Caring Parents of Estranged Adult Children Community Group
We have given our lives to our children and they reject us. We still love them but this love is now frozen in time. How do we deal with the resulting chaos of our lives? We talk and we listen to one another as we cope with this loss and assault on our sensibilities. Respect in our thinking and language are a must.
I have written a lot about our kids on here and how estrangement from both our kids has affected dear wife and me. I have been silent for a bit on here because there are some aspects of this estrangement that we suffer in silence because we may be too embarrassed to say things as they are. Yesterday, dear wife put it down on another site of hers as to how deep the estrangement with our son has hurt us. This is what she posted, and I agree with every word in her email. Here goes.
This is a VERY difficult post for me as the subject of mental illness in a family member is still a very uncomfortable subject to disclose and deal with.
I'm posting because no one will benefit from my silence, least of all my 41 year old son, single father of 2 children, unemployed, unemployable who needs to see himself as other's see him, in order to break through his denial.
My son doesn't suffer from psychological problems, he suffers from Lyme Neuroborelliosis. In turn I suffer from his Lyme rages, impulsive acts, wild accusations, embellishments (behavioral problems), his OCD, his paranoia, his estrangement and his "projections" which equate to Bullying.
This is one face of Lyme we rarely see or care to see: My son is a victim of Lyme, who at an early age "Post Strep", began to victimize the person he most loved and feared to lose: Mom.
Several weeks ago I received this correspondence from my son (penned under an alias). I apologize for the course language he uses but understand that this is not my son talking but the microscopic aliens that have hijacked his reasoning, his logic, his thinking, his heart, his health. Despite how painful and difficult this violence over the years has been on me, there was never a time I didn't understand "underlying cause" or stopped loving him. Both Dad and I struggle to get our son into treatment for this bacterial infection: "Lyme".
Some days I'm strong, some days I'm terrified for him, some days I fight depression and struggle to keep myself together. I have very good reason to fight Lyme. I'd like the world to know that Lyme is not ONLY physical pain. It destroys people, relationships and families.
Quote my Son:
"Ok....Try this Mommy dearest. How many Dicks did you suck while you were still married you crazy bitch. I think you are NPD and brain damaged due to Lyme and spending 100 grand on it. I AM NOT YOUR SON, you stupid fucking desperate old fool. Go fuck yourself! Haha....... The ONLY hug you will get is from the devil, when he finally gets your lymed ass for abusing your kids, you dumb fuck. So how do you like me so far wrinkled pussy"
This is a VERY difficult post for me as the subject of mental illness in a family member is still a very uncomfortable subject to disclose and deal with.
I'm posting because no one will benefit from my silence, least of all my 41 year old son, single father of 2 children, unemployed, unemployable who needs to see himself as other's see him, in order to break through his denial.
My son doesn't suffer from psychological problems, he suffers from Lyme Neuroborelliosis. In turn I suffer from his Lyme rages, impulsive acts, wild accusations, embellishments (behavioral problems), his OCD, his paranoia, his estrangement and his "projections" which equate to Bullying.
This is one face of Lyme we rarely see or care to see: My son is a victim of Lyme, who at an early age "Post Strep", began to victimize the person he most loved and feared to lose: Mom.
Several weeks ago I received this correspondence from my son (penned under an alias). I apologize for the course language he uses but understand that this is not my son talking but the microscopic aliens that have hijacked his reasoning, his logic, his thinking, his heart, his health. Despite how painful and difficult this violence over the years has been on me, there was never a time I didn't understand "underlying cause" or stopped loving him. Both Dad and I struggle to get our son into treatment for this bacterial infection: "Lyme".
Some days I'm strong, some days I'm terrified for him, some days I fight depression and struggle to keep myself together. I have very good reason to fight Lyme. I'd like the world to know that Lyme is not ONLY physical pain. It destroys people, relationships and families.
Quote my Son:
"Ok....Try this Mommy dearest. How many Dicks did you suck while you were still married you crazy bitch. I think you are NPD and brain damaged due to Lyme and spending 100 grand on it. I AM NOT YOUR SON, you stupid fucking desperate old fool. Go fuck yourself! Haha....... The ONLY hug you will get is from the devil, when he finally gets your lymed ass for abusing your kids, you dumb fuck. So how do you like me so far wrinkled pussy"
I don't think there is any point in reaching out to someone who is so angry.
The most recent attempts I made toward our ES ended badly, I think there must be something wrong with him. Sometimes he is pleasant and other times so angry, it makes no sense.
I told him and his wife it's frightening. They are living in the past.
We are worth so much more than that.
Since Christmas, I have been peaceful and hardly think about my estrangement. Never thought I would be able to say that. And I truly gave it all over to God and refuse to let it consume me any longer. Of course, I realize there will still be times, but I have focused on my marriage, my other grands, our ministry, and being around good people. I only can share what worked for me.
Forgive me for sounding very blunt and outspoken, but I don't think these videos speak very well for the adult children. It seems very immature to be middle aged and to be taunting elderly parents this way, or to be saying such terrible things about them publicly. I can't help but feel sorry for the parents. Maybe because I'm a parent in this situation myself? But I think it's more than that.
Like a husband or wife who continually belittles his/her spouse in public, thinking that the hearers will sympathize and agree.. It seems to me it makes the person saying these things look bad instead. It backfires.
It's better to take the high road and stay silent. The hearers will judge for themselves what the real situation is. Most likely, those in the vicinity will steer clear of the one perpetrating the negativity and sympathize with the one on the receiving end. This view comes by way of years of personal experience.
Children, stop this. Have some respect.
I've been told to get on with my life too, and I've done that. But it's very hard. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I don't want to comment on who did what, there is no way to know what the circumstances were, nor should I get involved one way or another. That's not why I'm here.
It just seems as though through all of this communication, there should be some point where one side or the other is willing to let go of the past to some degree.
...I'm trying to think of a way to say this without offending anyone or making excuses.. but as children are growing up, parents are bound to make mistakes, lots of them. At what point do we forgive our parents for their shortcomings? I made so many mistakes, there are lots of things I wish I could do over and words I could take back.
Years ago I was involved with negotiating employment contracts, and was clueless as to how to handle the negative attitudes on both sides. A wise person pointed out to me that it is better not to push people up against the wall, so to speak.. if you do that they are going to fight back even more to defend themselves and it will be impossible to achieve an agreement. It's human nature. There has to be some middle ground.
Alas, I've not been successful with my own son and his wife. But I let some bridges burn a long time ago because of feeling "against the wall", and now I see it just might have been a mistake.
Not sure if that's clear and I don't want to take sides.. but just that there should be more peace in the world, and especially in our families. Maybe it can start within each of us, just having that feeling of peace for our own sakes.. and living and promoting peace whenever we have the chance.