I would like some insight into your feelings for your spouse during your affair. Some background on me, I am 27 years old,as is my husband, and we have been married 9 years. We have survived several years apart due to military deployments and my husband did come home with some war issues. We have always been best friends and really close. The past 8 months have really been lifechanging for us, as we moved to Texas, bought our first home and settled into our new life here. My husband was on cloud 9, starting school to become an Army Physician Assistant and making friends, really feeling great. Then a few months in he had a heavy panic attack that led to a possible seizure and his dreams were put on hold. His purpose was taken away as he was to only report to work in the morning and then go home and sit and wait for me to come home. During this time my job was demanding, so he felt neglected. It only took a few months, but he started pushing friends and family away, and started spending money like crazy. I was hopeful when by the last week of December he said his friends wanted him to go camping, I was happy for him to have friends so it wasn't a red flag to me. Well it only took a week for to find out that those friends were actual a friend who is a girl. He created a dating profile, although he put only looking for friendship, and opened himself up to this situation. He found someone, and when I told her he was married she was devastated- even though it had only been a week. He felt like he owed it to her to tell her in person he was married and end it, this was on our 9 year wedding anniversary. We held eachother for 2 whole days after dday- him telling me how sorry he was and what a low he had come to in his life, I was optimistic. Then came his wanting to tell her it was over, in person. I didn't like the idea, but knew he would do it anyway. He felt like she would not date a married man, but she proved him wrong when she made him an offer he couldn't refuse--- telling him you cannot deny there is something here, we owe it to ourselves to see where this goes. And that night he left our home to "sleep on her couch" and the affair because a full fledge, sexual and emotional affair and it continues. We are almost at three months. About three weeks into the affair, the OW noticed he was telling me he still loved me via text, and she demanded that he divorce me and be with her. Well, he didn't divorce me- he just changed his routine. Now, I am the OW- in a sense. He sleeps at her place, only takes a duffle bag- but as soon as she is at work, he is by my side. She doesn't drive- so he takes her to work and picks her up, and is spending money on her, and things are moving quickly. At the same time he comes home to me-- tells me I am his best friend and confides in things that bother him about her (she is a serial dater, thrives on attention, and knows how to keep a man's attention), and also tells me he isn't ready to close our door, that he can never let me go, that he will always love me, that no one will ever have him like I have him and that he will always need me. I do think he is being honest with me-- he feels like the OW saved his life because he was going to kill himself. But I think it was the distraction the affair offered, or the pursuit or a new person offered, that saved him. We are eachother's first, we do have a love and connection that I don't feel like I will ever find again. But I get criticized often for standing beside him. I don't really know what we are-- he comes around and is nice to me, holds my hand, and kisses me, even takes showers with me-- we used to be intimate, but lately we haven't been in a month. He lets me talk about how I feel, but if I am overly emotional it is too much for him to deal. He doesn't want to have disagreements, he just wants to come and enjoy my company. Part of me wishes he would just walk away from me and tell me he doesn't love me anymore, so I can move on, even though truly I would rather him come back to me and work on us. Part of me fears that if I push him away, and go no contact, I will be pushing him closer to the other woman. But at the same time, its like he is getting his cake and eating it too right? I told him this- and he didn't understand. I said when you are with her you get your needs met, and then you run to me to get whatever needs she didn't meet, so you are happy. And he said no, she is so controlling that the only time I can do what I want is when she is at work and that is my me time. Its confusing, and I don't even know if you made it this far. He isn't hiding the affair, he is being honest as much as he can be, but its the weirdest place to be- ever. I do wish it were over, the affair- and I found out about it afterwards, but I am not so lucky. So for the cheating spouse-- when you had the other person- did you still have feelings for your spouse, did you miss them and love them? Or when you are having an affair is the only person that matters the other person? There is no real benefit for my husband to play me-- as in, we don't have children, only dogs, we both contribute the same to the household, so it would be a 50/50 split-- so it doesn't make sense to me that he would play me. I do think he is honest, when he says he is conflicted. That he loves me, but he loves her differently than me. I even asked him if he was still in love with me and he said yes. He is honest, even if I don't like the answer, when I ask him things. He even told me that he feels like Bruce Wayne and Batman-- when he is with me he is Bruce Wayne then when he is with her he is batman. (umm, can you have a midlife crisis at age 27?). Or is this him saying he has a double life? When he is around me, I have hope that down the road we can reconcile, but right now he is not willing to give up the OW, and perhaps I am blind and should just realize his actions are telling me everything. Sorry So long !!
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