OK, wrote this as a response to a friend's journal entry but it made me clarify my own head too so thought others might get something out of it too;


Aggression:

We need to be very clear about the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Being assertive is simply about standing up for yourself and your rights. It is simply action or speech to that end and does not involve negative emotions. Aggression, on the other hand, is action or speech that is the result of negative emotions, usually anger. Someone does or says something that is hurtful or breaches our rights, we get hurt or angry, and then act on those emotions and become aggressive. Usually doesn't achieve as much as assertiveness as an emotional response will only generate emotional responses from others. The depression that follows is a result of being controlled by others. As you said, you, nor anyone for that matter, likes to feel hurt or angry. When we do get aggressive, that means that the other person managed to get a reaction out of us that we did not want them to get, or in other words, they had power over us to make us feel something we didn't want to feel! Very depressing indeed :/

I think realizing this dynamic is the most important step towards stopping it. And the way to stop is is to have better control over our emotions, which in turn is achieved by having better control over our thinking. To that end, the most important thing to always remember (also good for other issues) is that people do not spend much time thinking about others as they're too busy thinking about themselves, and whether their behavior is helping them achieve what they want to achieve. So, when someone does or says something negative, instead of thinking about how their behavior is a sign of disrespect or hostility towards us, getting angry about that and then getting aggressive, what we need to do is to acknowledge that they simply didn't even consider that the behavior is unfair on us and were thinking about what they need to achieve. Might sound selfish but its common and normal human behavior. If we look at it that way, it becomes easier to keep our calm, and thereby ensuring they can't control our emotions, and then express to them in a calm,clear and logical way why their behavior is unacceptable :)



Life of harmony:

Not against reality at all. Well, maybe against the reality we might be living in at the moment but not against ALL realities. This topic is probably the most important lesson I've learned over struggling one way or another most of my life; we create our reality! Have to get a bit existentialist to explain this one but it does come down to the age old question of what is real? and, Who are we really? The full thinking this through would take a few books but the summary I can present here is that; We are simply awareness. It is actually quiet accurate when we say 'my' body, 'my' mind, 'my' thought, 'my' emotions, as these are things we possess, they're not us!

Now, if we get to 'reality' with that in mind, reality is nothing other than what that awareness is aware of. The problem is, 'pure reality' is a bit tricky to perceive as what we're aware of is that reality after it has gone through a number of 'filters' such as our senses, brain perception, thinking, memory matching and emotions. As these filters are all trained over time by our experiences, different people are bound to have a different awareness of 'pure reality' which results in people living in different realities. It actually takes many years of training to learn how to perceive 'pure reality' and its not everyone's cup of tea. However, in order to lead happier lives, we do need to be aware of these reality filters and make the effort to modify the ones we can to make 'our' reality a healthier and happier one.

Considering the focus of our senses and our emotions are controlled by our thoughts, the most logical way to alter our reality is to alter our thinking. And the easiest way to do that is by being selective about what we think about and how we choose to interpret them. If we see the positives in life as how things should be and pay no attention to them but focus on the negatives as bad and intentional, we're destined to be unhappy and live in a miserable reality. On the other hand, if we see the negatives as accidents and pay little attention to them but positives as special and intentional and keep our focus on them, we end up with a very pleasant reality with occasional accidents :)



Weird Interests:

Who cares what others think ;) If you're enjoying something and not harming others in the process, not only should you keep at it without feeling bad, you should also enjoy them overtly. As long as we stay honest with ourselves and others, life sorts itself out. Regardless of the interest, there will always be some who will think your interests are weird and you're a freak and they will stay away, and then there will be those that have the same interests or will appreciate you for having unique interests and they will hang around. Good way to end up only with people on the same wavelength me finks :)



Love:

A very misused and misunderstood concept, and seems to have 3 main meanings in general use. First is the hormonal reaction we get with certain people, never lasts, and I think is better defined as lust. The second is the long term respect and comfort we share with someone and I'll send that to the relationship section. Last and the one I use is simply a positive emotion towards someone or something we value very highly. This makes it an internal and personal thing for us, making it independent of whether the object we feel love towards is present or, feels the same emotion towards us. That is actually most excellent as it means that we can love anyone or anything :)

And that is where true contentment really resides; loving everyone and everything! Again, thinking in an existential way helps here as when we realize the wondrous nature of existence, we recognize the perfect worth and value of every part of that existence, and its pretty easy to love perfection :) In return for this love, we get to live our lives surrounded by people and things we love and can not get hurt as the emotion we feel towards them does not depend on anything or any action on their parts :) And, perhaps most importantly, learning and putting into practice this pure love, we also learn to love ourselves, which is the critical key to happiness and independence.



Relationships:

This one takes much care to get right - healthy relationships are probably one of the most satisfying aspects of being human but, just like everything else powerful, unhealthy ones can be the most damaging. This stands for any kind of relationship, whether it be between friends, family or the guy/girl thing. I think what determines whether a relationship is healthy or unhealthy is the amount of attachment, reliance involved and whether its a equitable sharing, as all relationships are basically about sharing, sharing experiences, interests, emotions, good times and the bad. The more we're attached to and reliant on the relationship itself, the more we're likely to ignore problems in what it is that we're sharing. Sharing an unhappy and unproductive relationship just because we're attached to it and think we have to have it is sort of like driving an inefficient and dangerous car because it has sentimental value, just going to cost heaps, cause lots of problems and stress and possibly be the end of us! Not too smart and can't have another car as its expensive and extra trouble to keep 2 on the road (and not too ethical and reduces self-respect in the human case). So, having the car you're not happy with not only creates a whole lotta problems and stress, but it also gets in the way of getting the right one which can bring peace and contentment! Of course, we also need to look at whether we're doing the right thing ourselves, contributing to making a relationship unhealthy and whether we can do something to repair the arrangement we committed to but if this is not possible, its usually best to end the commitment that is damaging to all involved - yes, both, as being something shared, an unhealthy relationship is always damaging to both, even in cases of an abusive partner, as such a relationship would further encourage the bad behavior and prevent them from becoming a better person.