Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
My closest friend has told me I'm not a bad person, and that I had a moment of weakness, that I was sexually repressed. But it doesn't make me feel less like a slut, whore, the biggest scum of the earth. If you would have told me this was the person I would become a year ago, I would have laughed. I was not only a cheater but the OW. I am disgusted with myself. The only hope is that I didn't get pregnant or contract a disease being so reckless. I honestly feel nauseous as the acts I committed get replayed in my head. Oh how I wish there was a reset button in life. I can never get the precious treasure I saved for my boyfriend back.
Backstory: I have been in a long distance relationship for 5 years and have never been tempted by other men. However, I have been hit on at my new job by several coworkers, and it was something I didn't know how to handle. I wanted to remain sweet and attractive in their minds, but I know I had a commitment to my boyfriend. But they began speaking to my vulnerabilities. My sexual needs weren't being met. I was in a long-distant relationship. I was in a new town for a new job, and I didn't have any friends. They were willing to fill those voids.
So I began flirting back with these coworkers. Just innocent fun I thought. But things escalated with one of them. All I could think about was having sex with this guy. I was no longer turned on by my boyfriend, but the OM. What makes it worse, is that I knew the OM was married. He used the same line that every cheating spouse uses, "We're married but separated. We don't even love each other anymore, etc." So it made me further rationalize this crap. It's one thing to not have respect for myself and my own relationship, but to not even care about his wife? Just low.
I officially ended it with the guy after having sex with him. I realized that I didn't really like the guy; I was just curious to find out what sex would be like with him, and it was horrible! But I'm glad it was horrible because who knows how long the affair would have went on (emotional affair lasted a month; physical affair lasted 2 days).
Now I can't talk to my boyfriend the same way. Every time I tell him "I love you", I feel like a liar. I do love him. I never will cheat again. I know that is an absolute statement, but the guilt and shame feel so heavy, I can't imagine being so dumb again. I just want to escape this life. But committing suicide would hurt my boyfriend even more than confessing.
I think about confessing everyday, but it gets harder because he talks about how beautiful, blessed, and loving I am. He has talked more and more about getting married and how he knows for sure I am his wife. He talks about how God has grown our relationship. Hearing things like that and hearing how happy he is just makes me want to take this secret to the grave UNLESS I get pregnant or contract a disease. I would definitely tell him then. I would never ruin his life with an STD. But I would have to wait months to get tested, which sucks. I see him in 2 months, but most diseases can't be detected until 3 months. Even though I don't plan to have sex with him, he more than likely wants to kiss. And I know herpes can be transmitted that way, so I really don't want to put him at risk.
I just so disgusted with myself and how I let others influence me to go out and explore. I ruined a damn good thing. Sigh.
Backstory: I have been in a long distance relationship for 5 years and have never been tempted by other men. However, I have been hit on at my new job by several coworkers, and it was something I didn't know how to handle. I wanted to remain sweet and attractive in their minds, but I know I had a commitment to my boyfriend. But they began speaking to my vulnerabilities. My sexual needs weren't being met. I was in a long-distant relationship. I was in a new town for a new job, and I didn't have any friends. They were willing to fill those voids.
So I began flirting back with these coworkers. Just innocent fun I thought. But things escalated with one of them. All I could think about was having sex with this guy. I was no longer turned on by my boyfriend, but the OM. What makes it worse, is that I knew the OM was married. He used the same line that every cheating spouse uses, "We're married but separated. We don't even love each other anymore, etc." So it made me further rationalize this crap. It's one thing to not have respect for myself and my own relationship, but to not even care about his wife? Just low.
I officially ended it with the guy after having sex with him. I realized that I didn't really like the guy; I was just curious to find out what sex would be like with him, and it was horrible! But I'm glad it was horrible because who knows how long the affair would have went on (emotional affair lasted a month; physical affair lasted 2 days).
Now I can't talk to my boyfriend the same way. Every time I tell him "I love you", I feel like a liar. I do love him. I never will cheat again. I know that is an absolute statement, but the guilt and shame feel so heavy, I can't imagine being so dumb again. I just want to escape this life. But committing suicide would hurt my boyfriend even more than confessing.
I think about confessing everyday, but it gets harder because he talks about how beautiful, blessed, and loving I am. He has talked more and more about getting married and how he knows for sure I am his wife. He talks about how God has grown our relationship. Hearing things like that and hearing how happy he is just makes me want to take this secret to the grave UNLESS I get pregnant or contract a disease. I would definitely tell him then. I would never ruin his life with an STD. But I would have to wait months to get tested, which sucks. I see him in 2 months, but most diseases can't be detected until 3 months. Even though I don't plan to have sex with him, he more than likely wants to kiss. And I know herpes can be transmitted that way, so I really don't want to put him at risk.
I just so disgusted with myself and how I let others influence me to go out and explore. I ruined a damn good thing. Sigh.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. You have reached a right place where you'll find wonderful people who were / are in a similar situation and lot of support from them. I hope you'll get the much needed guidance and support you are looking for here to resolve your problems.
I just want to tell you one thing; death is not the solution for your problem. Please don't think about death again. It is cruel to think about forced death. Please be calm and analyze your situation. Think how you can make this sadness into happiness. Stop worrying what happened in the past and concentrate on your future. People here will give support and suggestions, but it is you who has to decide what is good for you and your boyfriend. I hope you'll find the joy and happiness back in your life again.
@JustDrifting. We have been together longer than that. It is just that we been long distance for over 5 years. It has mainly been because of me. No military or jail. Just extra years devoted to getting a higher degree and being underemployed during the time. This year he has finally considered long term plans after me putting on the pressure and talking early about my pursuers.
A few months, and he probably would have finally proposed to me. He talked about how he looked at rings and his plans to moving here. But I ran out of patience and screwed up my life. 2014 was supposed to be a great year, a very good year. Now it will be the worst year of my life and probably his. I will get off my soapbox.
I decided that I will confess tonight. I wish I could do it in person, but like I said, we're in a long distance relationship. I didn't want to confess because I thought of all the pain and humiliation I would cause him, and I read some of the stories of the betrayed who went through depression and PTSD. I don't want that to happen to him. But I am going to tell anyway. If not, I still hold all the power, which I do not deserve. He has always talked about how cheating is the one unforgivable thing for him. He would not raise a family with a cheater. I have to respect that. I am prepared for the worst. I have already put our pictures away :(
I myself did not tell, I got caught, but if I had shut it down early on and felt such remorse and told, that actually would have made it easier for my H in the long run than the way it happened. Instead, I went on a 7 mo sexual rampage that involved the first man that is similar to yours, plus a lot of cyber play and another OM at the end. Why are my H and I together still and happy now 3 years later? (but, yes, I still suffer some over what I did, there is no getting away from that completely) It's because of what I did afterwards that made all the difference. I admitted I needed help first thing, at confrontation. I got a counselor. We went together, which I know you cannot do, even if he wants to, but you can go individually and I highly recommend that you do. If finances are an issue there are ways around that. Our first counselor was expensive, but good. I now see one through a ministry and she is free. We also read some very good books together that our counselor recommended. I can recommend some to you. The books we read helped us work through things a lot and helped us make needed changes in our relationship and helped us help each other heal. I did a lot of religious work on myself with my priests guidance which continues to this day. I also did, and still do, a lot of self reflection, which can be painful but is necessary to understand all the hows and whys that this happened. I had to understand the contributing factors and my vulnerabilities. A lot of painful but good self-discovery happens in this process. Again, counseling and guidance is invaluable in this process. A lot of this you will need / want to go through no matter how he responds.
When you tell, if you haven't already, I'm sure he will "see" you deep sorrow and remorse even though he will be reeling himself. It will help him to know how seriously you take this and that you are going to take steps towards working on yourself and healing from what you did. I think that is what helped my H the most is that from the moment of confrontation, which was unexpected and I had no chance to prepare for, he could see that I was willing to give it 100% and that I immediately began actively taking steps in the right direction.
Hope this helps, let us know how it goes. I'll be thinking of you.
j
1. He would never trust me anymore
2. He's an idiot
3. The second time he's been cheated on
4. God and everyone else tried to warn him
The way it played out is exactly how I knew it would play out. I didn't tell him to relieve guilt because believe me, you feel just as much guilt knowing that you have destroyed someone's happiness and faith in life. I told him because he had the right to know, and HE had the right to make a decision.
I don't know if he will take me back. He probably shouldn't. I never got a chance to explain why I did it, and I don't think he cared. I think if it didn't turn sexual, I would have had a chance. But men do not like hearing things like that. And I knew it. A part of me wanted to keep that lie, but I knew I had to tell everything.
@Gabriel, he didn't believe I remorseful. In fact, he believes I'll do it again. I know I can't convince otherwise, but I know myself, and I'm not going to let someone label me a lifetime liar/cheater. I knew he was in his right to feel whatever emotion he felt at the moment, but that was the one thing he said that I was upset about. I don't think the betrayed will ever forget, forgive, or understand. He just told me he'll pray for me and he hopes I get my life together. He said thanks for telling him and helping him avoid the biggest mistake in his life.
I never thought I'd be the biggest mistake in someone's life.
But I'll start therapy this week to work on my issues. I'm not gonna lie, I worry about how he will cope through this, but I know I have to respect him enough to heal on his own. If I ever find someone who loves me half as much, I would think back to this day, and remember to never ever do something so selfish and stupid again.
If you do get a chance to communicate, that book, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual For the Unfaithful by: Linda MacDonald, can give you some good guidance. It is the best I have seen for that purpose. He is not your spouse, of course, but the principles still apply. I do believe it is the CS's responsibility to help their BS heal as best they can, whether the relationship is salvaged or not, if they have any opportunity to do so.
In the meantime, read Not Just Friends by: Shirley Glass. It will help you very much in understanding the hows and whys of what happened. I was amazed when I read this book.
Your BF probably doesn't realize this right now, maybe he will eventually or maybe he never will, but the fact that you are one of the ones who needed to tell and is unwilling to continue on living a lie is a rare gift. I know you can't exactly tell him that right now, but at some point it may dawn on him that if you could not keep it hidden, even facing up to such dire consequences and doing the hardest thing ever, that that should mean something huge in the trust regaining department and having confidence in the future that it won't happen again.
If he is too hurt to get to that realization, at least that realization should help you going forward because you have to learn to trust yourself again too and find some safety within yourself that you will never do this to yourself or someone you love ever ever again. That was one of the big things I have had to work through for myself. Especially for the first year or so after I got caught. I found that to be one of the interesting things; that the very trust and safety that he had to find with me, I also had to find with my own self. Yes, I felt I had betrayed myself as much as I had betrayed him.
Even if you don't send the letter I mentioned above it might be a good exercise to write it anyway so that it will give you some clarity within yourself and on what you would say if you get the chance.
He called me yesterday to get some answers, but in the end he told me he could never marry me or love me the same way. I knew I risked a 99% chance of that happening. He deserves someone so much better. He said for a few months he was struggling wondering why he was hesitating to build a future with me. Then he said how now he realized that it was God telling him to wait. He said he prayed to God 3 months ago to send him a sign, and this was the sign he needed to never marry me.
My heart was so broken when he said that. Why would a god cause 2 people so much pain just to give one of them a sign to not marry that person? And why did I have to be the idiot who fell for the serpent?
My mom hounded me for telling him. She said some things you just don't tell. You put it in the past and let it stay in the past. But I think it was the right thing. He thanked me for being honest. He said that was the only reason he decided to call me back.
The conversation was up and down. There was calmness and there was anger at some points. He started talking about all the people who told him he should never marry me. Actually, he started revealing a lot after my reveal. It made me wonder just how much stuff he withheld from me. But I'm not going to attack him. He is angry.
Gabriel, I'll look into those books, and once again, your words meant a lot. Sorry for this incoherent post, everyone.
I was thinking about something relating to your situation recently. Lot's of people cheat, and some can keep the secret fairly well, and others are just unwilling to live with that big toxic secret. Whether a person tells or doesn't tell, gets caught or doesn't get caught, the relationship still may or may not survive either way. Even if the BS never finds out, the poison is there. They may not know why the relationship is failing, but they may be able to sense something is off and neither one may be able to get it back on track. If the relationship fails, then you've got the question of whether to reveal the whole sordid story to a new love interest, so suddenly here it is again. To tell or not to tell. One thing is for sure, if a CS has a new love interest and decides to tell, I should think their new love interest would have a much better reception to the story if the CS was able to say that they could not live with the secret and had to tell. I should think it would give the person great pause if you said you kept the secret and either got caught or never told.
Anyway, just something I was thinking about today.
This will be a very difficult road for both of you. Reading the books gabriele recommends (including the book her husband wrote about their journey) would be a great start. Be patient and be open to advice from those who have been down this road.
I have forgiven my H and we have a better marriage now because of the work we've put into rebuilding. Of course I wish we could have put the work into rebuilding without the A but that's just not how life went for us.
Stay strong.
As you do the things that you do to work on yourself, share, if you can, with your exBF, what you are doing, what you are learning, insights, etc.... He still seems to care and he is obviously still going to be struggling with it all and it will be good for him to know what you are doing and learning. Even if he stays your ex, I think it will do him good to know these things.
One other thing, read Psalm 51. It is the Psalm that David wrote as a direct result of being called out on his A with Bathsheba and having her H killed. His Dday was pretty big. I read and then recited (because after a time I naturally had it memorized) this Psalm every day for over a year. I still quote it often. So helpful when you realize that he was going through the same pain as we are.