Back tracking to this past Thursday. I had received a message from my mother after having a conversation with her. In the message there were screenshots of a bumble account made by my ex fiancé. Well he's single now, why would I care? Because in those screen shots there was a picture of he and I. And his bio reading "looking to connect spiritually and physically" and adds in his bio that he had been "engaged before."

Why would this upset me? Because those were things I gave him for three years. And I come to find out that his bumble account was made three weeks after we had dated. And family and friends were barely being told a week after he made the account that we were broken up. The account was made towards end of April, I find out barely a few days ago. 

So I attempted to call him. No answer. I sent him the screen shots and told him maybe we should talk when we get home. He immediately reads it and then calls me back. I tell him what was sent to me. I told him I was hurt. Then ended the call. 

I went to my local bar that evening, got drunk. Saw a friend with a friend of his own. We all hang out then go to a different bar. To which I receive a text from my ex fiancé, who I still live with, and he says he would like to talk and clear some things up. 

I don't know why I didn't respond, but I was still hurting and stayed out. I did not want to return to the house. My friend who was DD offered me to stay in the guest room of the house he was staying in. I take him up on it. I slept and woke up and I went to work. 

While I was at work I felt guilty for not texting back my ex fiancé, he had hoped I was safe and okay, but I didn't respond. I needed to think and get away for a night. But I should have told him this. 

Friday I got home in the evening and get to the house. I have headphones in and walked in and immediately went to the bedroom. I was ready to speak before I arrived but as soon as I had seen him I wanted to break down and cry. I wanted to yell at him. Why? If were broken up then why would I care about his dating app? Because we still have sex and have started sleeping in the same bed again. Things had actually been going well for the last three weeks or so. I felt hurt and upset because, in my mind, I felt like I was being used. He knows I love him and still wish to be with him, and I had thought that maybe it was more of a game or something. 

I hear him leave around 8:30pm, I looked outside and noticed he had gotten into the car with one of our friends. I do my thing and fall asleep. For some reason at 4 am I was awake. I was laying in bed on my phone and he hadn't come home. My insomnia kicks in and then after a few moments go by I hear the door open. He had come home. He sees im awake and comes in the room. 

I ask him to turn on the light because I wanted to talk to him. Little did I know he was intoxicated. His breath could stop and elephant alone. He insists we also talk. I tried to explain how sad and hurt I felt seeing it. I wanted to tell him that I realized now how hurt he was when he saw the pictures I had sent to other people while I was intoxicated. I understood completely how he felt. The lack of trust, the pain, the unwanted feeling. I wanted to tell him. I tried telling him....

Unfortunately, when I tried the alcohol had loosened his mind. There were many interruptions, a lot of yelling which eventually turned to screaming. I tried to calm myself and him down. Then insult after insult came from each other and now, well, I'm writing this post. 

He has every right to be upset and angry. I didn't tell him where I was, I didn't let him know I was safe and I chose not to respond to him. And I thought about that all of Friday at work. I thought about that and the night prior. There are a lot of hurt feelings here. The part that makes me feel worse is that I chose to try to continue talking to him even though I knew in my heart it wasn't going to go anywhere, but I was trying to get him to listen to my feelings and thoughts. I should have known better because this has happened before with us. I hated how he kept telling me that I need to "think of some good points" while I'm away. Feelings are not points, but he didn't understand that. 

It is now 6:24 am. I'm laying here on the couch after getting him water and putting him in bed. I will wait til tomorrow to speak with him. I need to get away another day, of which he knows. 

Truth be told, I'm afraid to come home. I'm afraid to come back.