please just shoot me in the head and get me out of my emotional torture from myself and others- i've stopped eating today, i can't sleep cause i have nightmares... i want to just dissapear......

does anyone else feel this bad about cheating? i feel like i should be wearing a shirt that says- I CHEATED! ..... i don't want anyone to look at me and say i'm a good person or that i'm special in anyway- i feel like a big failure .... i have no heart or spirit and i want to keep my heart closed off forever from all men- i just can't trust anyone now....

Hey-

I struggle all day, every day w/shame and guilt and remorse. I can't bear to be around my family and friends, esp. my H. I feel worthless.

All we can do is make a decision to live the rest of our lives honestly and authentically and appropriately. We can't rewrite history, but we can make good choices now and in the future.

I'm not surprised that your trust in others is shot--I'd be surprised if it wasn't.

All we can do is take it one day at a time.

(((HUGS))) from Chicago.

Abbey

This was sent to me, and I had to stop and really take it in. I had to read it about 4-5 times and I plan to read it again and again. I have to read it that many times to get it to sink in.

I don't share the exact story as you, and Im not at the same emotional state you are, but the one thing I do understand is the PAIN, the broken heart, the hurt, and the wanting to run away. But, running away is temporary, you still come back to what you left. I was ok before my OM so reality tells me that I will be ok without him now. The choice is do I want to be ok without him. In my case, I have to be without him right now. He isn't leaving his wife and I had no intention of leaving my H. A reality we lost sight of during the affair. I can't change what happened, I can only move forward, because backward is self destructive. The notes that are attached talk about getting over the past. We all have things from our past that hurt, how we deal with that hurt may have something to do with the PAIN and hurt we are experiencing right now in this present situations. Or it might not, but I believe in the words that follow....


What does it REALLY mean to
get over the past?

You can't change what happened. There's no time
machine that can send you back to relive the
past. What's done is done.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that your
situation is hopeless. What I'm saying is that
you first have to be clear about what you can and
cannot change. You CAN get over your past (as
I'll explain). But you canNOT change events that
already occurred.

you don't have to change the past in order to get
over it. What you have to change is the MEANING

Was there ever
a time in your life when something horrible
happened and you thought, "Why is this happening
to me?" But then a few years later you looked
back and you could answer that question. In
retrospect, you understood why it happened. At
first, it seemed like the world was caving in.
Later, it all made sense.

In fact, very often, we eventually realize that
bad times are part of a process that leads to
something good!

it's your future
that determines your past; not the other way
around. And since YOU are in charge of your
future, then YOU determine the meaning of your
past.

It's interesting to think about this in the
context of an age-old question: Do we have free
choice or is everything predetermined? The answer
is YES. Everything is predetermined AND we have
free choice.

It's like when you play a card game. You get
dealt a hand. And you have no control over the
cards you get dealt. It's predetermined.

But you also get to play that hand. You also have
free choice.

Ultimately, it's the COMBINATION of the hand
you're dealt and the way you play it that
determines the outcome. And it's the outcome that
shapes your view of the original hand you were
dealt.

Deal yourself a new hand when the time is right. I can't deal mine yet, its all to fresh and hurts and will take time to get a real hold of. But I know that when I can I need to go foward not back. I know that in the past few months I have had to of moved forward some, very little, but forward...I too have trouble eating, sleeping etc...and there are days I want to disappear...I cried so much I was dehydrated and hurt all over. It is a form of self torture and will take time to get past....be patient with yourself, give yourself some time. Dig deep, we all make mistakes I wish you well

listen to what SusanLMD has written. She is right on, with her comments. The past has passed. Let go of it and realize that letting go doesn't mean to stop caring about what you did, but it permits you to learn from your mistakes and become a stronger, better person for the future. To let go is not to minimize or deny what you did, but to grow and live for the future. To let go allows you to accept your part and to forgive the OM who deceived you by not letting you know he was married. You are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. The mistakes you make now are all a process of life and living and learning. It's how you react and what you learn from those mistakes that will make you a happier person. Please don't allow your mistakes to take away from you the wonderful person you are/can be. Remind yourself, everyday, a good thing about yourself, a positive part you play in someone elses life and make that your focus. Try it...okay?

thank you all for the support and the words- gonna take a long time for me to see anything good about me- i see a horrible monster in the mirror... u just don't know what it was like to stand before this woman who had tears in her eyes and feel like - i'm the reason she is crying- that hurt so bad- i felt like less than nothing- still do.... right now though i don't mean to - i'm pushing away anyone who is trying to have any kind of romantic relationship with me because i'm so afraid- afraid to trust- afraid to put my heart out there again... just plain afraid... i don't have a heart right now- it feels like the place where my heart should be - there is a black hole... and i caused it- i fell in love with someone who's heart was already taken... i believed in him and stood by his side- heck i sang "I'll stand by you" to this fool who played me for all it was worth/ of course u would know so did she..... the only good thing i find about this situation is that neither she or i have kids to be dragged into this situation ... they both thank me for saving their marriage- can u believe that? what is that supposed to make me feel better or less at fault? cause it doesn't... just makes me feel worse in a way- wow i cheated with ur hubby and this saved ur marriage- i mean come on now?! am i the only one confused by this?... sorry i tend to babble on and on but talking about it is like a form of therapy for me......

I'm sorry for all your pain. You don't deserve to be lonely forever. God forgives our sins, all of them. You have to forgive yourself & learn to love yourself. What you (and I)did was wrong, we have to learn from our mistakes.

I can understand your comment about how your OM's marriage is better. When an affair happens, it's because something is wrong with the marriage. Hopefully they got out in the open what the problem was and are able to work on it. I've heard several people say their marriages are stronger after the affair than before. I think it makes sense. (((HUGS)))

First of all , you are not a monster. You have the ability to love . If you keep telling yourself that ,you are already being punished enough. The mind prison that you are creating is not only destructive for you but those who want to love you as well. Anything you feel inside you are transmitting out and that will only create more misery for you and those who you are trying to serve. Everyone makes mistakes some bigger then others . Your only punishment should be to not make the same mistake. He tricked you and in return you gave him your love. he is the monster in this situation. You can turn this around and make it less painful for everyone especially for you. NOTHING is ever worth giving up on loving or being loved ,NOTHING. Stop making choices that keep you in that mind prison. Stop where you are at and say, how can I fix this. You only can make that switch. This world does not need anymore people that keep making the wrong choices based on one bad mistake. You know you are not bad because you are still searching for someone or something to remind you how good you truly are. Base it on choices , will this choice lead you to good results or will it just feed into the I am monster thinking? Good luck here for you.

We cannot take upon ourselves someone elses choice to lie. The OM chose to decieve you, yes you fell hard, got hurt and are feeling an enormous amount of pain right now. That is a rection that is expected. You are normal, and not a monster at all...you are coping and you are hear searching for some enlightenment...that is progress. TIME is what it takes to start to heal and for the pain to start to go away....be patient.
I have stood face to face with my OM's wife, and she has cried and she has said things to make me feel terrible. I have spoke to her o the phone and received emails too from her that have been her outlet into letting me know what she things....but I understood it as "It's easier to hate the OM OR OW than it is to hate your cheating spouse. It didn't change how I felt about myself...I know I made a wrong choice, I broke the rules....now I have to dig a find out why. For you he broke the rules, and now you feel you are suffering for it...its true your heart is suffering, but you cannot be held accountable for him being married when you didn't know. Keep posting, its good for the soul.