I’m so sorry that you’re still hurting from this. The perspective on this forum that led me to realize cheating is truly not a victimless crime; and people are devastated and the effect lasts. I really do wish monogamy came naturally for everyone. Nothing about this seems fair.

Now to answer you: it really does depend on the affair. In order for any relationship to be over, at least one person has to truly let go. If your husband is 100% ‘over’ her, even if she were to reach out, he probably wouldn’t care. On her end, the humiliation of being dumped by a married man not leaving his wife *should* have been enough for her to let go, provided he has never once reached out to keep any spark alive. It doesn’t take much.

In my personal experience, I don’t hate the wife he wouldn’t leave. I actually find joy in the fact that their family has peace and happiness. Do I miss him? Every single day. But we didn’t have a D-day to bring the nature of the crime to light. I guess the best course of action is to keep communication open with your H and force him to discuss these things. Maybe that will keep him from even considering fantasy land.

This month is 9 yrs since the beginning of my A and 6 yrs since AP dumped me for a 10 yr younger, prettier, thinner, Malibu Barbie type. He tried to get back with me several times but I wasn't interested anymore. I came to realize he was only interested in the physical appearance, not the person. Someone he could flaunt to his brothers. No, I do not miss HIM. I miss the feeling of loving someone who wanted to make me happy (AP's lie thru their teeth with promises), not my H who wants me to want what he wants & not what I want.

My H knows. Sometimes he gets really mad at me for what seems to be no reason but then I remember & it makes sense. I live with it. To be honest I wish he would have divorced me so I could have moved on. It's too late now. We're in our 60's so........

I go to great lengths so I WON'T run into him. I never want to see him again!

Yes, it hurt when he dumped me. All at once I went from feeling young & pretty to old, fat & ugly. Guess I deserved that. He did try to come back several times but I said no.

He painted his wife as a "hell bitch like no other". After the A I felt so sorry for her. If she was a bitch, it was because of HIM! He always presented himself as the poor mistreated spouse. He just wanted to find love, someone to love him & be good to him. He should have looked in the mirror & worked on that person.

There are several types of cheaters & most men are different than women. I like prettyanddumb12's comment saying at least one person has to truly let go. We had one male friend here who said he had to get really angry, saying awful, hurtful things to his AP to ensure she wouldn't bother him again.

Storm, it's been 7 yrs. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. If your H has been honest with you and you know if he has, please forgive him. It's sad to think you can never let your guard down.

“No, I do not miss HIM. I miss the feeling of loving someone who wanted to make me happy”.

Yes. This.

And as we all know, this is 100% a fantasy. I think most marriages go through a, “does this person even see me” phase. It’s not an excuse to complicate matters more with cheating. Communication is key.

And, now that the worst imaginable has happened, and you survived even stronger, you must feel a little more bulletproof than you did 7 years ago, right?

Thanks Pretty and Clover. Hearing your point of view does help me. I know my H didn't want the OW but he did like cheating. I feel that she would take him back because she wants my life. I think that is what I am feeling unsettled about. Plus I know from all the lies that my H cannot be trusted 100%.. And that is unsettling as well.

What is ironic about all of this is that my H never realized that by having this double life of his, he was in fact, teaching me to be independent. I am so much stronger than I knew I was. And I am on to his tricks. I can take a step back and see his methods and nip things in the bud.

What I like about myself now is how I speak right up in the moment. I no longer keep quiet to keep the peace. And my H knows I am a force to be reckoned with.

When I look back at all he has put me through, put us through, I am shocked. If I am, then I think he must be as well. It is like he was possessed. I just need to watch my thoughts and imagination.

I hope the OW is over him. I hope she sees that she was never an option. Her H stuck by her. She needs to appreciate that. She turns 70 in a couple of months. 70! Time to make peace with your life, right? Stop lusting after what you can't have!

Possibly he did like the “cheating” aspect Storm. IDk, I know there are people that are like that..but I hated it...
Hated myself for it and was on a subconscious road of destruction due to it. Simply put, I somehow became addicted to the OW and couldn’t seem to finally pull away for years. When it all got exposed and D-day finally did go down it was the most painful thing of my life, mostly because I seen all the pain I had caused my BS, my family, some friends and I even realized the pain I had caused OW and even HER family. Crazy huh? And scars still remain..
One thing I was sure had to happen... I had to physically distance myself from OW. I pretty much always knew it would end so the double life I was leading was going to see value when it was over. I never see her now.. and do not want to...
I believe you have mentioned in the past that he has professional contact with her or something.. maybe not, I’m just giving my opinion but I knew, LEAVING HAD TO LEAVE and I think your H should realize that too if he truly wants the best for his M.
Even if it means pulling roots and moving away. Best of luck to you Storm.

For the record, I hated the secrecy and the lying. But, I don't think my affair was the typical type, it wasn't just driven by lust (not initially) but by a need to learn, an escapism, an unfreezing of emotions, and kindred, spiritual type of connection. I can move on from the affair, but I do miss the friendship and I still wonder about that spiritual connection. (and that is a large part of why I know I wouldn't do this or choose to have an affair again, this situation, from my needs to the needs of my AP, is not something that would happen again). Granted, I am also only a few months post-affair, and still figuring out my own head a bit, so it is still early.

As for my AP's wife? I never hated her and never will. He didn't paint the best picture of her, even as we tried to help each other through our marriage challenges. but just a few days before D-Day, I was "counseling" my AP to find reasons for why he loved his wife and asking him to tell me positive things about her as a person since he typically focused on the annoying or mismatched aspects. He was doing that just before D-Day and it was wonderful to listen to. I feel for his wife and I even cared about her (though I never met her, and at this point, I hope I never do), and I am so so sorry that I hurt her this way. I am angry at my AP sometimes, but I think that is normal.

I miss the friendship. I miss the sense of understanding we had with each other despite looking like a mismatched pair. but I don't want to have chance encounters, much less arrange for them. I don't want to have any contact with my AP, because the risk to my emotional security and my husband's emotional security is too great. And because I can't carry on balancing that type of emotional relationship with another person when I need to put all of my focus on my family, my husband, my kids, my aging parents, and myself. I'd love the friendship and the counsel back, but the emotional risk is too great. And I don't want to hurt my AP more with feelings of "lost love" etc, nor hurt his family in any way. My AP needs to focus wholly on his family, too.

I don't know if that helps answer your questions, but perhaps it gives a slightly different perspective from a CS. I hated the secrecy. It did add to the excitement at the time, on occasion, like being a teenager sneaking around, but that was limited, and the stress and shame associated with that lying is terrible.

As a CS, StormPetrel, I am so sorry. As to your questions, I do still miss my AP. I imagine that’s fairly normal. But it doesn’t guide my conduct. I neither want nor arrange “chance” encounters. They wouldn’t provide anything of value, would increase the hurt for all concerned and prolong the process. Whatever else I feel, I don’t hate my AP or their BS. Not a bit. I support their decision completely. And, as far as I can tell, my AP’s attitude and approach are quite kind and very sensible. At this point, I just hope that something good can come of this for them and for my family, as your increased independence has been valuable to you. I have recently achieved a small measure of peace and I hope the real healing can begin. I hope for peace and healing for all of us here.

I think it's good you're looking for answers on this board, so remember to be kind to others when you're roaming around. Your response to someone who posted with the reply, "Wow, did you major in words?" was very snarky. We're all hurting, and it doesn't do anyone any good to feel worse.