I may be in the minority here, but I strongly disagree with the sentiment that you should confess just to clear your own conscience. People like us do things for varied reasons, but since we took that risk I believe it is our "cross" to bear. Why subject our spouse to such torture if it is not necessary?

Since you want to stop but can't .. Are you trying to find someone to make you stop. Many CS will continue even after Dday, you need to stop, don't put it on your H to make you. You need to do this for yourself, then if you feel it's necessary then confess.

From the male perspective: I confessed to my wife after 8 years of misbehavior (no emotional attachments). For some reason, I was under the impression that our marriage "mattered more than whatever happened" (her words); 98 days later, our marriage is headed to the black hole of divorce. I don't think I made anything better by confessing, and can't say it's necessarily the best answer.

On the other hand, a marriage without authenticity can never be fully complete. I hold to the hope that a complete marriage is greater than the sum of a partial marriage + affairs.

I dunno; tough call. Best of luck

You confess to H. He blows up, calls the house of your AP. Tells him.. And his W that he knows and wants some answers! His W or GF calls your employer and neighbors.. She starts digging and finds more evidence that you were not the only one and post all this all over FB .. You read all that and it cuts through you like a knife. Possible scenarios..

About this "powerless to him and the A" I think you are obsessing over what you perceive as fact but it really is not. Do understand that is normal that you feel this way. You see nothing but wolves around you. But in fact they are only coyotes. In short, after the pressure of my double life got the best of me I had to tell my W something as to why I was leaving. In the end she got from me that another was involved. Although I really had no intention of a future with OW. In hindsight I wish I had better prepared myself for confronting myself. So that is what I am asking you to consider. You brought yourself into the mess you are in. First, try with all your heart, soul and strength to keep your break up with OM between yourselves. You will need to commit to it and tell him you need the respect he has for you to see NC through.

Read some of my journals.. It's not pretty. But you need to gather strength and determination. You have been in this a year. I know it's hard to see now but you can get over him. Some of us had to break off a 5 or 6 year A
and then kick ourselves for not looking for and finding help like is here.

I just joined this group today. Specifically because of this post. It seems like you are telling MY story here. I have been struggling with the whole confession thing as well although my mind tells me that a confession has no positive benefits. That double life thing fits me exactly. Before today, the ONLY person that I could talk to about it is the one I'm having the affair with. His advice's are only to HIS benefit though. I am glad to find this group. It feels good to talk to someone who's been there. Even if it IS a stranger behind a computer screen. My advice to you... Don't confess.

Thank you everyone. I think I'm reaching a turning point. Although I did think that once before... A few months ago, before the affair started back up again. Reading your responses is definitely helping.

IMHO, confession should not happen unless it will be of benefit to the relationship. Sometimes it is beneficial to confess, as some BS find it easier to trust a CS who confesses rather than if they find out another way. Do you think that if you end things with the OM and cut off communication with him, i.e. block him, go NC, that he will not tell your H? That is a serious question to ponder--if your H finds out about the A from any other source than you, it could do irreparable damage.

Where I do not think it is good to tell the BS about an affair is if it is years later and the A is ended and has been ended for a long time, and the CS has been faithful and not gone down the road to cheating again. In this case, I think leaving the past in the past is for the best--especially if there is no chance of being found out.

No....No and No!!! OH, Hell no! But you already knew that didn't you?