Cheaters and Betrayeds Helping Each Other Community Group
This is a group where cheaters and betrayeds can come to try to help each other better understand infidelity from the perspective of the other side because understanding can often lead to healing. Members can ask each other questions, share experiences, and provide insights and opinions without judgments or animosity. If you have a chip on your shoulder, an axe to grind,...
So my husband and I have been married for eight years, together for 12. All in all, I have to admit hes always been emotionally unavailable. He can be self righteous, moody when hes stressed from work or losing a ball game. When hes upset he closes up, recluses and you dont know what hes thinking. When we have had arguments, he has shut me out, and been insensitive to my feelings, blaming me for all the issues in the relationship. The straw which broke the camels back was when he told me If I didnt like it, leave. Wow I was so hurt. How can someone be so selfish I thought. So.. I started looking for houses and told him I think we should separate. He was responsive according to my wishes, did not fight for us at all, in fact he was very aloof about the whole thing, which angered me and made me feel even more non important to him! In the meantime I met someone who actually paid attention to me (maybe too much), cared for me and listened to what I have to say. This guy is a little more assertive so unfortunately I got suckered into his affection, attention etc, and was very vulnerable when I met him : ( For six months I was really thinking my husband and I were done so I figured what difference does it make if I like or see someone else. I told the other guy no sex, he has respected that.. two months ago after sending my husband a for sure, house listing he says he wants to work on things?? This is the same person who has pushed me away for years, we have been in separate bedrooms for over two years, was not supportive of me emotionally in various situations and now has a revelation?? My response to him was that I wasnt sure.. I had felt so rejected and pushed away from him and I wasnt sure what I wanted . .. I honestly havent felt close to him in years based upon his behavior, I wish so much I felt differently. Now I am stricken with all of this guilt for meeting this other man. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like Ive hurt my husband and this other man based on my selfish need for emotional connection. Im worried I will never be able to work things out with him because of being with someone else... it makes me sick : ( Thanks for listening ..
I am trying to make sense of your guilt.
You didn't really answer.
You mention in your thread that you told her husband you were moving out. When did this happen in conjunction with the other guy?
Did meeting the other guy give you the impetus to tell him you wanted out, or did you do that first?
Was it an exit affair or did it happen after you started to move away?
Either way, you husband has checked out of the marriage long ago. Ditch the guilt. Guilt doesn't help people grow and advance. Instead of guild, feel grief over what could have been, and sadness for a marriage lost, as this pain will keep you growing versus staying stuck.
Keep on the path of moving out and separating. Tell your husband that separating from him means you will be pursuing other interests. If he ask you if that means you have already, say since you declared your moving out it is not his business now or tomorrow what your doing. He lost that privilege to know when he checked out on you.
Tell him he is late to the fixing the marriage game. However, if it wants to be one of the interests you pursue after you leave, he can work on himself, go to a counselor and figure out why he checked out on the marriage and get his crap straight, and then pursue and court you like any red blooded male who thinks he is worthy of a shot at dating you.
His reaction will tell you if this is just a reflex to his life changing, or a true awakening on his part. Sometimes people just think they want what they can't have. Maybe he never believed you would have the strength to leave. Now, he wants to keep you. Often, though, once back they change back. Go reand Fried Green Tomatoes. Towanda Jenns, Towonda! (if that does not make sense, watch the movie).
Download Stevie Nicks Landslide (or is you prefer country get the dixie chicks version, or if you prefer alternative get the Smashing Pumpkins version) and listen to is often and soak it in.
Don't be afraid to change!