I had asked a married friend why he cheats when his wife is always bragging about how much sex they have. His answer was: "something different". The only thing I can think is that some cheat just for the sex and some cheat for emotional needs or both.
41/2 years is a long time to lead a double life. How often did he see her a month? Unfortunately I believe that some men are capable of not feeling guilt when it just for sex and that's why they most likely are able to keep it going so long without getting caught.

He started seeing her maybe once or twice a week. for the last 2 years he saw her 7 days a week, not always for sex. All it took was an invitation from her to come over to her house. He started with telling her that his wife was the only woman he truely loved but their relation developed with time. The fact that all it took was an invitation and he didn't stop and think about me or his vows really hurts.

I heard that too " something different" . I also read a survey that 40% of men cheat for variety..they just want something different. Sorry I'm not " DIFFERENT". I will never be new. I will be 'me'. Most men DON'T feel guilt. They feel like they deserve it or " Its JUST meaningless sex" . Although we knock ourselves out to remain attractive and sexy, it just doesn't matter to them.

I agree with "needhelp" that there is no way to be different. Many men do say that they cheat for variety, but I think that it really comes down to feeling something missing, within themselves, and within your relationship.

Try to get to know your husband. Its amazing how much you can miss about someone when you think that you know everything because you are married to them. So many couples becomes strangers to one another. Try to work with him to find out what he is missing, and try to introspect and see if your needs are being met. You'll never be able to control your husband's actions, but you can use this time to learn more about yourself and what you are looking for in this relationship.

Another plus is that getting to know yourself again often brings on a great deal of self confidence - and there is nothing sexier than a confident woman.

I agree with you NurseKay. I don't need something "new" or "different", so the fact that my H did, as you say, suggests that something is missing in HIM because he is the one who had that destructive and hurtful desire.

Unfortunately I think many men have that desire for something new or variety, but they suppress or ignore it until an opportunity comes along and then because it is there and available and easy, and they don't have to go chasing it or looking for it, they take advantage of the opportunity. I think sometimes they don't feel as bad under these circumstances because they tell themselves that it wasn't like they went looking for it, or did anything to make it happen, it was just there so they went for it. Somehow I think that makes it easier for them to justify to themselves. What they don't realize is that they may not have been the one who physically initiated the situation, but they often unconsciously put out the message that they are "available" too.

On dday when my H was trying to explain how everything happened - he said to me and this is a quote, "I thought you'd never find out." But I did. He confessed AFTER OW sent an email to me at work. 3 days of the trickle truth.

He also started his A while I was pregger and just got deeper and deeper into after our son got here. I think before he was born he was having and EA but was seriously unaware of it (based on his actions and the way he was treating me). After our son was born, I was post partum (severely) and I was reaching out to him in so many ways for comfort - but at that point he was not interested in me at all. His attention was in OW. All he could do for me during that time when I reached out to him, was say things that made me feel WORSE. It was then, that he knew what he was doing and was contemplating leaving his family for her. Saying things like, we rushed into marriage (we'd been together 3 years before we married, BS). Then there was the picture of OW I found in his car, and the party that we went to where he totally ignored me. Just thinking about all this upsets me.

I am, by nature, a very forgiving person. I always have been. So that's why I'm able to be the way I am. Some are not as forgiving and that's definitely not a bad thing. I can assure you that most W would have walked away from my H if they'd had to walk to path I was FORCED to walk.