Cheaters and Betrayeds Helping Each Other Community Group
This is a group where cheaters and betrayeds can come to try to help each other better understand infidelity from the perspective of the other side because understanding can often lead to healing. Members can ask each other questions, share experiences, and provide insights and opinions without judgments or animosity. If you have a chip on your shoulder, an axe to grind,...
I have been separated 5 times from my husband because he cheated on me with strippers. (We separated because it seemed he did not want to do what was necessary to rebuild trust and security for me.) We are now together, living in the same house, with him supposedly trying to make it work. (To me, it is the same old blah marriage, although he stopped going to the strippers last year after the confession.) My question is, if he tries to initiate some type of celebration for our wedding anniversary this summer, how do you suggest I handle it? I feel like the marriage was a sham. I no longer wear my ring. He hasn't for years - said it bothered him when he did manual labor. I really don't think I want to "celebrate" it. Last year, for our 30th, he forgot about the dinner he had planned for both of us at a restaurant. I just feel numb. Any suggestions?
LyraAryn
Just come right out and tell him that you do not want to celebrate considering all that has happened. Sometimes you just have to say it like it is.
deleted_user
I agree, I would be honest with him and tell him u do not find much this year worth celebrating. Maybe you should treat yourself out to a nice massage or a girls day out so that you can surround yourself with those who care about you.
deleted_user
If he plans something I would celebrate. Dwelling on the past will keep you from moving forward. If he plans something special and follows through enjoy yourself, thank him, and look at it like a new beginning. I have noticed that if a cheater goes to lengths to show that they have changed and make up for what they have done, and their betrayed spouse does not appreciate or acknowledge those things and instead chooses to focus on the things they have done wrong, rebuilding is very difficult. If you acknowledge that he is making an effort and show your appreciation it will encourage him to keep doing it. If you ignore his efforts he will figure "what's the point" and stop trying.
e7705
The problem is my H has put in little to no effort to make things up to me. It's been a year now since his confession.
flutterbyfly
Sounds like he knows he has to do little to nothing to keep you, because you settle, so he does just that - little to nothing.
deleted_user
I am not celebrating my 26 anniversary this yr May 31st. H decided not to celebrate the last 10 knowing how important they were to me. I made beautiful plans last yr for our 25th after he said I wasn't worth the gas money for an anniversary and had him a custom made bracelet to commerrate our 25th and he never bought ANYTHING for me just as the others and he never showed up. So I let him know clearly that after him going to a divorce lawyer twice this yr alone, still lying about secret e-mail acct, and going to a hotel again saying we were done that anniversaries for that day have no meaning to me because he hasn't ever cherished the vows he took or cherished our marriage or me in any way. I will not wear my beautiful ring either because it was designed during one of his affairs, so how could it have any real meaning?
e7705
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. You don't deserve that. I hope everything works out for you.
deleted_user
Thanks e7705. You sound like you have been thru quite a bit also. My H hasn't kept one promise to me EVER! He hasn't been supportive either. He still refuses to answer any questions and doesn't feel the need to put real effort into re-building our marriage either. He constantly says "this isn't a real marriage" because it isn't all roses. But he doesn't put any effort into our marriage and has done so much to destroy it and then expects me to magically fix it all for him. Well, he is an adult and it's about time he acts like one and takes some responsibility for doing the work. I wish you all the best in getting thru this painful mess!
deleted_user
Notperfectenuf -- Sounds like you should leave the bastard. Why would you stay with such a lowlife? Go find real love and commitment -- some to cherish the every-day moments with. Then look back on each annivesary with love, not contempt. The world is yours... Live your life.
deleted_user
As you all know LostinGA is my H. How many of you consider these the words of a man who is truly remorseful for all the affairs,lies,beatings, & then says he is committed to re-building our marriage and truly reconciling and being even better than before? He makes absolutely no time for a marriage, he calls me every name, uses his job to make him superior, and tells me to check up on him and ask for proof that he is doing what he says he is yet has Never shown any at all. Just more excuses. He only comes on here to read my posts & to check up on me & use everything I say against me , not to seek help. He won't even admit to his councelor that he is physically abusive, yet says he wants to be a better person & husband but just said that the abuse has nothing to do with a marriage!!!!! I came here for help and not to play these stupid games that he seems to enjoy so much. So,LostinGA enjoy the site to yourself. You have made it clear that I have no safe place to go to try to work on myself & our marriage. It's all yours Just as you have made everything else!!!!!!!
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