And for the record, I think he is right on the money accross the board - Be Blessed.

"Blessed is the hurt spouse whose unfaithful spouse has the courage to confess rather than let them discover it themselves and struggle to find out what happened." This is probably my favorite quote. Thanks yo Cole for writing it and to you for sharing.

Having just joined here and still working through my D-Day ramifications and my feelings for my OM...this made so much sense. I still am in the fog but its thinning. I dont want to hate or feel bitterness towards my AP. but i admittedly have yet to feel that gut wrenching guilt that comes with what i have done. i knowit will come. and i know one day i will be able to fully put my A behind me. in the meantime its a daily struggle for supremacy in my mind between m OM and my hubby. i look at my hubby and i love him like nothing else and dont ever want to lose his love but yet i grieve for the loss of my OM and the friendship/love we shared. this blog post puts a lot of things into perspective and helps me understand...

Really JustDrifting? Do you really mean that you would never ever thing that anyone should tell ever? Don't you think that every situation is unique and that there would be some situations where telling IS the best choice? Absolutes really don't work in a situation like this.

Thanks, all, for the kind words. Glad the article struck a cord with folks.

I know not everyone is in agreement with my stance on telling. But, JustDrifting, an attorney is not in the business of healing and supporting healthy relationships. They are working for the one who's paying them to minimize the legal consequences of their actions, or prove their innocence if not guilty. But that has little to do with healing *both* parties from deception which poisons their relationship, whether the BS knows or doesn't.

Viewing this from a legal, court, punishment mindset is detrimental to the marriage. Viewing it instead as a wound that if not admitted to and brought to light, will not get healed, as painful as that healing process might be, cast this in an accurate analogy. It is necessary to face the wound and begin to clean it out so it can heal.

I'm speaking in general, based not only on mine and Gabi's experience, but many others. But there may be situations in which it is not best to tell. Like if married to an abuser. Not because his abuse was a valid excuse to cheat, but revealing that might lead to some serious injury and/or greater emotional manipulation and abuse than it would have otherwise, and in my book at least, that is a more damaging issue that should be dealt with first. It is up to the reader to apply it to their situation.

But the bottom line for me is it is the deception of the affair(s) that not only does major damage to the marriage, but if continued after the affair(s) are over, continues to hurt both spouses and the relationship. The admit-to-nothing mindset, even when caught with the goods, is a recipe for how to kill your marriage. A healthy marriage is a transparent one.

Some might disagree, and I'm fine with that. I expect it. But this has nothing to do with punishment and everything to do with healing. If you disagree, it should be because you don't think it is beneficial for both spouses and the marriage. Not to avoid punishment, real or perceived.

But also, thanks for the kind words. I'm glad differences of opinions don't mean we can't respect each other as people. But I still believe such deception is hurtful and destructive for both spouses, and the only effective way to stop the destruction is to admit to and bring the wound to light...so it can be cleaned (a painful process, btw), bandaged, and begin healing. Not an easier path, but in the long run, less painful and destructive than continuing the deception.

IOW, as a BS who went through the pain many of you are seeking to spare your BS from, I'm so thankful I found out. So thankful I took the red pill and not the blue one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zE7PKRjrid4

JustDrifting, I admitted to cheating without getting caught (but I wasn't married). Ignorance can be bliss, but I just felt so wrong keeping my ex in the dark. I was not compelled by any sky gods or anything. No one but me, my best friend, and my AP knew of the affair. My ex was completely caught off guard. I don't know how our life would have turned out if I never told. But I had several reasons for coming out to him and though we are both suffering from pain and depression, the pain will not last forever. I was the cheater, but I too wanted a relationship built on honesty and trust. It's just easier to be intimate with someone without carrying all that baggage. I didn't want to live a pretend life.

And then what if an STD or pregnancy comes out of it, you're still not going to come clean? Yet, there are many out there giving their spouses STDs and keeping outside kids hidden. I just think that's trifling. If you have sex out of the affair, you should definitely tell. Don't put your partner at risk because you think you could never catch a disease.

I think you are correct, JustDrifting, that by far the majority of CSs are not going to confess. I see it from time to time on this forum and even on Infidelity that a CS does tell. But by far the majority don't, and have to get caught for it to come out.

Of course that doesn't change the reality of why telling is better. I suppose if CSs knew beyond a shadow of a doubt they'd get caught, you'd see more confessions to minimize the fall out.

And that is why those who do tell are in the minority. One, most of us focus on our own interest rather than what is best for our spouse. Confessing is hard. As you note, outing ourselves goes against our own self-interest, at least in the short term. It painful to face head on the consequences of what you've done. Not to mention the possible end of the relationship, should it end up in that direction.

Two, like I said in my article, with the reality of the above, combine that with the fog thinking, you're mind will come up with all sorts of what sounds like logical reasons at the time not to tell. Logical reasons like I've stated in the article and here are going to be rejected because it doesn't fit into the narrative the fog thinking has developed to allow what's happened to happen.

So while the reasons often given here for not telling probably sound logical and justified to the CS, to the BS, in general, they sound like justifications to avoid facing up to what you did and take responsibility to repair the damage it caused, and the continued deception is an extension of the affair, even if the affair itself is over. To put it into terms often used here, there is never closure. No resolution. And the BS is unknowingly living a lie in regards to the relationship. That can never be a basis for a healthy and vibrant relationship and marriage, and if kept hidden in the dark, will never be resolved.

So, yes, you are right. Most CSs are not going to tell, because it is hard and difficult to do, and they can always come up with good sounding reasons why not to. That doesn't mean that telling isn't the route to resolve the damage of the affair, even for the unknowing BS, and establish a healthy relationship. Each CS has to come to their decision based upon their circumstances and where the relationship is at, and what they want for the future, but be aware of the tendency for the foggy thinking to linger in that decision making process, even after the affair is long over.

I should add, I'm not an easily angered person. I'm pretty laid back, and even in discovering the affair, as much as it hurt me, I never yelled, threw anything, or intentionally "punished" Gabi through hurting her. She had enough hurt to deal with from the consequences, I knew I didn't need to pile on more myself. I forgave her on dday and have stuck to that, though I'm sure to some dealing with the consequences at times appeared like I might have been intending to hurt her.

But there was one thing I did get visibly angry about. Nothing violent or such, but it made her cry, and I felt it was good she did because to me it was something she should be very sorry about.

I told her in a very angry and stern tone, "Don't ever, ever, put my health at risk again without my knowledge! If you're going to risk your own health by playing Russian Roulette with STDs and AIDS, refuse to have sex with me." That just seemed the most unloving thing a person could do, to potentially condemn not only themselves knowingly to death, but their spouse unknowingly. Just imagine waking up one morning to discover you've got HIV because, unknown to you, your spouse has been playing the field but continuing to have sex with you.

Anyway, these are decisions that are affecting the life of your spouse, all without their knowledge or input. Please keep that in mind and protect them. Consequences have a nasty way of surfacing, despite best efforts to avoid them.

Cole50, thank you for your post and to GaC for sharing it. I'm new to this board and apppreciate and respect your point of view.

JustDrfiting, in your post was "...why not just tell them before it happens? I'm never going to say honesty is not the best policy..." I believe you meant telling about the affair before it happens. The latter words about honesty was exactly what I wrote in one of my few posts, that's quite a coincidence. I tried to do that and it backfired; my H thought I was only admitting to a lesser charge, so to speak. I was telling the truth but it didn't matter. I ended up doing the time but not the crime. My point being that it all really depends on your spouse/SO.