In my case, I don't think my OW started off like a predator--but I do think that as the relationship with my H grew into something beyond friendship, she did take on predatory charactoristics. Do I think that all OW and OM are this way? No. I have been on the other side too. I hooked up with a MM, that I didn't know was married at first. I was a lonely single parent and he was the predetor--he wouldn't leave me the freak alone. He was in an unhappy marriage, I guess. When I did TRY to break things off with him, he was resistant. He wouldn't take NO for an answer. He tried to use the "friend" card, and it worked for a couple of weeks, because I hated to just be down right mean to him. So, I'd go to lunch with him, all the while he talked of us getting back together and giving him another chance. I finally had to just be a bitch to him so he would get the picture. He did, and backed off. But, he STILL stops by my work every now and again - "to check on me"

My H knows all about this dude - I told him before we were married - what I had done and also since dday I've told him about OM coming up to my work, because that was really recent - within the last year.

So---I think it can go both ways. The predetor theory. And I think that it may not necessarily start off that way--but it has the potential to develop into that type of a situation. KWIM??

I don't know what I see in the new improved you? I've just met you. It sounds like your hurting and looking for a way out of your M? Or looking for appreciation and attention.

Reading what you've written makes me want to run to my H, tear his clothes off and fuck his brains out--because I would never want him to feel the way you described above.

I do not think that all other OM/OW are predators. I think every situation is unique. In our situation, the OW was definitely a predator and a psycho nutcase. She wanted to take my place in my life and did everything she possibly could to try and accomplish that. She persued my H for six months, knowing he was married and knowing what she was after. She was after my life, which is where his money was. Once she revealed the A to me and realized that we were not splitting, she started trying to destroy him. Ultimately after 4 months of harassment, she managed to get a cash settlement from us arranged by his company who removed him from partnership. In the end, she got what she wanted which was the money. She did not get her role in his life, but she mainly wanted that for the financial security anyway.

I think if you are feeling the need to stray in your marriage, you need to speak to your wife. She deserves that. Just as lovemarriage said, this makes those of us that have been BS want to rip off our H clothes and make sure that he never feels the way that you are describing. Had I ever known the way my H was feeling before the A, I would have made sure to modify my actions. He did not communicate with me; therefore, I had no clue and he allowed a nutcase into our lives that ultimately destroyed him on EVERY level.

Yup - same thing with my OW. She was really trying to destroy H. She attempted several times in other ways indirectly related to me - in order to fuck with him. When none of that worked - she started in on me. So, she probably wasn't out to hurt me, per say, she was just looking for a way to hurt H. But still, I'd bet money that she had a desire to hurt me too, just because I had what she wanted.

Please don't use your childhood as an excuse to define the present or the future. Many of us were mistreated in childhood, some very seriously. But as you said , you have been in counceling and have had the opportunity to learn from your childhood, not repeat it or use it as an excuse to make hurtful choices that involve a person you made vows to and should love.

I am surprised that your councelor didn't talk with you about why your wife isn't very interested in sex with you. Many times it is that her emotional needs , especially for intimacy are not being met. She could also be going thru a
hormone inbalance. Most often it is that you are not meeting her needs in some way and need to be her partner and discuss this with her.

You owe your wife that before you "actively seek " and act on it, because once you have done the damage it can NEVER be taken back and if you truly love your wife , you would never inflict this horrible pain on her.

It also is amazing to me that the cheaters never think what it would be like to be the betrayed spouse before they act, how their lives would be crushed.

Look, if you do not love your wife enough to be honest with her and work on your problems together, then do her a favor and end the marriage first and spare her the pain and let her know you are not honorable enough to keep your vows- remember those?- for better or worse, in sickness and health, forsaking all others until death do us part. It wasn't ( until I decide I'm horney and my wife isn't doing enough for me , so I can lie to her and have the best of both worlds!!) If your D**K is that important to you instead of understanding why your wife isn't all that interested, then leave the security of your marriage the proper way and THEN "be actively looking"! Or is it that you are simply afraid to leave the security of your marriage because you think you are damaged goods and can't imagine why your W loves you and don't think you will ever find another woman who truly will?

As for all these open marriages, please read up on them, for they are not nearly as common as you think or would like to believe. Also note that the divorce rates in these open marriages is even higher that "traditional" marriages that have experienced affairs. That says a lot. Are you really man enough to know your wife could very well enjoy another man much more than she enjoys sex with you? Because when you do the real research, MOST can't and usually one partner isn't willing to give up the buffet, while the other is left all alone.

Just my opinion, but you really need to find a different councelor because this one doesn't seem to have been very effective from what you have written in your posts. It seems you are looking for validation to cheat to lessen the guilt, if you have any. Get you and your wife into marriage counceling. But if you can't work this out , then do your wife a favor and spare her the pain of lies and betrayal, which is your weakness and should not be her burden to carry with her for the rest of her life.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to do more reading on the other boards also, like the infidelity board, and Know the pain that the betrayed spouse is left with. There is absolutely nothing loving about hurting your spouse in any way!!!!!

threewishes, I so agree with not using our childhood as an excuse. I really have a low tolerance for individuals that do this. Everybody has shit to deal with.

Reading some of this makes me think perhaps you should rename this discussion to "betrayeds whine and vent", but I know that's too strong and is just a reaction to what at first glance feels like personal attacks. I've tried to contribute and some people think they know me pretty well based on the limited information I supplied. I do not resemble your cheating spouse. You probably missed it when I spoke in another thread about my wife's health issues, even though I probably should respect her privacy, about how she's frightened that sex will hurt her, about how I spoke about begging her to put more effort into getting effective treatment and go to counseling or "couples weekends". Our problems have little or nothing to do with me not meeting her needs, but with her health and fears. I don't think you'll find many spouses more caring and attentive that we are. We have a strong bond that has grown deeper over the years and neither of us is going anywhere. I am a massage therapist and the high point of most weeks is giving her a long caring massage. In fact, I'd rather give her or any woman a massage than attempt sex. I'm better at it and there's no stress or guilt.

Dan, then if you actively seeking another relationship is so justified and in your mind completely fair since you have done all the things you believe you should have done, why not tell your wife you are actively seeking an affair? Then atleast she would have a choice in staying with a man that feels that sex with an outside party is an acceptable way to deal with marital issues.

This isnt an attack or a vent, and no you are definitely NOT my CS because what he did, he did from a personal weakness of his own and his own insecurities and he OWNS it. My CS actually recognized the pain he caused by making such a selfish choice. I would imagine there are things in your marriage that your wife could list about you that she is less than thrilled about. We all can since it is always a two sided story. Is she also actively seeking another man to satisfy whatever need you arent meeting for her and trust me, there are some?

I am not trying to attack you. One of the reasons I chose to stay in my marriage after I found out my husband had slept with an OW was because I listened to the circumstances and we discussed what had happened before and during and understood that I am not perfect and could have found myself in the same situation. I dont think I would cheat, but I cant say NEVER because that isnt a sure thing. But what I can tell you is he certainly didnt premeditate going out and cheating on me and that is basically what you are doing. That is so wrong in so many ways since you have read these boards and have actually seen the posts from people that are devastated by this, yet you actually are planning on cheating...since "actively seeking" to find a relationship outside your marriage is without a doubt doing just that.

No one can judge you, you know your own mind and life. But to be honest, counseling is something you need to stick with. There are some very strong narcissistic vibes coming from you. You need to start thinking about either divorcing your wife or staying faithful. Otherwise, let your wife also have the choice of having this open marriage that you want.

And yes, leave the childhood out of it...believe me when I say to you that many of us here have had to overcome hellish childhoods. It is part of who I am, but it isnt what rules me.