I think it is possible, though I wouldn't call it "falling" in or out of love. I think it goes back to what Willard Harley in "His Needs, Her Needs" refers to as the love bank. During the initial days of infatuation and usually through the honeymoon period, you meet each other's love needs without thinking about it. The bank stays at a positive balance easily, even if on occasion you withdraw from it due to circumstances. But over time, it has to become more intentional if it is to be maintained. Many couples grow apart into their own worlds, take each other for granted. Daily life makes constant withdraws while few deposits are going in. The result is over a period of time, the feeling of love dies off until one day one or both realize that the no longer love their spouse like they used to, so conclude they have "fallen" out of love.

With an affair, there is an added dimension. Often a CS experiences a "chemistry" with their AP. A level of excitement is ignited that has died off with their spouse a long time ago. They may have been "okay" or not thinking much about it before the A stirred it up, but now the contrast between how they feel about their AP and their spouse causes them to mistakenly believe they must have fallen out of love with their spouse because they don't have the same feelings. They mistake the addictive, infatuation driven by passion for "love."

But the real problem is that neither of them learned how to keep that passion alive. So the CS trapped in that belief, is destined to go through relationship after relationship in the cycle of excitement, believing they are in love, committing to that person, it grows cold over time, another person comes along that creates that feeling, the cycle starts all over again. The problem isn't falling out of love, it is not knowing how to keep that excitement and love alive in a long-term relationship.

So she is probably telling you the truth from her perspective, but attraction is not the totality of love, not even the foundation of it. For a fuller treatment of what love is, check out my article on the subject:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/5333418

Well spoken as usual, Cole!

After my h's serial infidelity, his continuing rejection and neglect of me, and his continued deceit, I can say that I no longer have any love for my h. Oh, it took awhile to accept that, but there is nothing left to love.

That feeling she is expressing to you is radically different depending on whether or not she is still in contact with her affair partner. If she has gotten clean No Contact established for a good about of time, then that says something totally different than the usual "ILYBANILWY" speach we get when they are actively in affair mode.

I love you but am not in love with you

This is FAQ number on in the healing handbook over at survivinginfidelity.com

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ1

Obviously it's possible to find yourself in a relationship with someone and come to the realization that you don't have the same feelings for them anymore. The only honorable and humane thing to do is to cut it off, without living a lie. It goes without saying that cheating is a horrible way to address the fact that you don't have the same love or chemistry for them any more.

Maybe you've changed, maybe your partner has changed, maybe one or both partners needs or tastes have changed. It is also something that can be influenced by events; for example, many marriages can't survive the loss of a child.

In some cases, the relationship may have been unhealthy to begin with. This is quite common, and deserves scrutiny, soul-searching and courage to admit. Sometimes it's best to cut your losses and admit that you're not right for each other. So many people get married for all the wrong reasons and don't choose a partner wisely. So often what people mistake for ''love'' is really codependence or some other dysfunction.

It's possible to love many people in one lifetime. That's why it's important to be discriminating and not compromise or give up. It can be painful for one partner to accept that their loved one no longer loves them back, and it's still painful even if it's mutual. Many elements need to be present for a forever partnership, and they can't be forced. Sometimes they simply aren't there. You can choose to go on with it despite this, of course, but the decision must be felt equally by both partners.

Possible yes. Normal yes. I feel that I have fallen in and out of love off and on over the course my 22 years with my H. I'm using that phrase for lack of a better one. So I'll explain what it means to me.

First there is the infatuation lusting heart all a flutter phase. That can be considered falling inlove or infatuation. As cole said after the early years or months of a new relationship it's natural and after that it needs effort and nurturing to maintain.

For me, It would, and still does reappear all the time but it's not constant. For instance we can go through a dry spell of sorts, where I'm just not horny, he's working constantly the kids are keeping me busy and we lose sight of the romance. We may even fall into old habits of crappy communication. I have not stopped loving him but I'm not feeling romantics and lustful and "inlove". I may not even feel attracted, but I know I love him.

Then ff a few months and something clicks and we find our grounding again and suddenly I'm all hot for him, missing him and really enjoying romantic time. I never stop loving him. I know that during the slumpy months or weeks I'm fine because I know I will fall back inlove. I could assume that those slumps were a permanent thing but I know they aren't. Often times people cheat or divorce because they go through this and if nothing happens within the marriage to change that it could feel as though your done.

Look how many cs think their marriage is over, they feel neglected and then when dday arrives it breaths new life into their marriage. I know it seems weird to say that but sometimes a stale dying marriage was on its wayto ending and the A shocked everybody into reality. Now would the filing of a divorce and separating have had a similar response? Probably, it would have been the wiser option but unfortunately that's not always the way things go.


So my long story short, yes I believe it's possible and I beleive falling back inlove is just as possible.

It's interesting that many people seem to equate feeling In Love with the honeymoon phase of a relationship, the romantic physical moments. That's not my personal definition. I reserve that phrase for when I realize someone is worthy of my time, my attention, my emotional vulnerability, when I can say I love them truly and deeply, warts and all.

And yes, I do think that can go away.

Not necessarily because the partners didn't work hard enough, not because they didn't have a strong enough physical connection. People DO change and evolve throughout their lives, which can disrupt the very essence of their compatibility with their spouses. Maybe 2 people got married while on or both were still relatively immature. As well, some people have problems that seem manageable when they tie the knot and become unmanageable later. I know mental health professionals don't like to admit this, but of course their careers depend on promising things can improve. (There are exceptions -- my therapist in high school told me my parents would indeed be better off divorced.)

In fact sometimes I think marriages don't work even when both partners ARE still "in love" with one another. Some partnerships are simply not mutually beneficial, as strong as the emotions might be. It's important to realize that people can truly and deeply love someone who isn't healthy for them. A marriage partner is your best friend who will always support you. Some people simply are not capable, or ever likely to be capable, of this (regardless of what the manuals say). If couples can't do that, it doesn't matter how "in love" they are, it's not a functioning partnership. It's hard to start over, but often a better choice than investing a tons of money into counseling and date nights when it's clear neither of them wants to be there.

Here's another thing: I believe that when chemistry dies, it's an insidious myth that people can always reignite that spark. People are developing personally all the time, even as adults, and maybe someone or something that used to turn you on reliably just doesn't anymore. There's only so much you can do to try to psych your genitals into responding to someone who simply doesn't arouse you. Of course, my position is that the love has to be the foundation just in case the physical stuff goes, but many people insist that it's not a marriage unless the partners are on fire for each other for the rest of their living years.

So I suppose it really depends on what being In Love means to YOU. It's clearly a very personal thing. For some people love is about trust above all. For others it's about passion. For others it's more codependent, and for others it's about freedom and clear boundaries. For some it's the intimacy of being in sync and finishing each other's sentences. Or laughing at the same jokes.

It's so broad, defining love or being in love is like trying to define happiness.

This really helped me gain some perspective tonight, which is usually when I come to dailystrength when I am struggling understanding what to do in my own relationship. My husband is quick to admit he loves me, and I am the most important person to him, he loves me like a best friend, and fears losing me, but the problems lies in that since he has had an affair, that that quick passion, that lust, that he felt for someone else, has caused him to feel that he is no longer attracted to me in a passionate way, and somehow this makes him feel like marriage to his best friend is not ideal, but instead a relationship with passion, and sexual excitement is more for him. We have been married 11 years, and I still find him attractive, and would love to kiss him all the time, but my fear of rejection and constant knowledge that he no longer feels "in love" with me, but felt that way for someone else, causes me to put walls up to protect myself. It is an endless cycle for us, and I wouldn't say we re divorcing yet, but I feel a separation is what is next for us- because he feels that he is hurting me, or wasting my time because he is unable to love me the way in which I deserve... it only causes more confusion on my part, and has me wondering when do you stay or walk away? Although the affair was almost 2 years ago, we have only been trying since May of 2013, and contact with the other woman has been done for only about 2 months of that time I do feel lost now, and I know I do love my husband... but I don't know if he will ever be sure about me, if that makes sense, it only seems the affair has confused him even more about his true feelings... for some reason he is unable to file for divorce, says it doesn't feel right, but I don't know when it ever would...

"this makes him feel like marriage to his best friend is not ideal, but instead a relationship with passion, and sexual excitement is more for him"

I may be repeating what others have said here, but what you said describes a common cycle -- the "flash" of passion, being in the moment all the time, still discovering what's novel and exciting about the other person. Obviously it's important to give time for the smoke to clear and examine what's left. Otherwise, you could keep repeating the same cycle for the rest of your life with each new partner, which is what some people do.

How long did your husband's affair last? Do you think it was enough time to get to see her flaws? My point is that he might not idealize the relationship he had with her so much if he were to be married to her for 11 years. It sounds like it's on him to decide what he really wants and not leave you twisting in the wind, because you seem to be pretty certain about your feelings for him.

What I find telling is that you said "he feels that he is hurting me, or wasting my time because he is unable to love me the way in which I deserve..." I personally wouldn't invest too much hope in him coming around. He loves you but feels guilty that he wants to be with someone else. Sounds like a mess I wouldn't want to stick around for, but do what's best for you.

thanks Spiky for the heartfelt words and advice. It is no excuse but my husband is going through a hard time in his life. He has been jobless for 2 years, as his medical issues have gotten him out of the army. He went to war as the man who loved me more than anything, and returned a different man. He is now a 100 percent disabled veteran, and lacks purpose in his life and we both know if nothing changes, we won't make it through 2014. Good things are happening though in that he will be going to a warrior camp in new hampshire for group therapy and individual therapy and they use horses as part of the therapy. He is excited, and I am excited he will finally take the time to talk to someone, and be around other people experiencing the same things as him. After that, I feel that we both think, a separation is best- unless something miracously changes in that time. As flaky as it sounds, we are both young, about to turn 30, and we were eachother's first everything- so it is that time where we decide if this is truly who we want to be with, and only be with, for the rest of our lives. Like you said, I am no longer investing hope in him coming back to me. I am only investing in myself for now, because I realize that I have invested in someone that could very easily get up and leave me tomorrow. I know, that is what marriage is about, but when the other person honestly tells you not to invest in them, then you have to protect yourself. All I know is that in 2014, I am putting myself first and in time, the right answer will come for my marriage and what to do, and more so than ever i feel that decision is just around the corner and when it does happen it will be liberating- because it will be decided and I won't have to wonder anymore where it is going. Thanks again for the sweet words, and everyday I just do what is best for me and I know everyone here understands that. I hope somewhere in there I made sense :)

Wow. This is by far the most helpful discussion I have read yet.

Spiky, your post was so insightful and spot on.

GonnaMakeit -- I am sorry for your pain. I immediately felt responsible in some weird way b/c it is the exact conversation I keep having with my husband. Hearing the words removed from the context of my relationship make me realize how hurtful and empty they are. I always say I don't know why, I can't tell you anything more. I can't tell you how to change. But Spiky's post gave me some valuable points that perhaps we could both benefit from. I am thinking now that perhaps I am afraid of fixing the problem and thats why I don't offer more concrete details as to what went wrong. Then we would actually have something to work on. So the real question is does she want to fix it or not?

Myblvdofdrean - - I am in the same place as your husband. I am questioning whether I love him. However, I lost my attraction to him before the affair. I don't know why, happened after the second child. But anyhow, I too have experienced major life issues (3 deaths in a year, leaving the home and career I knew for 13 years, parents moving in with me, and on and on). Not making an excuse for my A, but I think they are factors I need to accept may have changed my view on life. And we got married very young. After 15 years together, we are just different people.

Spiky said "People DO change and evolve throughout their lives, which can disrupt the very essence of their compatibility with their spouses. Maybe 2 people got married while on or both were still relatively immature. As well, some people have problems that seem manageable when they tie the knot and become unmanageable later. "

But perhaps these are all excuses I am making for a reason to leave. Because in the end it seems easier to walk away than to work on it.

Another similarity, Myblvdofdrean, of me and your husband is I am about to go to a wellness clinic. It is basically for people in an "emotional crisis" but not mentally ill enough for a hospital stay. My husband is fully supporting it and is starting to understand that he can not be waiting for me to come out fixed and ready for our marriage. That has been the most helpful thing for me. It sounds like you are doing everything right.