Its more likely to be about your low self esteem and need for external attention/approval.

Until you address that,and get to place where you are enough for you, the cravings and behaviour will likely continue.

I have a similar story, but for me I think it was lack of connection in addition to the build up of self esteem. On the outside, I do exude confidence, but I have learned there is something broken on the inside that I don't believe it about myself, but connection played a huge factor in it.
Sexual addiction, is like drug addiction......and there are certain criteria to meet to be a bona fide sex addict.
I think A's and searching for A's and the looking for validation can be addicting also.

There is definitely an element of addiction when it comes to A's, especially if it's a recurring pattern. I think the key is determining through IC and group support where the addiction lies.

For me, the issue is self esteem. I don't necessarily understand WHY I have low self esteem, though I'm certain it comes from childhood. Nothing that has happened in my adult life should yield low self esteem, apart from the multiple A's - which my mind uses to try to *treat* the deficiency (bad).

Appreciating yourself, silencing your "inner critic" and doing things to promote a positive mental outlook are ways to help. But, #2 is a lot easier said than done.. because a lot of times that voice is VERY subconscious. It's not like I hear anyone telling me, "the more guys who want to sleep with you, the better/hotter/cooler you are". Obviously that idea is ridiculous, yet here I am.

Explore why you crave that validation and go from there. Try to heal whatever wound to your psyche gave you that need. It's hard work. But, it's do-able. AND, you can even do it WITH your H, if you so desire. He sounds like a super understanding guy - you're fortunate! :)

Thank you for your replies. i just reread my post and I still feel the same exact way.

Shore, you're right about the self esteem. I also am confident and capable in the outside but there's always the looming inner critic. I had childhood issues that keepme from being happy with myself and the positive things surrounding me. I'm sure it extends to me not being happy with H but the plain truth is I think I can do better, as in a better connection. How can I feel good about myself when I'm with someone that's not that great.

I've been thinking so much about being alone and it makes me feel lighter without the weight of H.

Just my own perception from a male point of view looking at the females post/point of view. In virtually every case where the female CS identifies some form of low self esteem. Even if they cannot seem to understand the root of the low self esteem (which is understandable) Further, each profile female person I know on here at some time or another has posted that one or more childhood incidents appears to be the underlying issue. Maybe it's confusing to them but again.. To me that is understandable. I have had an interest in the past as I triedto better understand my OW. But I am about over trying to understand her and working on more of trying to understand myself. I wish more male CS would post and participate more in why they do what they do.. Like female CS do. My issues with an attraction to OW probably does have some root in childhood. However, other than coming from a divorced parent family, I feel like I had a great childhood that was trauma/drama-less I, as male CS, does what I do. I can tell you I do not seem to fit the stereotypical male.. Promising a future to the OW that is not to be and talking about things that could possibly lead to confusion and hurt. So many times I said: I just don't know why I am here and I will not make more of it than it is!

But game time for me needs to be over. I need to invest more heavily into myself and find more answers to questions about myself that need.. (More than want) to be answered.

Leaving - you don't really fit the mold, you're right. Because anyone willing to put in the time you have is going to have to throw out a few promises - empty or not - in order to keep the fire burning. Somehow, you kept your fire burning in the A without any promise of a future. Kudos, I guess? Haha!

I think for you (and a few others like you) it has to do with the type of AP you're attracted to, and how that somehow speaks to a need of yours that goes unattended in your M.

But you're right - - self-discovery is key. We're all learning here. I guess before the digital age people just went on about their lives having A's (or not) and not worrying about email/Facebook/etc. :)

Leaving, I share your sentiment. I also never made false promises to AP - I was always very direct with him on why I have hard time moving towards him - his past drug problems, uncertain career, being financially dependent, volatile history of relationships, etc. I love him with all my heart but scares me to commit to him. He has emotional problems and is destructive to his women - I don't think he is evil, not at all, but dangerous he is - a past girlfriend died of overdose, many abortions, most recent ex- mother of his child is alcoholic and attempted suicide. I might even be drawn to potential of being positive influence on him - I am the opposite of all he is.

Morrow - you might have that need to "fix" him.

morrow -
When I read what you posted, something struck a chord in me. I can't call the person in my life the OM because I am single - he is cheating on his girlfriend. He has destructive tendencies along with a narcissistic personality disorder, a detached relationship with his mother, commitment issues and tends to be emotionally abusive towards me. If I had to sit down and examine why I continue this "relationship" with him, it has become like a drug, an addiction. The more I get, the more I want. I have erroneously convinced myself I am in love with him and therefore think we should end up together. He starts and ends relationships with other women while keeping me hidden as his dark, dirty secret. I think, "who would put up with this?" Um, I would and do.

I can't say that I have a need to fix him per se, as P&D suggests that you do. But I relate to your statement of being a positive influence. He runs a family owned business, started up his own professional venture, lives in a $1M home all alone and likes to be by himself a good majority of the time (no sleepovers). Now, that doesn't sound like someone that is the "opposite" of me but emotionally he is bankrupt. I want to be there to pick up the pieces.

Is that kind of what you meant?

To be truly "addicted" I think there must be a number of threshold metrics met: Inability to control behavior, serious self-abhorrence, increasingly risky behavior, needing to engage in deeper/acting-out for same "high", etc.

I've concluded in myself that the leap to addiction diagnosis can mask a more fundamental character flaw, usually fueled by insecurity.

Sometimes cheating is not addiction, do serious introspection

LAC2cali - indeed, I feel drawn to this dangerous man, it makes me feel alive. Could our addiction be fueled by boredom and need to experience deeper and more extreme emotions? I am university professor, been professionally successful, great family, drama less past. And here comes midlife crisis. I just throw it all away to plan life with another man who doesn't even have college degree (don't mean to sound snotty, just make the point how opposites we are). He was heroin addict for 9 years after his gf overdosed and died. Then, after intervention saved his life, he had a child after being together with a girl for 2 weeks- they are both alcoholic, but he took over the care of this child. In face, I was drawn to him initially because his angelic daughter was close with mine - play dates led to us spending many hours talking. He can't support himself financially - his mom helps him. And yet, in my depressed lonely state in my marriage to happy go lucky gamer husband, my other man was like the medicine to everything I was needing - care, attention, adventure, fun, risk. This man does not plan anything in his life - I plan everything. He says the universe always provides for him. I learn to stop and smell the roses and not worry about the unimportant stuff - money, others approval, the future. Could this man really have drawn me in with his depth and wisdom? I feel blessed to have met him - weird, ha?