i had an on again off again affair for a year with a married man- he first represented himself as divorced and lonely and so i of course stupidly believed it until one morning at 3 am i was awaken with a phone call from his wife! i was completely head over heels for this man... so we continued the affair and she knew about it and about me- we eventually ended up meeting when i helped her move her stuff back in and she helped me move out- he kept us both hanging on for this year... we were both stupid enough to take him back every friggin time... when we saw each other did we fight? no , we ran to each other- hugged and told each other that it was ok and smiled ... she kept telling me not to be nervous in her presence- i was so dumbfounded standing there next to her - i looked like shrek and here she is a chubby version of Faith Hill - he kept telling her he loved me and was gonna leave her and get a divorce and they were seperated...finally she got sick of it this last time and had him arrested on false domestic battery charges- which she called me and fully admitted to and told the judge as well... i like a fool stood by his side through all of this and that saying comes to mind- when u play with fire- u get burned- and i have to face those ashes in the mirror everyday- i feel like a horrible person- i fully blame myself for not stopping this and for loving him- and everyone seems to think i don't see myself as horrible- well i want u all to know - i do- i see a monster in the mirror- so stop thinking i don't! i don't want forgiveness from anyone not even god ........ but i am a human being and i have feelings too- so i'm sorry - yes i am hurt in this- yes i have a broken heart and i have to relive that song - "Stay " by sugarland everyday of my life and live with my regrets! so i've closed off my heart and i push everyone away who tries to get close- cause i can't trust any man anymore when they say they are single- he wasn't wearing a ring/ he called 24-7 / we were always together.... so it appeared that he was.. so not giving my heart away ever again and not gonna love anyone - i deserve to be alone and lonely forever- thats my punishment from god.......
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