulnerable, you forget there are consequences and forget the people you may hurt by your actions.

I would definitely agree with others on this post to talk to your husband about how you are feeling - write a letter, and try to convey your feelings. Good luck to you.

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