Hello, outside world
Someone else in this group posted the question about coping a few years ago and only one person responded, so I am aware that what I am about to post is like a message in a bottle--it might not reach anyone else for a few more years. But I'll write it anyway instead of a private note to myself, since writing is therapeutic for me.
How are you coping as a caregiver of a mentally ill adult child? Because from my personal experience it is easy to lose sight of the forest because of the trees. In other words, it's easy to see that one little detail that always niggles at you and zaps your mental strength.
It is of utmost importance, therefore, that you keep your overarching goals foremost in your mind as a caregiver, and visit these goals from time to time. Otherwise, the individual trees begin to take over the rest of the forest, and blind you to everything else. Soon you are crippled in one narrow spot and cannot move forward in your life. You lose sight of who you are, as well as your child. So it is important to set time to review these goals with yourself.
Self-care is critical--think of it as the core of your effectiveness as a caregiver. Before the plane takes off there is always a demonstration of how to use the oxygen mask, with the instructions to put on your mask before attempting to help others. This is because if we have not first taken care of ourselves we are useless to others.
Self-care can mean different things to different people, but here are some main elements of this:
1. Find a good therapist. It might take a while to find a good one, but make sure you don't settle for someone who isn't able to effectively help you take care of yourself.
2. Identify your goals so that you have something to focus your energies on. As a teacher my entire job is about setting goals, but sometimes we can get so mentally fatigued that we are not looking at the big goals--only the ones that become loud, clanging ones that we are trying to survive against. So take some time to figure out what the goals are. A good therapist can help with this. Think of it as having a curriculum specialist help you focus on what the big issues are.
3. At the end of the day, try to find one good thing to bring you a bit of joy--something to make life meaningful. This is where ritual can play a role in your mental health. Find something that brings your peace and happiness, and devote some time to that each day. Plan some time just for you. Work out with your therapist what this will be and keep it in balance with the rest of your life.
Don't give up. Shift your efforts, get other help if it is overwhelming for you, or take a break. Remember when you were a young mother and sometimes you had to put the kids in front of the TV with a convenience meal so that you could have a hot bath and a glass of wine? It still applies to you now because you're still taking care of your kid. Allow yourself this and don't feel guilty for it.
You are loved. You are enough.