Caring Parents of Estranged Adult Children Community Group
We have given our lives to our children and they reject us. We still love them but this love is now frozen in time. How do we deal with the resulting chaos of our lives? We talk and we listen to one another as we cope with this loss and assault on our sensibilities. Respect in our thinking and language are a must.
I've been thinking about this topic ever since I heard Dr Coleman mention "conflict avoidance"..
Maybe the seeds of estrangement begin when problems are avoided rather than brought out into the open and dealt with in a calm and nonthreatening way. I have never been good at dealing with conflict and I still am not to this day. I can think of several instances where I've just walked away from a situation, a person, or a community or volunteer group rather than deal with the conflict that was arising. So maybe it's not surprising that ES has stayed silent all these years when there were these deep seated issues that he was dealing with in regard to us as his parents and also his sisters.
When I consider sitting down with a mediator and attempting conflict resolution (not that it's likely to happen), it scares me. I would have a hard time keeping my cool when called names, diagnosed with mental illness (toxic and narcissist are his choice for me), and listening to revisionist history. So that is not a good basis to attempt any kind of reconciliation. So it can't happen, at least not now and probably never will happen in the future.
We've let him know we love him and miss him. So what would need to happen in order to reconcile? HE would have to make the first move, he would have to forgive us for all of our real or imagined trespasses of the past.
Isn't that how long lasting relationships survive? Each forgives the other almost daily and starts anew. Letting go of what happened yesterday and making plans for today.
But it has to be mutual, not one sided. And there is where we are stuck, all of us who find ourselves estranged from our beloved children.
Hugs.
Maybe the seeds of estrangement begin when problems are avoided rather than brought out into the open and dealt with in a calm and nonthreatening way. I have never been good at dealing with conflict and I still am not to this day. I can think of several instances where I've just walked away from a situation, a person, or a community or volunteer group rather than deal with the conflict that was arising. So maybe it's not surprising that ES has stayed silent all these years when there were these deep seated issues that he was dealing with in regard to us as his parents and also his sisters.
When I consider sitting down with a mediator and attempting conflict resolution (not that it's likely to happen), it scares me. I would have a hard time keeping my cool when called names, diagnosed with mental illness (toxic and narcissist are his choice for me), and listening to revisionist history. So that is not a good basis to attempt any kind of reconciliation. So it can't happen, at least not now and probably never will happen in the future.
We've let him know we love him and miss him. So what would need to happen in order to reconcile? HE would have to make the first move, he would have to forgive us for all of our real or imagined trespasses of the past.
Isn't that how long lasting relationships survive? Each forgives the other almost daily and starts anew. Letting go of what happened yesterday and making plans for today.
But it has to be mutual, not one sided. And there is where we are stuck, all of us who find ourselves estranged from our beloved children.
Hugs.
During all of this, I have been seeing a wonderful Christian counselor. She is not one of these therapists that "yes" you and tell you everyone else is at fault and you are the right one. She is tough, honest and makes you look at yourself, not others. In fact, if I start to complain about someone, she often stops me and asks me about my own actions and will often say, "Do you think God is pleased by your behavior?" In the beginning, I didn't always like looking at myself but I am now at a point where I want to change, I want to be better.
We always say we cannot change our kids, only ourselves but how often do we really looking at ourselves and some of our past behaviors? All I can say is that what is happening with me is very enlightening and I really never thought I had some of the issues that have come up. We are not dwelling in the past, but by talking about the past and thinking about old thoughts and attitudes......awakenings have occurred. Not pleasant either and I realized that I had buried anger and other emotions which affected my parenting. At first, I felt really bad and thought I wasn't such a great mom after all, but I didn't stay there. As we all know, we were first time parents and had "stuff" from our pasts. But we did the best we could.
After that one really hard session, once I got thru the shock of honestly looking back at some things, I then felt "lighter". I think some of us in estrangement don't really realize how our kids perceived us and that some of the things we did were wrong.
You know that statement....."I wish I knew then, what I know now." I can see how my es was affected by some of my thoughts and actions during his childhood. I wish he could get help because he is carrying around a lot and this will continue to affect him and he will continue being the way he is unless he gets help. My es's anger toward me is massive. To a point, where it is frightening.
Don't know if anyone understands what I just wrote, but I wanted to share how this good counseling is helping ME. I will even be so bold as to say we all need to take the focus off our ec and maybe place it on us and see if there are areas we may need help in. I am feeling so much better about me and really want to be even better.
These are simply my personal thoughts and assessments, relating to me.
And as you said, you are now at a point that you want to be better.. me too!! Just a few years ago I really could not have looked inwardly that way, I needed to be "right".. but time and experience has most likely mellowed me.. I'm not all "that" lol And as Christians we really feel the need to be serious about a lot of things and to pass on to our children those most important values.. maybe something was just a bit overbearing huh? I think so. I cringe now at some of the attitudes I had and enforced..
It is a very delicate balancing act parents are faced with, and I do not envy young parents of today.. so many more distractions and influences.
By the way, I'm glad if the members here are active elsewhere, we do need support wherever we can get it! At the moment I am not that interested in posting too much anywhere but I do read other sites at times when I start to feel low.. it helps to know we aren't alone.
Busy here too.. too much at times but we've survived.
Good to hear from you, have been wondering how you're doing!
Later you went on to blame your EC for everything because of his inability to "forgive and forget" or "start anew every day" which are both forms of conflict avoidance because in both cases you aren't talking about or making progress on what caused the conflict in the first place.
So to summarize you admitted you avoid conflict, but then blamed your EC for the unresolved conflict? I'm just confused as to where the logic is, or maybe I missed the message or meaning you had?
Feel free to clarify if you want. Hope you are well.
I'm not so sure I was blaming our EC for everything here, just that he's not interested in meeting us halfway.