Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Please excuse the simmered down story. I've been married for 13 years. I realized on my honeymoon I made a mistake because I hadn't lived. (Relationship to relationship and never traveled) For those years I have given into her wants despite me telling her that it was best or what I wanted. (Kids and moving permanently to another city) Yes, I'm a pleaser. Over the last four year we began to grow apart. The first two years I didn't say anything about being neglected because I compared my situation to others. By doing so my problems paled in comparison so I said nothing. The last two I began to speak up that we needed to make a change and that I felt like we were only roommates. After a major let down by my wife I checked out totally on my marriage. I had an affair shortly after with someone that I knew had the same interests as I in her but now she was divorced. Long story short I feel alive around her and all that jazz. But we have tried to break it off several times but we end up together again. Now she is dating and sleeping with a "friend". I still can't wrap my head around the casual sex thing,but who am I to judge. Despite all this I still care for her and I can't let go. At the same time I don't want to hurt my wife anymore. I told my wife about the affair and that I had ended it but I keep going back to the flame.
My wife is loyal, she doesn't nag and simply she is awesome. The problem is that she bores me to death and it's been like that majority of the marriage.
My wife is loyal, she doesn't nag and simply she is awesome. The problem is that she bores me to death and it's been like that majority of the marriage.
I will say this. For some reason you picked your wife, you married her. I believe it's often possible to get that spark back with your spouse and its something you can consciously work at. It's not about listening to your heart because your heart is capricious. If you always follow your heart you will be going on a life-long wild goose chase. Though of course your heart must have its say.
I will also say that just because maybe you made a decision that in retrospect seems less than ideal, it does not follow that the right course of action is to reverse that decision. Let's say you bought a house and then the the day after you move in the exact same house goes on the market for 5% less. Well it will cost you about 7% plus a lot of hassle to get out of the first house, so you might as well stay put even though the other house was a better deal. That's how it goes. Sometimes there's a better option just around the corner but sometimes that's as good as it gets. That's life.
Bottom line, my advice would be to make some excitement with the wife and to forget about this other lady. But easier said than done, I know.
This other woman seems like trouble ( no offense- love makes us dumb). I think she loves you, but the fact you are still married hurts her so she gets with other guys. Maybe you said you'd leave and bailed. I don't know. I do know when you can't have someone, they by default become the only thing you crave.
I agree with passenger, and rekindle the love and cut the chord with the other woman. Maybe move to a new city, grab your wife by the hips and show her your love. Good luck.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-being-a-people-pleaser-may-increase-your-risk-of-infidelity-040814
My husband and I are in discernment counseling trying to decide if there is a possibility of truly reconciling or if I want to leave and just don't have the courage to do it. My therapy work involves identifying my own needs and voicing themy, which is so difficult for people like us. My therapists (yes, multiple) say that people pleasers should think of using our voices as the only way of being authentic and honest in a conversation or relationship and that by keeping silent and smoothing things over, we are actually being manipulative. If we speak up from the heart and feel guilty, we should acknowledge the guilt but not let it be an excuse for us to do nothing (make no positive steps or changes in our lives).
I was even a people pleaser in my affair, despite feeling the joy and freedom of having what felt like some personal space, so I think it has to be dealt with whether you stay married or not.