Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Hi all, I haven't posted here in a long time but I had posted back in OCtober because I had confessed a short term affair to my husband (of 8 years.) We had a rough time the first 2 weeks and then we started getting our feet back under us and really were making leaps and bounds in talking and repairing and things were great. THen he pulled away, became angry, cold, distant, told me he didn't know if he wanted to continue to be with me and needed time. He drank a lot and became verbally abusive for 2 months. I would go every other night to pick him up, drunk and take him home and take his verbal abuse. At the end of December I told him I loved him dearly and didn't want to give up on him but that I would have to move out for my own safety. This changed something, he said he would stop drinking and that he was just doing it to punish me but wanted very much for us to work things out. We did great for 3 months after that. THen he had a relapse at the end of march and drank heavily again. He was very remorseful the next day and we had another great discussion about everything. He said there was no doubt in his mind that he wanted to stay in the marriage and that he has forgiven me but continues to need time to process everything, which I totally understood. He started coming to my work to surprise me and everything was like old times. Suddenly on Sunday night (with no trigger that I am aware of) he got distant and me being me, I couldn't let it go and asked him to please open up to me. He tells me that once again he is thinking of what I did to him and he doesn't know if he wants to be in this marriage. When I offer to move out, he says that is not what he wants. He states he doesn't want a seperation. He says his head and heart are fighting a battle and that he loves me dearly but isn't in love with me like he used to be. He won't do counseling. So many sites I have been to say that this is normal for being only 9 months out from DDAY, however people close to us are telling me that it's time to split because he is probably just staying because he is too afraid of living without me. We have been together since we were 15, now both 30. I have really bad anxiety and keep nagging him about what he wants, but I can't help it, I am so scared that he truly is finished and too afraid to say it. I don't get defensive when we talk about it, I do nice things for him daily. He still sleeps in the same bed with me, we have sex, he says I love you everyday and kisses me before work. But when I ask about our future he gets angry and says he isn't ready to answer those things. I am just so confused. PLease help
What helps me is knowing my H is sorry. I need to hear it. I need a lot of reassurance from him.
Again, my story is different, but I am willing to bet your H needs to hear you tell him you are sorry, you love him, and you will stay faithful. Try it.
I need to know my H is thinking about me and not lusting for her.
I know just what your H wants, it's what I want. Problem is we can never have it. We cannot wave a magic wand and erase the betrayal. He is struggling because he wishes he had better choices.
He can leave, but he does love you. He can stay, but he hurts.
Try what I suggested. Keep doing it - every day, several times a day. Do it until he tells you to stop.
We are very fragile emotionally. I realized this just last week. My H snapped at me in the grocery store. No big deal, normally I would have just given him a dirty look. But this time I burst into tears and screamed at him saying: I bet you never talked to HER that way! And I left. I know I shocked him and to tell the truth, I shocked myself as well. When will I ever get over his betrayal? I don't know. It's a trauma.