Caring Parents of Estranged Adult Children Community Group
We have given our lives to our children and they reject us. We still love them but this love is now frozen in time. How do we deal with the resulting chaos of our lives? We talk and we listen to one another as we cope with this loss and assault on our sensibilities. Respect in our thinking and language are a must.
I just read this article by Dr. Joshua Coleman and I, personally, think it is so true and can relate:
"MY CHILD'S TREATMENT OF ME IS SO UNFAIR!!"
What I want all estranged parents to be oriented toward is that we have to think about what works in trying to reconcile with an estranged child, not what's fair. With most of the families that I work with, it's really unfair.
If it were really fair, the model would be the same model it would be with a best friend, spouse or somebody else--you talk about your perspective and he or she talks about theirs. You talk about how you felt hurt or misunderstood, your kid talks about how she or he feels hurt or misunderstood. You put your heads together and make sense of it, and you move on and get closer as a result. Once an estrangement is in place, it's not going to go like that.
If it were fair, you'd get to make demands about how much time you could visit with your children or grandchildren. You could ask for more.
You could demand more empathy and forgiveness for whatever ways you made mistakes with your child growing up or have over this period of time. You could demand more commitment.
If it were fair, you would get credit for all the money you spent on your child and the time spent being the more dedicated parent than perhaps was the other parent. I work with a lot of parents where there was a divorce and the parent who's now estranged was the one who spent all the time and money raising that child. If it were fair, you'd get credit for that.
If it were fair, you'd get credit for being as good of a parent as yours, or an even better parent than yours, and
for giving your child opportunities and experiences as a child and young adult that nobody ever gave you. If it were fair, you'd get credit for that!
If it were fair, your child would understand that when you say you did the best you could, you really mean you did the best you could and that people can only parent as well as they were given good role models, co- parents, or the financial and emotional resources to parent.
Focusing on what's fair probably isn't going to get you what you want. The goal is to focus on what works.
"MY CHILD'S TREATMENT OF ME IS SO UNFAIR!!"
What I want all estranged parents to be oriented toward is that we have to think about what works in trying to reconcile with an estranged child, not what's fair. With most of the families that I work with, it's really unfair.
If it were really fair, the model would be the same model it would be with a best friend, spouse or somebody else--you talk about your perspective and he or she talks about theirs. You talk about how you felt hurt or misunderstood, your kid talks about how she or he feels hurt or misunderstood. You put your heads together and make sense of it, and you move on and get closer as a result. Once an estrangement is in place, it's not going to go like that.
If it were fair, you'd get to make demands about how much time you could visit with your children or grandchildren. You could ask for more.
You could demand more empathy and forgiveness for whatever ways you made mistakes with your child growing up or have over this period of time. You could demand more commitment.
If it were fair, you would get credit for all the money you spent on your child and the time spent being the more dedicated parent than perhaps was the other parent. I work with a lot of parents where there was a divorce and the parent who's now estranged was the one who spent all the time and money raising that child. If it were fair, you'd get credit for that.
If it were fair, you'd get credit for being as good of a parent as yours, or an even better parent than yours, and
for giving your child opportunities and experiences as a child and young adult that nobody ever gave you. If it were fair, you'd get credit for that!
If it were fair, your child would understand that when you say you did the best you could, you really mean you did the best you could and that people can only parent as well as they were given good role models, co- parents, or the financial and emotional resources to parent.
Focusing on what's fair probably isn't going to get you what you want. The goal is to focus on what works.
At the time of our passing, there will be a higher power and this power will have to deal with what is fair and not fair, but at that stage, nothing will matter anyways and the slate will thus be swept clear to make room for the next generations to come. That is how fairness will be achieved, when all parties are gone fro this place. I am being realistic about this and not pesemistic. That is how it will evolve. xfmlg
Some things are just that way, other things, we get more than what would seem like our fair share of good things.
Everyone in life has unfair things that happen, and things we just seemed to have gotten real lucky on.
When something is extraordinarily, colossally unfair, it can really do a number on ya. But we can get past it better by counting what blessings we do have, whatever they may be.
/end cliches, lol
In my case, our ED does not love us, does not miss us, and likely doesn't think of us except when refining her victim story. Took me a while to realize that, and accept it as out of her capacity. It is also out of her capacity to see the unfairness in how she has treated us (and others). Looked at that way, the unfairness isn't really personal, but simply a natural byproduct of her mind's inner workings.
Most of Dr. Coleman's advice is for those not in extreme situations, as far as what he thinks "works" best to re-establish relationships. But he has come to recognize in recent years that sometimes it's better to make no attempts, as nothing will "work." These include situations where restraining orders are being threatened, or where physical or verbal violence happens.
You are in that last category, cowgirl. That's why he responded to you as he did.
My intent is not to defend or criticize Dr. Coleman. My post was informational only.
Also, I shared very personal contents of my es's e-mail to me, which is something I rarely do and I certainly did not seek or ask for anyone's advice in this post. Alana, I don't know if you read my other posts, but if I need counsel, I know where to go and I am very selective in who I ask. I was not seeking counsel in this post, and I did not need a reiteration of what Dr. Coleman already said to me.
Also each one of us knows our own situation. I know i do not like being categorized about anything. Take me as the man i am and not as the category you think i am. Please lets all be sensitive to our sensitivities as we are all undergoing various stresses in our individual estrangement stories. We each also have our own sphere of privacy thoughts about our situations and i would not want to guess what stresses each one of us has.
I know that my own stress level is very high at this moment but that too shall pass. Lets be kind and considerate to each others. xfmlg
Hugs all, we'll get through this.
.
It's only because I care about you that I pointed out he doesn't think that line of thinking applies to cases like yours and mine. I don't wish to see you abused by your son, any more than I want me or my family abused by our ED. I really don't.
I was mistaken in thinking I should put in that caution to you. My apologies.
Compromise is not possible with people who have rejected you.
My story is probably similar to the reality of yours.