Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
So I got a call from my H yesterday, he's tone was unusually happy. He asked how my day was and if we could have a talk later when he got home. I thought maybe this was the turning point to starting over and moving on and felt hopeful.
Later the evening we sat down and again he smiled, kissed me on the cheek asked how my day was then sat down next to me. Suddenly his face changed. That familiar dark, scary, cold eyes returned and he asked me about the details of my A again. This time he was was so angry, he's voice and manner scared me. I confessed to more things, i.e. how many times I had slept with my AP and he made me look up all the places or guest houses my AP took me to. Now i generally have a terrible memory when it comes to dates and places names and i honestly had buried the timeline and never even took note of the places names. Yet he kept saying i was a liar and he can't trust me that he wants to move on but i am still till today being dishonest.
Now i mentioned new info, that I met my AP for a 5 min coffee in public 2 months ago (nothing happened) this was impromptu. This was the first time i saw him in 1.5-2 years as communication was only via e-mail and as friends. The main purpose was to tell him that I didn't want contact, wanted to move and have made no contact since. I don't know where he works, lives or what car he drives nor have his number and deleted everything. I knew that a friendship would be impossible as it would be secret and I just wanted to erase what had happened. Been feeling so much guilt and bad.
Anyway my H had really pulled out all the derogatory terms there is. the lowest of low even compared me to an animal, not a human being- how shameful my acts were. And then came out the worst card ever that I am a bad mother:( it breaks me all over again. H also wants a paternity test on our 2nd born as he's not sure if the child is his. I am sure that she is, but he says that i put her at risk could have given him or her a disease. i am so stupid, i never thought of any of these risks as i was stuck in a bubble...a fantasy...
Today I am having the worst day of my life. i feel hopeless and empty. I cannot forgive myself, i cannot move on from this. i feel like the worst person in this world. He told me that i don't deserve him :( i feel like the only reason real reason he's sticking around is for the kids and that kills me too.... all he wants is my honesty no more lies. and i am trying my very best but i do not have the intimate details to the T i don't know the timeline or dates as the PA happened 2011/2012. he doesn't believe anything i say... Heading into another dreaded weekend. down with the flu and 34 weeks pregnant feeling like i'm slipping into a depression.
Later the evening we sat down and again he smiled, kissed me on the cheek asked how my day was then sat down next to me. Suddenly his face changed. That familiar dark, scary, cold eyes returned and he asked me about the details of my A again. This time he was was so angry, he's voice and manner scared me. I confessed to more things, i.e. how many times I had slept with my AP and he made me look up all the places or guest houses my AP took me to. Now i generally have a terrible memory when it comes to dates and places names and i honestly had buried the timeline and never even took note of the places names. Yet he kept saying i was a liar and he can't trust me that he wants to move on but i am still till today being dishonest.
Now i mentioned new info, that I met my AP for a 5 min coffee in public 2 months ago (nothing happened) this was impromptu. This was the first time i saw him in 1.5-2 years as communication was only via e-mail and as friends. The main purpose was to tell him that I didn't want contact, wanted to move and have made no contact since. I don't know where he works, lives or what car he drives nor have his number and deleted everything. I knew that a friendship would be impossible as it would be secret and I just wanted to erase what had happened. Been feeling so much guilt and bad.
Anyway my H had really pulled out all the derogatory terms there is. the lowest of low even compared me to an animal, not a human being- how shameful my acts were. And then came out the worst card ever that I am a bad mother:( it breaks me all over again. H also wants a paternity test on our 2nd born as he's not sure if the child is his. I am sure that she is, but he says that i put her at risk could have given him or her a disease. i am so stupid, i never thought of any of these risks as i was stuck in a bubble...a fantasy...
Today I am having the worst day of my life. i feel hopeless and empty. I cannot forgive myself, i cannot move on from this. i feel like the worst person in this world. He told me that i don't deserve him :( i feel like the only reason real reason he's sticking around is for the kids and that kills me too.... all he wants is my honesty no more lies. and i am trying my very best but i do not have the intimate details to the T i don't know the timeline or dates as the PA happened 2011/2012. he doesn't believe anything i say... Heading into another dreaded weekend. down with the flu and 34 weeks pregnant feeling like i'm slipping into a depression.
*hugs*
Not Just Friends
Getting Past the Affair
How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair
There is a Dr. Harley that has an excellent book called Surviving An Affair; he also has some videos on YouTube that were helpful to me as I struggled with the pain of betrayal. But the book that helped me the most was The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity by Dr. Scott Haltzman. It is an easy read and a very well written book. This book addresses flame addiction, which really helped me to understand better just exactly what happened when my boyfriend cheated.
The sad thing is that BS need answers, and they will ask the same questions over and over. I know I did. The job of the CS is to answer all those questions over and over with patience, love, and kindness. There is absolutely no room for a CS to be the least bit critical or seemingly unsympathetic when rebuilding. I know it is hard, but sadly that is the price that has to be paid for the mess that was created.
If I were you, I would try to at least figure out a close time bracket and the locations for when/where the episodes of cheating occurred. Then sit your H down and tell him that you know his concerns, that those concerns are important to you, and that you have done your best to try to figure those dates and times out. Perhaps that will help him realize that you are trying and he will be more understanding.
With a BS, episodes of disbelief, anger, sadness and pain will come and go. I know this firsthand, as this happened to me, and I am a pretty level-headed, even-tempered person. With time and patience and love, they should subside. This is a normal progression. It sounds like you have a difficult situation. I wish you luck. I hope that you two can rebuild and hold that family together. Your kids need a 2-parent home. So many don't get that anymore. But that is another subject.