Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I married 14.5 years ago at age 20. Our relationship was good, but we did fight a lot and didn't have sex very often right from the start. I used to think my husband was gay, because he never wanted to have sex with me. He wouldn't talk about it either. I had a temper; we both contributed to our problems.
For the first 12 years my husband was involved in three emotional affairs, that had at least some physical contact, but I'm still unsure how far. I begged for marriage counseling upon finding out each time, but was always refused. There was a lot of lying and accusing involved, both terrible for a relationship.
At year 12 he told me he didn't love me and never had. It was devastating for me. I fell into a deep depression. I went to marriage counseling, by myself. I did everything I learned in counseling to try and improve things. I really feel I was an almost perfect spouse for a year or so. Things did improve, a bit.
Then he lost his job as the woman he had been involved with complained of harassment, and this is how I found out about the extent of the third "emotional" A.(not sure what really happened) I was so depressed and lonely.
He was sorry now and wanted to work on things, but still refused counseling. He said he would read a marriage book, but after a few chapters he would complain and I stopped asking. Slowly his attitude of trying fizzled out. I was so disappointed and sad.
Feeling hopeless and lonely I did a google search "married but lonely" hoping to find a discussion group such as this to find somebody to talk to. Instead it brought up married dating sites. I naively joined Ashley Madison hoping to find someone else, who like me, just wanted to talk. (I know, I was so naive, but i really thought that I could find that)
I met a man who's wife also told him she didn't love him. I didn't think I could cheat, and I told him there would be no sex. But of course, I loved getting his attention feeling desirable. Slowly, over months of emailing and meeting my thinking changed from just wanting a friend to feeling like it was meaningful enough to sleep with him, which he had been asking for. I never saw him again. :(
Hurt, and lonely I returned to Ashley, just looking for a distraction from the first guy; someone to flirt with while I moved on. I was completely blindsided by meeting a newly divorced man that I instantly connected with, in every way. It felt so real. We seemed to be in complete sync. He hinted at me leaving my family for him. We were very passionate and affectionate. I think I fell in love with him and thought he loved me too. We would talk, text or email frequently every day for two months, plus slept together. Then just like that he ended it. Saying he couldn't do the secret thing.
I understand him and want to respect him. (Although I ma having trouble saying goodbye) But now what? I can't tell if I feel guilty to my husband. I am so sad and mourning the loss of what I thought was love. I haven't felt loved by a man before this, but this was an affair, and so it was wrong. Funny how right and real it felt though. And even though it was not a "real" relationship or a healthy one, the feelings were real. And so are the feelings of despair I am left with.
so to who ever made this group: THANK YOU.
I felt so lonely and unloved in my marriage. That doesn't make the choices i made right, but it is what I did. Now I have to live with it. and I have to alone, because the CS has no one to talk to and no one to understand that they have pain too.
My second affair seemed perfect. How can we be fooled so completely?
Even if my husband has the ability to love me the way I want/need to be loved, after the affair, his love seems flat. It's like going back to apple juice after sipping champagne. All the consequences of my choices that I now have to live with.
New friends:
How have you proceeded after your affairs have ended? Should I try again? Should I turn to my husband again? Should I tell him? Should I just try go it alone and lonely.
One thing I know, I need to learn to love myself. I don't at all.:(
For the first 12 years my husband was involved in three emotional affairs, that had at least some physical contact, but I'm still unsure how far. I begged for marriage counseling upon finding out each time, but was always refused. There was a lot of lying and accusing involved, both terrible for a relationship.
At year 12 he told me he didn't love me and never had. It was devastating for me. I fell into a deep depression. I went to marriage counseling, by myself. I did everything I learned in counseling to try and improve things. I really feel I was an almost perfect spouse for a year or so. Things did improve, a bit.
Then he lost his job as the woman he had been involved with complained of harassment, and this is how I found out about the extent of the third "emotional" A.(not sure what really happened) I was so depressed and lonely.
He was sorry now and wanted to work on things, but still refused counseling. He said he would read a marriage book, but after a few chapters he would complain and I stopped asking. Slowly his attitude of trying fizzled out. I was so disappointed and sad.
Feeling hopeless and lonely I did a google search "married but lonely" hoping to find a discussion group such as this to find somebody to talk to. Instead it brought up married dating sites. I naively joined Ashley Madison hoping to find someone else, who like me, just wanted to talk. (I know, I was so naive, but i really thought that I could find that)
I met a man who's wife also told him she didn't love him. I didn't think I could cheat, and I told him there would be no sex. But of course, I loved getting his attention feeling desirable. Slowly, over months of emailing and meeting my thinking changed from just wanting a friend to feeling like it was meaningful enough to sleep with him, which he had been asking for. I never saw him again. :(
Hurt, and lonely I returned to Ashley, just looking for a distraction from the first guy; someone to flirt with while I moved on. I was completely blindsided by meeting a newly divorced man that I instantly connected with, in every way. It felt so real. We seemed to be in complete sync. He hinted at me leaving my family for him. We were very passionate and affectionate. I think I fell in love with him and thought he loved me too. We would talk, text or email frequently every day for two months, plus slept together. Then just like that he ended it. Saying he couldn't do the secret thing.
I understand him and want to respect him. (Although I ma having trouble saying goodbye) But now what? I can't tell if I feel guilty to my husband. I am so sad and mourning the loss of what I thought was love. I haven't felt loved by a man before this, but this was an affair, and so it was wrong. Funny how right and real it felt though. And even though it was not a "real" relationship or a healthy one, the feelings were real. And so are the feelings of despair I am left with.
so to who ever made this group: THANK YOU.
I felt so lonely and unloved in my marriage. That doesn't make the choices i made right, but it is what I did. Now I have to live with it. and I have to alone, because the CS has no one to talk to and no one to understand that they have pain too.
My second affair seemed perfect. How can we be fooled so completely?
Even if my husband has the ability to love me the way I want/need to be loved, after the affair, his love seems flat. It's like going back to apple juice after sipping champagne. All the consequences of my choices that I now have to live with.
New friends:
How have you proceeded after your affairs have ended? Should I try again? Should I turn to my husband again? Should I tell him? Should I just try go it alone and lonely.
One thing I know, I need to learn to love myself. I don't at all.:(
Someone once advised me (on another relationship forum) that I should do something big like packing up my bags and leaving or telling my H about the A to wake him up so to speak. I never packed my bags but I told him I was willing to leave and that I was having an EA. This created massive drama with him being hurt and it's still awkward but my H has made huge improvements on his attentiveness and things I asked for.
This situation sounds so complicated. All I can say is honesty woyld bea good start. Maybe your A's will be a smack and get him motivated to rebuild.
My question is this, if you never had your A's, did you have a plan? I mean a "shape up or ship out" type plan for your cs? Did you have an idea of a breaking point where you would no longer live with somebody who had repeated affairs and you suspected of being gay?
If so, then I would suggest you continue to know your limits. While you did have your own A's ans they need to be dealt with, so do his A's and lack of real effort to rebuild and the sexuality concerns.
Rebuilding is possible but it is very hard work and now your both bs and cs. If you decide to stick it out, I hope your H decides to go to mc
Thanks for reading. You have asked a hard question! The funny thing is, I thought I would have known the answer; however, when I went to respond to you, I didn't know what to write.
Perhaps I have never considered this seriously?!? This must be the first time I have actually had to think about this enough to respond.
1. I'm from a religious background, which really encourages protecting the family. The MC I received was from this point of view, so this must be BIG a factor to my way of thinking.
2. We have 4 children. This is definitely my main reason. I really feel that it would be a selfish thing to put them through a painful divorce, just so I could have a chance for a happier life. I had them , now I should give them the most stable environment I can. A split would be emotionally devastating for them, and would also decrease their lifestyle financially. My H is a good father to them. I have often thought that once they are older I would leave. I never finished my degree because the deal was that I would be a stay at home mom, But a year ago, I returned to school to prepare myself for the time I would feel comfortable to leave.
The first time I caught him in an emotional affair, I was very hurt, but it didn't seem to merit a split. We agreed to work it through, but that soon fizzled. Then when he told me he didn't love me, he said he still made the commitment and would see it through to keep the family together, if I wanted to. I really thought I could change and influence his feelings and actions towards me so I stayed to try. Once all the other garbage came out I really started thinking about it, but felt so trapped because of the kids. Thus, the start of my road to becoming a cheat. :(
Funny thing is, since I started pulling away from H, as you do when you are involved with someone else, H actually reached out for a bit. But when I didn't respond this time, he stopped.
Readers: Is it okay to have found some joy for me, and been able to keep my family intact? Or is it cowardly?
Either way, it has only left me with pain, regret, guilt, and sadness. On the other hand, I was so sad a lonely before as well.
Life is NOT simple or easy. I'm not trying to say what I did was the right choice, but like everyone else, I am just trying to survive this life, making a lot of mistakes along the way.
I am so confused as to what to do, for me, them and him.
No, we have never rebuilt. Or addressed any of the problems really, other than my temper. I still have no idea why he never wanted to have sex with me. I can't think that it was normal for two young married people to only have sex once every few months, despite me being willing and creative to try and get him involved. But he still refuses to talk about it. I often think that if we would have gotten counseling over that first minor A of his so much of this other stuff could have been avoided, but that all seemed to set the rest in motion over then next 7 years. (It was only emailing with an ex, but lasted 7 years and was lying about it to me, not sure if that is minor or not. seems like it now)
I guess I don't know my limits. His first two affairs did not involve sex, just flirting, sexting and some kissing.It was devastating but I felt like I was over reacting in a lot of ways so I just tried to live with it. He was so unwilling for counseling, and promised to stop lying and be better. His third A, I am not sure. He says there was no sex, but I have a few reasons to think there was, but no proof. But does that matter any more? I have now cheated on him, twice and both times it was physical and the 2nd, emotional as well.
Do you think i should come clean? I am struggling with this.
If I want the marriage to work, is telling him even the best thing to do, or is forsaking the cheating and making my marriage as honest as possible from now on best, to avoid hurting him, or risking upsetting the family life??????
AND
Is the marriage even able to heal after years of both of us being horrible??
I am looking for the answers....
If both partners want to rebuild and both are willing to be all in, than any situation no matter how messed up or complicated, can be rebuilt. I just don't think a real rebuild is possible without total honesty. Most bs will Tell you that compete disclosure is the only way to rebuild and most cs will tell you to not tell. You are both a bs and a cs. At the endof the day you have to do what's best for you and your marriage. My marriage is and always will be a work in progress.
Plenty of marriages can survive infidelity without disclosure but from what ive seen those marriages rarely thrive.
By telling, you risk him using that as his exit excuse or as his reality check that he needs to do something more to fix the marriage.
Im advising to tell because that's what saved my marriage. I was ready for divorce when myH finally confessed.
I hour toy find the answers that work for you.