Caregivers for Spouse Community Group
Anyone caring for spouse with a disability
Hello, I am not new to this group but been off for a long time thinking I could handle my life myself lol. I am sure my problem is quite common, but I can no longer handle it on my own. My mind is so confused I cannot think straight any longer.
First of all I have to explain that when it comes to choosing people to have a relationship with, I am the worst. I have been married four times. The first was just a teenage mistake. After that I tried really hard to be a more selective, but always used my past experiences as a guideline. I always chose men that were protective and controlling. Well obviously that did not work.
I have been in my current relationship for 23 years and have tried so hard to make it work. After about 6 years into the relationship my partner had a massive heart attack. He has never felt well since and his condition has only worsened over time. Due to my insistence we married after about 7 years. Big mistake of course!
My husband has always been very possessive and controlling but now that his illnesses have progressed he is unbearable.
I once loved my husband very much, but now my feelings are more of feelings of obligation and with all that is wrong with him I feel like I am the guilty party if I abandon him at this point. As I said, he is very ill. He has left and right congestive heart failure, He has 3 stents in his heart from blockages and had several strokes one that left him with damaged vision in one eye. He has pulmonary arterial hypertension (which is closed arteries in his lungs) and COPD and still smokes! His kidney function is down to about 50% and also has diabetes. Then to make matters worse, he was attacked by a german shepherd last year and had a severe concussion which has caused PTSD and head tremors. Like I said he his a walking time bomb but believe it or not still functions on his own. We are living on our social security which is basically poverty level but not enough for aid so we barely make it financially each month. I am perfectly healthy but if I worked we would lose what they call extra help for my husbands prescriptions. By the way, I am 66 years old and my husband is 70 years old. I do not mind taking care of him at all that is not the problem. I am the kind of person that spoils a man rotten and waits on him hand and foot, as they say. After all of these years, I finally put a title to his personality, he is a narcissist. I say that because at least once a year since we have been together he has wanted to get a divorce. I have never been able to go out with friends because of his possessiveness. When we met I had a good job which after three months he wanted me to quit and be with him on his diesel truck. Well I did that and then became the "non contributor" even though I worked right along side him for many years. He won't let me get a job because he thinks I would cheat on him and we are together 24/7 and he still to this day accuses me of having a boyfriend. I really think dementia is setting in because the frequency is getting so much more often. He tells me that I don't contribute and blames me for spending all of the money when I have been living with hand me downs for years even used underwear which I think is disgusting. His outbursts are more and more frequent. He has never been family oriented and I am very family oriented. My older daughter Lisa disowned me 8 years ago because of him and my younger daughter Cheri has continued to stick it out with me being my only source of refuge. I will be only with him for Christmas this year which makes him very happy. No money is the excuse for no life. This is the first year without being with my daughter but every year we were together as a family was a mental nightmare wondering if he would want to be together as a family. Twice in our relationship, I had a relative stay with us for a few months and in both instances when he got tired of it he made up an excuse of something they were doing and threw them out. The last time was a few months ago when he threw my granddaughter out. The worst part is not him throwing them out but the cruel and mean, hateful things he says when he does it. I left him then and went and stayed a month with my daughter, but he begged me to come home and my guilt for leaving him sick got the best of me and I came back. Well about a month ago I found out my estranged daughter, who is 47 years old, single mother with 4 beautiful children has terminal cancer. I called her and asked if I could see her, she lives on the east coast and I live on the west coast. She agreed she wanted to see me too. I begged my husband not to give me any grief over me going to see her but he is so screwed up he did it anyway. I actually struggled with the decision of going knowing I would face his wrath. He would not even discuss with me any of the details and did not want to hear about them so I made the arrangements and had a neighbor take me to the airport. After a week he started asking me when I was coming home and then proceeded to tell me I should just go somewhere else so I could get a boyfriend and be happy. Believe me at this point in my life, I will never have another man in my life. All I want is to live with my daughter and her 2 beautiful twins that are six years old. I have told him over and over though that I will stay with him and take care of him. Our home is paid for, nothing fancy but all that we have got and of course he threatens to sell it. At this point I don't even care about that. Though I had always hoped to have it in the future once he had passed away. What should I do? How much of my life do I owe this man?
First of all I have to explain that when it comes to choosing people to have a relationship with, I am the worst. I have been married four times. The first was just a teenage mistake. After that I tried really hard to be a more selective, but always used my past experiences as a guideline. I always chose men that were protective and controlling. Well obviously that did not work.
I have been in my current relationship for 23 years and have tried so hard to make it work. After about 6 years into the relationship my partner had a massive heart attack. He has never felt well since and his condition has only worsened over time. Due to my insistence we married after about 7 years. Big mistake of course!
My husband has always been very possessive and controlling but now that his illnesses have progressed he is unbearable.
I once loved my husband very much, but now my feelings are more of feelings of obligation and with all that is wrong with him I feel like I am the guilty party if I abandon him at this point. As I said, he is very ill. He has left and right congestive heart failure, He has 3 stents in his heart from blockages and had several strokes one that left him with damaged vision in one eye. He has pulmonary arterial hypertension (which is closed arteries in his lungs) and COPD and still smokes! His kidney function is down to about 50% and also has diabetes. Then to make matters worse, he was attacked by a german shepherd last year and had a severe concussion which has caused PTSD and head tremors. Like I said he his a walking time bomb but believe it or not still functions on his own. We are living on our social security which is basically poverty level but not enough for aid so we barely make it financially each month. I am perfectly healthy but if I worked we would lose what they call extra help for my husbands prescriptions. By the way, I am 66 years old and my husband is 70 years old. I do not mind taking care of him at all that is not the problem. I am the kind of person that spoils a man rotten and waits on him hand and foot, as they say. After all of these years, I finally put a title to his personality, he is a narcissist. I say that because at least once a year since we have been together he has wanted to get a divorce. I have never been able to go out with friends because of his possessiveness. When we met I had a good job which after three months he wanted me to quit and be with him on his diesel truck. Well I did that and then became the "non contributor" even though I worked right along side him for many years. He won't let me get a job because he thinks I would cheat on him and we are together 24/7 and he still to this day accuses me of having a boyfriend. I really think dementia is setting in because the frequency is getting so much more often. He tells me that I don't contribute and blames me for spending all of the money when I have been living with hand me downs for years even used underwear which I think is disgusting. His outbursts are more and more frequent. He has never been family oriented and I am very family oriented. My older daughter Lisa disowned me 8 years ago because of him and my younger daughter Cheri has continued to stick it out with me being my only source of refuge. I will be only with him for Christmas this year which makes him very happy. No money is the excuse for no life. This is the first year without being with my daughter but every year we were together as a family was a mental nightmare wondering if he would want to be together as a family. Twice in our relationship, I had a relative stay with us for a few months and in both instances when he got tired of it he made up an excuse of something they were doing and threw them out. The last time was a few months ago when he threw my granddaughter out. The worst part is not him throwing them out but the cruel and mean, hateful things he says when he does it. I left him then and went and stayed a month with my daughter, but he begged me to come home and my guilt for leaving him sick got the best of me and I came back. Well about a month ago I found out my estranged daughter, who is 47 years old, single mother with 4 beautiful children has terminal cancer. I called her and asked if I could see her, she lives on the east coast and I live on the west coast. She agreed she wanted to see me too. I begged my husband not to give me any grief over me going to see her but he is so screwed up he did it anyway. I actually struggled with the decision of going knowing I would face his wrath. He would not even discuss with me any of the details and did not want to hear about them so I made the arrangements and had a neighbor take me to the airport. After a week he started asking me when I was coming home and then proceeded to tell me I should just go somewhere else so I could get a boyfriend and be happy. Believe me at this point in my life, I will never have another man in my life. All I want is to live with my daughter and her 2 beautiful twins that are six years old. I have told him over and over though that I will stay with him and take care of him. Our home is paid for, nothing fancy but all that we have got and of course he threatens to sell it. At this point I don't even care about that. Though I had always hoped to have it in the future once he had passed away. What should I do? How much of my life do I owe this man?
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