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Insight into quitters who don't quit?

Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd

This isn't a crisis, but it is a request for insight into a phenomenon that seems to have unique characteristics in online peer support like ours. In the last three months I've had at least four different long term members suddenly declare that they were leaving DS for good.


None was angry with me. In fact, they all sent me private messages bidding me a fond farewell. Yesterday one did just that. As with the others, no specific reason was offered.


All four decided to come back, including yesterday's. One had frustrating technical issues with getting back with us as before, not technical issues that were DS's fault or her fault.  They just arose from leaving/returning all at once. I gave her all of my support while being really sorry to watch her go through the whole cumbersome ordeal.


None of them is a trouble maker, it's not that all all. I know it seems to be a way to get attention, of that much I'm aware. What I'm wondering is why.  


Could it be because here online that they feel too invisible, that there's not clear evidence enough to some that they're being "seen?" That because of the virtual reality of being here online folks feel that they need to perform a test of presence and absence to be sure they're really cared for?


I try to answer all of the posts I can daily, with care to try to balance distributing my attention as Community Leader equally between long time members and new members who need to be welcomed.  Just wondering if this happens on your sites where you're Community Leaders, too. 

Community LeaderMid
Mid
It has happened to me, a couple of times, and one did come back, but their posts have been few and far between. There is a huge disconnect with staying in touch with the new system for those who came in under the old program. I am not able to keep up with all the new people who come to anxiety, simply because I'm limited on line due to care-giving responsibilities for my elderly parents. I know what you are saying. Here's what I say to myself, you are one person, and you do what you can, knowing that you may be helping others.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I think sometimes people may go through a low spell or get a little upset with a member and they quit and then calm down and come back or they leave and then miss DS

This has gone on with both the old and the new system..... although as you've written mideye some haven't stayed on the new system and given it a chance.....and I agree we can only do the best we can

A big part I think is due to not hearing tones of voice and seeing facial expressions so if a member does get upset with another it can seem exaggerated

Care giving is hard mideye..... You are in my thoughts and prayers......xo
Community LeaderThePepperMan
ThePepperMan
I've seen a lot of "I'm GONE!" posts. For some it seems to be an impulsive thing, for others it is pent up frustration. When I get those PMs about leaving I express sadness about seeing them go, but try to leave it open so that when/if they come back they feel welcome to contact me. I give the same basic response when I see a post with the same message.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Yeah, Pep, it seems like an impulse thing enabled or enhanced by technology or something, the way the very different phenomenon of trolling is internet enabled/enhanced. Thanks, I also express sadness but try to leave it open for when the impulse passes and they come back around.
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
I have seen them too and think it's not a fault of us or the site just a need to break away. I have to take a break from here and life to collect my sanity, but the desire to return brings me back. I miss some who aren't here but I must concentrate on those who are. Difficult at times but my choice.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Yeah, Shrn, since I'm a community college instructor I guess I could think of it as following that model. We have summer break, we have graduation.I gue ss people need breaks and need to move on to another level at times in their personal growth just as they do in school, huh?
Community LeaderWanderingVet
WanderingVet
I probably cannot define it all very well, but I think there are two 'groups' of people ... those of the Old DS and those of the new. The prior may have good reason to leave .. they can/could not get over the change. Kinda like democrats. The group of 'newcomers' probably get the impulse to leave for (some of) the reasons people 'left' the old DS ... bullying, misunderstanding ROR, etc etc. For myself .... the change did more 'harm' to the DS entity than good ... by far.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
I have been trying to leave for years, but I have learned to take my time over big decisions. Either that or I just yield to peer group pressure and stay. Kind of like Hotel California and your worst high school nightmares rolled into one.

But seriously.... sometimes people are disappointed that they can't get the support they need immediately, and sometimes you are dealing with folks with layer upon layer of issues ("more issues than Vogue" would describe a lot of folks I've encountered). Humans need to be loved and comforted. When you are in the midst of crisis, it's especially hard going when no one responds and you realize that the other members that were your friends and supporters and inspiration aren't here anymore -- many because of the revamp of the site, some simply just moved on. In my group, Widows & Widowers, we expect people will not stay as their grief dissipates and the need for affirmation declines. However, I always encourage people not to close their accounts in case they hit a bad patch and need to come back. And almost all of us in W&W do hit those tough times and come back.

In your group Muji, it's probably a combination of all of those things. My best advice is to let them know you care and to encourage them not to shut down their accounts but leave them open and take a break. It's also helpful to remind people about reporting abuse, as sometimes there is stuff going on in PMs that causes people to leave that we don't know about. That's just a precaution but it's also another way to let people know they are cared for.

That's my two cents...er, or perhaps $1.50......

Love and Hugs...
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