I think it is inspiring that recognize and address the weak spots and post about it. It reminds people that no matter how far along you are, that bumps in the road can occur and as long as we (bs & cs) take immediate steps to work on them, we can continue to move forward.

Great that you found a good counselor. Please keep us posted about tis program.

I'm curious - How will the OM know you're working in "his neighborhood"? Is it the same company, office, etc. or is he stalking you?

The house she cleans is on his block, and if he goes in or out of the neighborhood, he'll see her car at their house. Plus, she's been going on this schedule for some time so he's likely aware of the day of the week she is there. But seeing her car is likely to spark desire to contact her like it did two weeks ago.

Tomorrow morning if you feel weak when you wake, just trade phones with Cole for the day, or just leave yours at home. You will survive.

If you feel strong, then TOWANDA!

Gosh I hope I am not aging myself with that word.

Or trade cars.

Trading is genius! Now, what the heck is towanda?

Today was when she was in his neighborhood. No trade phones or cars. I actually sort of hoped he would try, because I want her to "break his heart." About the only way it will end, I think.

But he defied my prediction. He didn't call her today. I'm expecting it to happen by our 2 year dday anniversary, though, May 11th.

I had to look up TOWANDA. Not because I'm too young, though. Only because I never watched Fried Green Tomatoes.

going, are you suggesting she smash XOM's car because she has more insurance? :)

Towanda: We decided that must mean, "go for it!" Anyway, that was my attitude today. I felt ready if he called but must admit I was relieved he didn't. I know what to say though and I am ready to say it. I like it because I don't have to be nice and I don't have to be mean. Just tell the truth. "I told my H of your last call and I will tell him of this one. I will always tell. Please don't make contact with me again." Happily, I was not nervous over there, even though I ended up going out to my car twice and working in the garage for a bit with the garage door wide open. It doesn't matter anymore if I see him or not because I know what to do.

In Fried Green Tomatoes (I know I am a dude and its a chick flick) when the Cathy Bates character decides to is going to become empowered to make her life more fulfilling, it was her rally cry.

I like the way the damn word sounds. I also like mantra's for creating self-talk that empowers us.

So, when you need to face a tough situation to power through, its a damn good internal rally cry!

So, sometimes I say Cheers! Other times I say TOWANDA!

with there was an edit button.

I like it :)

OM has not tried any further contact yet. I have begun the program. Right now I am just filling out a chart of my life. I have made it from my birth to the birth of my first child so far. It can be gut wrenching sometimes. I keep remembering more things to go back and add in. I wish this thing had more space to write in. The program is called "This is My Life." I actually have 2 counselors because my schedule is so fickle and difficult and the hours of this free counseling service are limited, so if one of them can't see me when I have a chance to go in, the other one will. One of them is the main one though. It is the best we can do for now since my business has to take priority as it is mostly our only income right now.

I feel I really need this counseling right now. I'm so glad I found it. Free counseling? Who knew?

^This. This is called healing. Not sweeping it under the rug.

It was interesting the opposite responses we got when we first announced the OM contacting her and their conversation. On CA, some, not all, suggested I should focus only on what she did right and ignore what went wrong. They took my concern that she broke no contact as being negative and unhelpful to Gabi. Quite the contrary. It would have been more damaging to sweep this under the rug and not give her a chance to heal the issue. I did not ignore what she did right either, but expressed approval and gratitude for them. But you don't progress by only focusing on what went right, but by making an effort to correct what went wrong. Otherwise, you can't make any real progress. Fortunately, Gabi knew this and never suggested we should sweep this issue under the rug, but deal with it as she has everything like this during our rebuilding. This is why we have healed so well and so fast, because of her attitude.

Likewise, some, not all, of the BSs on Infidelity suggested I should send her packing for breaking no contact. That I had to be tough, no compassion or leniency if I was going to get my message across. Now, if she did want to sweep this under the rug, if she were not being cooperative, if my gut was picking up red flag signals, those might be needed actions to take. But you don't bring the hammer down on the first sign of a problem in almost 18 months of positive rebuilding on her part. Talk about a sure fire way to send her the wrong signals and create unnecessary set backs. That would be ignoring what she did right, and take this one violation out of context and treat it as what has defined our rebuilding, and operate from that.

I think both sides failed to realize something. This isn't about punishing misdeeds for me. This is about both of us healing. As long as we are both focused on that, we can move forward into a healthy relationship. You don't ignore an infection because the rest of the body is healthy...doing what is right. Nor do you cut an arm off at the first sign that an infection might be reoccurring. Seeking healing requires balance. Treating the issue, problem, in an appropriate way so that the whole body can enjoy a healthy life.

Turning this into a focus on guilt vs. victim, rights vs. justice, reward vs. punishment, is an unhealthy way to look at this. Such a view point tends to either focus on ignoring or excusing guilt, or wanting an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth justice. Neither of which results in healing because that isn't the goal. That's why Jesus forgave the adulterous woman instead of casting the first stone himself. But with the qualification, "Go and sin no more." IOW, He didn't excuse her sin, but gave her opportunity to heal from a deadly sin.

I am blessed to have a wife on the same page as I am with this, and has not run from dealing with any wounds we find, even while we both rejoice in the great progress we have made. But it is because of this attitude that we have made such great progress.

Thank you, Gabi. I love you.