Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
October it will be a year since my first posting on this page.. Its been such a rollercoaster since then and all of you has really helped SO much. I thank you.
I am committed to saving my marriage. i have sticked to NC. really been trying to change my life and tried to do the things my husband asks. I am so sad to have lost my relationship, the obstacles we had before the A now seems so small to what we are facing now. somehow it feels like I dont have "access" to our memories together. I was sitting in my secret hiding place and looked at all our memories together and I cried for loosing them. He says that we are new people now and need to find each other. I cut my long black hair completely short and coloured in blond, as if I want to delete that part of my life. I dont want to think about it and what Ive done. i just want to erase it all but I miss "me" and I miss "me" with my husband.
He is translating all this sadness as a longing for my xAp but it is not. it is just a deep sadness for what Ive lost. My husband is staying for the kids. He has been "entertaining the thought" of other ladies and the more I snoop on his computer the more I find websites confirming my thoughts. A few weeks he even mentioned having an "open" relationship. it devastated me, I SO badly want to make "us" work. I miss him, I miss our memories, I miss "us".
The problem with being a cheater is that you always see signs.. he is clinging onto his phone, clearing website history etc. It makes me so sad. I really wanted to make this work.
It feels like because I was the cheater it is only me that has to work on my faults.
I am so tired.
How did you work at your marriage?
I am committed to saving my marriage. i have sticked to NC. really been trying to change my life and tried to do the things my husband asks. I am so sad to have lost my relationship, the obstacles we had before the A now seems so small to what we are facing now. somehow it feels like I dont have "access" to our memories together. I was sitting in my secret hiding place and looked at all our memories together and I cried for loosing them. He says that we are new people now and need to find each other. I cut my long black hair completely short and coloured in blond, as if I want to delete that part of my life. I dont want to think about it and what Ive done. i just want to erase it all but I miss "me" and I miss "me" with my husband.
He is translating all this sadness as a longing for my xAp but it is not. it is just a deep sadness for what Ive lost. My husband is staying for the kids. He has been "entertaining the thought" of other ladies and the more I snoop on his computer the more I find websites confirming my thoughts. A few weeks he even mentioned having an "open" relationship. it devastated me, I SO badly want to make "us" work. I miss him, I miss our memories, I miss "us".
The problem with being a cheater is that you always see signs.. he is clinging onto his phone, clearing website history etc. It makes me so sad. I really wanted to make this work.
It feels like because I was the cheater it is only me that has to work on my faults.
I am so tired.
How did you work at your marriage?
It sounds like, and I may be wrong, that this affair and aftermath really did a number on your confidence and self esteem, as well as his and he is being obnoxiously blatant about entering one himself (partially to hurt you). It's kinda like emotional abuse. You both need guidance to move on.
I think you (all of us here), made a mistake, a poor choice in judgement....we are human, we are not perfect, and we rectified it. We need to forgive ourselves. But we can't erase it....we can only use it to make us stronger. Be kind to yourself. You are already a remarkable woman for ending it, seeing your error and maintaining NC for almost a year! (More than I've done). That, in itself, is huge & speaks volumes!
I agree with doing things together, but I think the only way to move forward is therapy. I think it's almost "too big" to work on this by yourself.
Restoremylove - thank you for your comments - Yes, he knows how I feels, I am completely honest about my feelings and insecurities and I really try to be there for him too. I cry with him, sit up with him, medicate and nurse him.Two years of my life living it in these conditions, acting, posing, just seems so long..but I know it does not compare to the hurt I've caused him.
I just joined this site 2 months ago, so forgive me if I don't know the background here. Do you mind summarizing the affair, how it started, how it was revealed, etc.? If it brings up painful memories, then I understand. Trust is such a defining characteristic in a healthy relationship, and once it's lost, it's hard to get it back. Your husband is right though. You are new people. That relationship you had, you're never gonna get it back. But why does that have to be a bad thing? Nothing wrong with creating new memories and healthier habits to grow a better relationship that you can hopefully look at decades from now appreciating.
Now one thing the BS's do is the 180 exercise. I think CS's can do this, too. I am sort of doing this with my ex. Adjust it as necessary, of course. The main thing I take from the 180 is regaining confidence and happiness with yourself. Enjoy the skin you live in.
Your husband is still trying to cope, albeit in an unhealthy manner. Right after I confessed to my ex, he told me he wanted to go out and screw another woman just to hurt me like I hurt him. Similarly, your husband may be thinking of ways to hurt you like you hurt him. It could be consciously or subconsciously.But anyway, think about the 180 exercise, but don't follow it to the T because you don't want it to backfire. Just concentrate on the parts that will make you love you again because nothing is more attractive than a confident woman :)
Look, he has been wanting you to work on yourself and I get that and you have been. You've done really great actually, but even if your H wasn't doing anything wrong himself, you two have to pull together. This is a team effort. Back to one of my favorite illustrations: Lets say your house gets blown to smithereens because of something stupid you did. Maybe something you have been warned about before but didn't heed the warnings. Now you and your H are standing in the rubble (Dday). You have to decide what to do. Do you rebuild on the spot? (reconcile) or do you abandon the location. (Divorce) If you decide to reconcile (which you two did decide to do) Do you look at each other and say, "Okay, you go start hammering over there and I'll hammer over here and hopefully it will all come together in a liveable fashion somehow?" No! You first get help and advice if you aren't trained builders yourselves. You map out a plan. You get professional help when you need it, you work together in every aspect of the rebuilding.
This is not happening. Working together. I think you should insist on getting counseling together. It may be hard to get him to agree because it seems he has things he is hiding and would have to put a stop to. That complicates things because that means he has his own addictive fog, clouding his thinking. This has to be true if he is talking about open marriage. Ugh. I hate that things are going this way for you two. If he won't got to counseling then you can give a concession that you will let that go for now if he will agree to read books together with you. My first choice for you right now would be His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage. There are several reasons I would choose this one for you. This one we read very soon after Dday at the urging of our counselor. I believe this book did much more for us that the counseling did. It really revolutionized our relationship big time. It will likely only work if he wants to fix things as much as you do. I hope he does. It sounds bad if he says he is only staying for the kids, like he has given up and doesn't want to try anymore. Bad bad bad. That would be why you feel so tired if you are the only one trying and the only one who wants to fix things.
Think about men for a minute. Men want to fix things. If they know how, they will happily do it. If they don't know how or they try and it doesn't work it's intensely frustrating for them and they are likely to just shut down and / or walk away from it. It's the fight or flight issue with a twist. Try the fight first and if that doesn't work flight is always an option. It may be that when the fixing wasn't working to his satisfaction, he started looking for escape.
Those are just some thoughts I have on this. What y'all are currently doing isn't working so you gotta go a different direction until you find something that works. It seems to me that the status quo right now is an unacceptable way to live.