That is a very good question. I think we all want to believe in the good nature of people so we tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. When you enter into an affair you generally have no secrets. Everything is up front and in the open. It's your marriage that you are hiding things from. So you go with the theory that there must somewhere in the world of cheaters be a code of ethics, an honor among thieves if you will. I know, again it sounds odd, but there really seems to be something to it. Now I can't speak for all cheaters and would never want to but I know I always start off with the hopes of being honest and then somehow life forces you to bend the truth. When you cheat you are living your life on multiple planes of existence. You have to blend the two and sometimes you have to get a little creative. So I guess my answer to your question is that everyone lies in every relationship. It's not specific to marriage. So we just go with what feels right. If you think they are cheating or lying talk to them about it. You might be surprised by the answers you get. Hope that helps.

The bottom line is that we all believe what we want/choose to believe. My husband cheated for years. I choose to believe that he changed and no longer indulges. Maybe I'm wrong. Not sure I even want to know the truth (although it would sure wipe my conscious clean and explain a bunch of other stuff...) As a cheater, Lying to the H is a matter of life and death. There is a certain freedom that comes with the A so I myself don't feel I need to lie. I can say anything because the OM knows the situation. He knew when he got in. There are certain things he chooses NOT to hear about and for obvious reasons we don't go there. Even when I leave (planning on a January departure from BOTH men) I doubt I will tell my H the real details of my A. That's a lot of pain that I honestly don't want to cause him.

I think in our situation the OW thought that my H wasn't lying to her because she had convinced herself that our relationship was the "bad" relationship and I was the "bad" wife and that my H had to lie to me or I would do all kinds of "bad" things to him.

She told herself that they had the "good" relationship that was true and honest and loving, and she was the "good" girlfriend that he could confide in and tell his true feelings to without fear of judgment or consequences.

What a joke. He lied to her much more than he lied to me. He lied to her so that she would believe what is written above while lying to me so I would believe essentially the same thing. He told me she was crazy, manipulative, unstable and unpredictable (which was partially true) and that was why he could not just dump her. He convinced me that if he did she would probably do all kinds of crazy, vengeful things to get back at us. In the end what he was telling both of us was a total bunch of BS to get us both to let him keep doing the nasty shit he was doing longer.

He lied to her more than me because he convinced her that he was just trying to get things resolved with me so that he could be with her. In reality it was the reverse. He had no intention of leaving me for her, and knew it would never last with her.

I agree that some OP, having no window into the marriage itself doesn't really know what's going on. They're being lied to as much as the spouse and they believe the MP.

I am baffled though about the type of OW that mine was. My H never promised the OW anything. She told him that he knew he was always coming back to me. She told me that she knew he didn't "love" her although she thought they were the best of friends. There were no romantic gestures, no love notes, no gifts or special days. She confirmed that too when I spoke to her on the phone 11 months post d-day. She was one of those kinds of women who NEEDED to feel validated and with my H she felt that. Through sex... how sad.

rel8 - the OW in my situation was very similiar to yours. H always told her he would never leave me. They never said they loved each other...or even liked each other for that matter. I am not sure what she was getting from the relationship with my H. They chatted back and forth through email...he rarely saw her, maybe once a month for 30 minutes...and she waited almost 2 years to ask him to sleep with her and when it came down to having sex, my H didn't work....and she continued to want to have sex with him after that! I really don't understand why a woman would continue in a relationship like that. She did tell my H once that all men fall for her...maybe my H was a challenge for her. Maybe she thought she deserved something, or maybe she just didn't feel good about herself and the little bit of attention she got from my H was enough to keep her going.

Thanks to everyone that wrote back to me. I am a very logical person - too much for my own good - and even 18 months out from Dday and with lots of professional help - I still struggle with so many things that will never make sense to me

Thanks,
Morgan

I am a bw as well. Why should it be hard for the ow/om to believe our spouses we did. The majority of the time we all usually believe what they are telling us because deep within us we want it to be true. We all want to feel wanted.

I guess that's just the point for me, honesty1.

I believed my spouse because I had no reason not to.

The OW, on the other hand, KNEW he was someone that would lie, cheat and betray a woman he pledged his life to, KNEW that he was a man that would lie to his own children.

But isnt that what a true liar can do. They make it seem like they are the victims. That their spouses are so terrible poor them. It is terrible, dont get me wrong I am not feeling sorry for the ow but both parties in my mind are equally guilty.

Thanks honesty. I wasn't asking so much about assigning guilt - I want to try and understand how it works in the mind of the OP.

They know that they are dealing with a liar - yet they think that the liar doesnt lie to THEM

Puzzling to me...

If the OP knew the cheater for a long period of time prior to the A, there is trust built there. Like hopeful said, you want to give people the benefit of the doubt especially if you were too trusting of people as it was. I wouldn't make up something just to make someone feel sorry for me so I wouldn't expect someone else to. When you find out that the OP lied after trusting them, you learn from it and your not so naive the next time.

The reality is this. Most (not all) A's happen at the work place. Some co-workers spend more time with each other than the spouses spend time with them. There's a repor amongst co-workers and personal problems do come out and get discussed whether it's right or wrong. It's human nature to reach out to people you trust whether it's a co-worker, neighbor, friend of the family or even someone online.

Take this site for instance. People talk about their most personal marriage/relationship problems among people that are outside of their marriage. Is this crossing the boundries of marriage where all problems should be discussed within the marriage?

I have seen people reaching out online about their problems and wound up getting together in real life. They were emotional vulnerable just like the A partners were. Really, not much different than A's that start out as an EA in real life and turn into PA's.

There's always going to be people reaching out for something and there's always going to be people who want to help in some way or another. It's a neverending battle until people learn to communicate better by being honest with each other and keeping issues within the boundries of the relationship. Obviously the rate of infidelity shows that this just isn't happening.

It's a pity. People have to be mindful at all times of what they're sharing and how far you're letting things go.... It can be done, it's not impossible. It's all up to the individual, vulnerable or not....

You're right, I'm vulnerable, and I'm on this site sharing a lot of personal information and it would be easy for me to connect with someone else experiencing the same issues. Here's the thing - That's not what I want!