Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Feel like I come on here and post every few months, the affair that started as a short term thing has now been going on for a year. I could never in a million years had guessed this would still be happening. As a father of two very young girls, how could I do this? BUT I CANT STOP. I'm not really sure how much my AP really even cares about me, and yet I find my feelings of self worth being wrapped up in completely in her - it's pathetic. But I've never been more physically attracted to a woman in my life. She works with me, is the 10 in the mostly male dominated office. Feel like the only way I'll be able to see this ending is she stops it (crushing to imagine), my wife finds out (destroys my family) or I fake my own death and move to a Caribbean island and sell shell necklaces (my own personal fantasy). The 3rd was a joke - I want to be the father to my girls, someone they love, knows loves them, and a good example as the man in their lives. I won't run away, but I'm in a dark place. I was with my AP the other night, and their little faces flashed in my mind to the point that I couldn't "perform". Trust me (what an ironic choice of phrase) but nobody is more disgusted by me than me. I hate myself. But I CANT STOP.
I've heard the rational advice - "you need to choose", "better to let your wife have an opportunity for a husband that loves her", "long term relationships with affair partners dont last", "you can have whatever relationship you want with your girls even if you're not married to their mother" - but these are not rational times.
This IS addiction. I put myself in this position to be sure, have no one to blame but me - But I need help.
I have no idea if any of what I just wrote makes any sense, it's just what flowed out of my head. Thanks for letting me vent it.
No, their home with mom would be home and you would be the one they visit on every other weekend, more and more grudgingly as the years grind on, until you're something of a friendly stranger whom they don't really know that well at all. That's what happens. Happened to my dad.
Heck, maybe in time step dad would become the more familiar face, the one they go to when they have one of those problems that come up at random times, when statistically speaking you won't be there because most of the time you're not. What, you think they will wait until they see you next weekend? I know, it's a horrible thought, right? But these are the things I think about.
I feel the same as you, though, stuck in a long term affair and fantasizing about getting out. But I could not have the Caribbean fantasy without thinking about how much my girls would love to help me pick out the shells and make the necklaces.
I don't know how to help you but nonetheless I offer my help. It's a terrible thing we are doing. We need to find a way out.
You (and you Passenger!) ARE in control; you need to realize that. Pulling the plug on an A is not for the faint of heart, but it's do-able. If you truly want to stop, if you want to redirect your focus to your respective wives (or even a good, energy-consuming sport), nobody stands in the way of that but you. Not AP. Believe me when I tell you, they will survive. It might not be easy for them, but they will come out stronger on the other end. These situations aren't healthy.. not for you or the women involved. Put on big boy pants and STOP THEM.
Or... just hold your breath until your marriages are firebombed by the affairs. You do have a choice!
Its really that you aren't ready or don't want to.
And I don't mean to sound harsh in anyway......but it does come down to choice. You are either in an affair or you aren't.
Please know I get how so damn hard it is. I think quitting smoking was easier.
I joined here 3 months before I got the momentum to finally say 'I'm done' to my two year affair, a door opened and I walked out.
5 months later I missed him like hell, I wasn't strong and began A#2 with him.....lasted another year until finally he ended it and I never ever contacted him again. There has to be a done point. There has to be for you to be successful. I knew I could not have this man in my life anymore, it compromised who I was, it was effecting my well being- I was even put on antidepressants.
He was not good for me and ultimately a choice needed to be made.
I actually found a buddy/sponsor in this site who helped me each step of the way:Spokane, who self admitted he had the same behaviors and could peg my xAP like no one else. I will be eternally grateful for his support.
That doesn't mean I don't miss him or I don't think of him, but just because you miss someone or love someone doesn't mean they belong in your life.
Again, it is so so hard. I had an xAP contact me this morning. Nice, nice real guy and it was hard- but I did it, I actually just told the truth, & then I blocked him, so so hard. It's a choice.
I will tell you if your wife finds out you will risk losing everything. DDays have only been described as pure hell.
Tell me, is she worth it?
Get out now. Block your AP every which way and don't look back. You will thank me in the end. I suspect you won't listen bc I didn't either. Wish I had. Those are 2 years I'll never get back. Save yourself....block....block....block! & DON'T STALK either. That just keeps them in your head. No matter how much you think you can control it, you can't. Just Do It!!!!
LOL....crazy, crazy stuff.
I could not resist that man and I knew when he 'ghosted' on me I had no other choice but to take this opportunity and to run the opposite direction. And because I WAS still stalking (and like Clover said keeping him in my head), I could see his personal life was changing and that helped keep me away more. And as hard as it was, the most hardest thing ever, nothing tastes as good as my freedom from him. He was my demon......
But she is filling some need, somewhere and until you address that need appropriately, its never going to stop....with her or someone else. You do need to be out of the fog to see that. IC and this site helped me so much. I used to journal constantly. Constantly! In fact I was looking this morning. I have like 199 journals....really.....90% of them are about him (lol, he has been given wayyyyy too much head space). I used to read my journals to my therapist actually.
My affair lasted about 15 months. D-day didn't end it immediately, but it sure helped show me how terrible of a thing I had done, which tips the scales away from wanting the AP in most cases.
One way or another this will end. And it's going to take determination and it's going to hurt.
To what degree the pain and who becomes collateral casualties is something you have some degree of control over..
Get a plan.. ( I was hoping I misread that you guys worked with each other...but I reread and cringed) my take on that? Somebody has to go work somewhere else. Read about dealing with emotions. Pull the trigger.. Clove nailed it.. The Crazy Train! I got off and you can too Do it before it derails... And it will!!!
That's like rule number 1 in the Book of Affairs: "Don't dip your pen in the company ink". or other choice phrases.
You're definitely doing the right thing by coming to a support forum like this. I don't know that you've ever though about counseling, but that would definitely be something to think about as well.