Yes, Yes, Yes I feel your pain, this is exactly how I felt so many times. But it does get better, but it is hell. Nothing ever stays one way forever. What you are feeling is normal remorse, and I am not trying to make lite of your feelings or trivialize them in any way, but what you are going through is normal. One of the biggest disappointments I had to deal with is the disappointment I had in myself, but of course you combine that with the stress of a trust that has been breached, and the PTSD feelings that your spouse is experiencing and yes, it just plane hurts like hell. Add to that you feel like you should hurt, that you deserve to hurt for all that you have done and it can get even worse. But there is some self-care that you must do. You really need to go to your primary physician and get checked out. You may have to go on medication; there is no crime in that, in fact I don’t think there are many people in this forum that did not have to take some sort of medication at some point. If you haven’t gotten individual counseling and marriage counseling you really need to do so. You don’t have to suffer alone, and you owe it to yourself to get as much help as you can. You have to be able to function for yourself and your family. There is a lot of support on this site; I would suggest that you make friends and journal often. You have to vent and get it out, and this is a safe place to do so. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I wish you peace, and as always be blessed.
GaC

You should try MC if you haven't already. He has plenty of reason to be angry and upset, but it is not healthy for your relationship if he can not (or does not) want to find true forgiveness. I find it helpful to understand the true meaning of forgiveness, not sure if there is a good way to share this with him -- perhaps in counseling?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness

He also has to understand that the emotional state between you has a direct effect on your children. If he is not willing to make an effort, there is no reason to stay together for the "sake of them". You are right, you both deserve to be happy.

Good luck to you.

You do deserve to be happy binkie! I have realized recently how much more often I feel peaceful and / or happy. There was a time when I never thought I would be happy again. I knew I would, but it was hard to imagine. That being said, I still feel that underlying pain quite a bit and sometimes shame too. I know it's better than it used to be by a long shot. Don't know if it will ever go fully away, but if it doesn't?.....it doesn't. I guess I asked for it.

Could you do me a favor and briefly recap your story and what all you and your H have done since Dday towards recovery?

Thank you all SO much for your replies. I appreciate you all so very much! I really do!
Gabrielle - I had an affair with a married man, we were best friends via BBM (mobile chatting). I was in a bad place after two miscarriages (last one I lost an ovarian tube), husband lost his job, his mother passed away a few months before that. We moved to a new state and I was on my own with no support to help me thru the grieving process and of course he was in a bad place after what was happening in his life. I was SO alone and extremely vulnerable (please I am NOT excusing what I did, just explaining background). Straight after the second miscarriage I threw myself into photography, I remember cutting the hospital band off my wrist while talking on the phone, arranging to host a week course for 15 people. In that time I met a young man, we worked very closely together and soon after that we kissed. I am greatful to say nothing else happened. We ended the "friendship" and he moved out of the country. I broke ALL contact with him. Via Photography I met the AP. We became friends and talked a lot on BBM. Things were strenous at home and it was great to talk to someone... (nope, no excuse). The friendship escelated into a physical relationship. I am embarresed to say that the affair started while I was pregnant with my husbands child. One night my husband checked my phone, found the messages on my phone and it broke his heart. I admitted to everything. Answered every question. Broke all contact with AP. I've been begging, pleading for 10 months. I've really tried everything... When the Affair started I really had trouble ending it, I realized I was struggling on doing it on my own and started seeing a psychologist to help me with the process of ending the affair. Since Dday my husband has seen her twice but because she is "my" psychologist it is better that we see someone else. we went to go see a man counsellor but he was terrible! We then went for two sessions with someone else but my husband feels that we can only continue with therapy if I start doing the things he asked for at our second session.

I am so deeply sorry for what I did. I know this will haunt me for the rest of my life (and my husbands too). What I did was wrong. I betrayed my husband, my children, my parents, myself and my God. I am deeply embarresed and ashamed. Now that I am out of the "fog" I can't believe I did that! I hold onto the words "this does NOT define me".

I am taking 100 mg Zodil, Urbanol and lately I've been "washing" it down with a glass of wine or two. I just want to feel nothing. I really can't take much of this any longer, I NEED to move on. His grieving process has such an impact on the rest of us, he really can't get over this. He has no interest in work, plays a lot of games, he is distant, depressed, sleeps at day and stay up at night. He does not want to take any antidepressants.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Just a question... Why don't you do the things he asks you to do? Seems like this is something that should be high on your list. Unless it is damaging to you.

Thank you FST86411, I will give more attention to that. :)

Okay, well, whatever it is he asked of you, is it something that will be very hard for you to do? do you think you would be able? It sounds like this may be a key issue for him.

You said:
"I am so deeply sorry for what I did. I know this will haunt me for the rest of my life (and my husbands too). What I did was wrong. I betrayed my husband, my children, my parents, myself and my God. I am deeply embarresed and ashamed. Now that I am out of the "fog" I can't believe I did that!"

I am with you on that entire statement. Interestingly enough, I had a very similar progression to you with my first OM being the one I got deeply into the fog with but never had a full PA with him and shortly after he moved away, along came second OM which did turn into a full PA. I really think it's because with the first AP, we fight so hard not to break those barriers and we fight so hard, but the barriers just get worn down and weak from the constant assault so when the next one comes along we just don't have much resistance left plus we are still fully in the fog from the first one. IDK, I just had no strength left to fight it nor did I want to. I was tired of fighting it by that point and my rationalizations were getting stronger too.

Anyway, What books have you read as part of your recovery?