Cheaters and Betrayeds Helping Each Other Community Group
This is a group where cheaters and betrayeds can come to try to help each other better understand infidelity from the perspective of the other side because understanding can often lead to healing. Members can ask each other questions, share experiences, and provide insights and opinions without judgments or animosity. If you have a chip on your shoulder, an axe to grind,...
Just a question. I suppose the common scenario is that the cheater treats us with disrespect, doesn't come home when he/she should, risks exposing us to disease, spends needed money on the other person, but what about the spouse who truly loves us, who cares about our feelings and does everything possible to avoid hurting us? Is there such a spouse? Is our hangup caused by an old-fashioned view of sex or of marriage? We can say we're "betrayed" but why do we care more than if it's an innocent office flirtation? I know many people live in "open" marriages where they make no effort to hide their escapades from each other. Those people have not chosen to equate sex with the very basis of their marriages. Are those people freaks? And were we married because of sex or because of love? Why do we care?
A spouse who does everything to avoid hurting us does not cheat. Pure and simple. There is no way they do not know the hurt it will cause before or when they are doing it. Otherwise, they wouldn't lie and hide it from us.
"Is there such a spouse?"
Sure, I believe they exist. It's just not the spouses that cheat.
"Is our hangup caused by an old-fashioned view of sex or of marriage?"
What's wrong with an old-fashioned view of sex or marriage? People always use that term in a negative way, as if it's something bad. Apparently, our more current views of sex and marriage are what's getting us into trouble. But most people still get married quite simply because they want to be with the other person ONLY for the rest of their lives. They recite vows promising to be faithful to that one person no matter what. Sure, there may be those with some other idea of marriage when they say "I do", but not the majority. So the only "hangup" is that we expect that commitment we entered into knowingly and willingly to be honored.
"We can say we're "betrayed" but why do we care more than if it's an innocent office flirtation?"
No flirtation is really innocent, IMO. It's inappropriate if you are married and is one of the major ways affairs happen. Why do we care more? Um, because the bond we created with this person and them with us, the promises and vows we made, are completely violated and broken. Lies are the foundation of what the cheater did. The trust is GONE. Feelings of security, love, faith in your spouse, self-esteem....all go right in the toilet. An office flirtation, particularly if confessed immediately, doesn't do all of those things. We can understand being attracted to others. It happens to all of us. Telling your spouse eliminates the lies and secrecy that characterize an affair or lay the groundwork for one to occur.
"I know many people live in "open" marriages where they make no effort to hide their escapades from each other. Those people have not chosen to equate sex with the very basis of their marriages. Are those people freaks?"
I wouldn't call them freaks, I would just say I strongly disagree with their choice. But if this is the way they choose to live and both partners are okay with that, then I guess that's their bag. I don't really know what that has to do with those of us who are not in those kinds of "arrangements" and have been betrayed by our spouse. Most affairs do not occur without some level of emotional involvement anyway. Betrayed spouses do not care because sex is the very basis of their marriage, but in part, because the exclusivity of their sexual relationship is part of what defines them as a married couple and separates them from everyone else.
"And were we married because of sex or because of love?"
I guess that's kind of an individual thing, as I'm sure there are probably some people out there who married because of sex. I don't think that's healthy, though. I think you have to have love first, defined by true emotional intimacy, because without that, sex doesn't really mean anything outside of physical pleasure.
Dan, you asked "what about the spouse who loves us and does everything to avoid hurting us", that person wouldn't have an affair.
A selfish immature person has an affair. My H said he was very selfish, thinking only of his needs at the time. That has been very hard for me to process in my mind, how a man who claims to love me sooo much, can lie and cheat to satisfy his ego. I know H does love me, but it is hard to realize that I am married to such a weak individual.