Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

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in33dh3lp123 09/29/2015

I need help very badly. I have been married to my husband for 13 years. And I cheated on him last year three times with a man that I met at a previous job who lives out of state. I did it by getting a job that allowed me to travel and the man I had the affair with would meet me. The result was last year I got pregnant. I have not been with that man for over a year. I told him I was pregnant and he paid for a paternity test and it was his. I told my husband finally confessed that the child was not his. I made the choice to stay with my husband because the guy I had an affair with did not want to move down with me until I immediately made the choice to leave my husband. Which I wanted to but I also have a child with my husband and I did not want to leave my husband unless I knew that he would really move down to take care of me. He never committed to move down so I picked my husband to stay with than to continue a relationship with him. My husband is a great man he forgave me for what I did and took care of me and my new son. And still does to this day. I only saw the man I had an affair with to let him see the baby when he was born and every few months he will come down to see his child so I drop him off. This will be the third time he has come down to see his child. And I will say I am friendly to him because I don't want to have a bad relationship with him because of my son. We are friends and when we text or email we strictly talk about our son but it has been a year since I have been with him sexually and I think of him often. Maybe because he never committed to me and I have a bad habit of wanting something I can not have. I love my husband and feel bad that I still have some sort of feelings towards this man when I know I should not. I mean the asshole could not commit to me or his child while I was pregnant. He would only ask if I was ok and most of the time I was the one to give him updates on the baby. It still is that way for the 5 months we have had our son. That is until its time that he wants to come see him which is the second time since he was born. I dream about this man every night and fantasize about him constantly. I will say they guy has had nothing to do with me either it's just me thinking about him and I don't know why. He is not even good looking, my husband is better looking than him and really cares for me and my son. So why do I feel this way? He is coming to see his son soon and I am scared I am going to do something stupid because I just feel like I got to have him in my life. It's like I need this high from doing something bad. Or maybe like I said I just want things I should not have. It's so stupid! I hate myself! HELP ME!

sedgwick4914 09/30/2015

So if indeed you want to avoid falling back into this guy's arms, one thing is to make sure that you are not alone with him while he is visiting. In fact include your husband in the visit if that is feasible. If you are alone with him, talk positive about your husband. Bring up nice things that you and H have done recently. That will send him a message and set a boundary.

sedgwick4914 09/30/2015

Also, when you are by yourself, tell yourself out loud that this guy is an asshole who wants to just use you. Even if you do not believe it, saying it out loud will help to get yourself into a mindset of putting up barriers, which is what you need to do.

prettyanddumb12 09/30/2015

^ Agreed! You are fortunate to have such an understanding husband and in a twisted way, such a "normal" life as a result of your situation. Realize how fortunate you are. If nothing else, you have a tie to your exAP that is pretty permanent. That's more than most of us can say. Love your family and cherish whatever bond you have/had with exOM - - as long as it doesn't interfere with what is important in your life. Boundaries. Yes.

in33dh3lp123 09/30/2015

Thank you Sedgwick and PrettyandDumb for replying. I really do have a great H and a great life. My H provides love and support to me and my son. He loves my son like his own. I am a very lucky wife! This is my step towards being a faithful wife. I can't go full NC with the OM because of our son and I can't take my H with me when I drop my son off with his dad because my H has said he will kill him. But he understands that my son needs to see his dad. And I do keep it brief when I drop him off. But in my head I fight with myself because I have feelings still for the OM. Like last night I kept thinking of him. It's like a devil and angel battle in my head "I want him" but "he is an asshole for leaving me pregnant dealing with his ultimatum". But then I remember things like how I email him about his son and he takes forever to reply back or even ask about him. But when we were together if I emailed him about being with him or anything sexual he would respond right away. I also remember how he wanted me to break up my family which would hurt my son I have with my H but could not commit to me that he would move down and take care of me, my older son, and the son we have together. It's just sometimes the lust part of me wants to break me down but I think like you said Sedgwick keep remembering that he is an asshole. I think I am on the right track. And I will keep fighting to be the wife I should have been all along! You guys help a lot! Thank you!

imnoangelangela 09/30/2015

You should communicate with your H about your hesitation in spending alone time with the OM and your son. Can you tell him how you want to respect your marriage and that you need him to be there during visits to do that? Ask him to be there with you to help you keep your emotions in check. You do have a wonderful H that has stood by you through thick and thin - he'll be there for you to keep you in check as well. It will probably draw you closer together.

Your OM is a coward. He left you and HIS son. He is letting another man raise his son because it was easier than stepping up to the plate. Don't give him ANY benefit of a relationship with you - only a relationship with your son, because that's what your son deserves, not what the OM deserves.

Don't try to do this alone - you have a H to help you. Most of us don't have that. Believe me, it doesn't work to do it alone. We end up doing what we don't want to do.

in33dh3lp123 09/30/2015

Thank you ImNoAngel. I should clarify and say I want exactly be alone with the OM. His parents will be at the hotel with him as well. And your right he is a coward. I don't know exactly why I have feelings for him but with more time passing and the help of you guys and the love and support I get from my husband it is going away. It is amazing how just using this sight as help me see the light of what I have at home. I wish I could have seen it before I had the big A, but I am sure we all feel this way. Thank you all again.

imnoangelangela 09/30/2015

I'm glad you won't be alone with him during visits. So stop fantasizing about him and stop thinking about reconnecting. When you find your mind going "there", stop, think about other things.
That's my tip for the day. It was helpful for me. Good luck!

in33dh3lp123 09/30/2015

Will do Thanks!

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