Hi there... I am a bit at a loss for how to start this other than to just be very honest and say I am in a bit of a desperate place. I have BPD, I was diagnosed almost two years ago now I think. Since then I have been learning more and more about it and the pieces have been falling into place slowly but surely. BUT, one thing that I have yet to be able to figure out on my own is how to deal with the feeling of being misunderstood and alone! I feel like every action I take and every feeling I have must be analyzed to death in case I do or say the wrong thing because of my BPD. Im doing my best to be self aware but there is no reward/satisfaction of feeling like somebody just... gets it. Or appreciates my efforts.

The kicker is.... is it wrong for me to feel the whole emotion just because I feel it so intensely? I have yet to meet a therapist that acknolwedges my feelings for what they are and how I am experiencing them instead of them assuming they know what I am dealing with based on their textbook knowledge of what BPD is. 

I can do all the meditation and all the exercises and it helps to a degree but there is that deep, deep sadness that isnt getting touched by this stuff. I can try to make the anxiety lessened but I feel like it finds a way to creep right back in and explode in my chest because it isnt just the initial thing that gave me anxiety, it is now also the knowledge that nobody can have that calm, collected conversation with me about what I am dealing with. I always feel like every emotion I have is too much and I just wish all the time that I could not feel anything anymore. This leads to extremely negative thoughts and eventually a very dark place.... I feel like nobody understands.

The only person I know who has BPD is my mom and she is the reason why I now have this so naturally I dont talk to her. The genetic factor and also the fact that she abandoned me in every way growing up is the reason why things ended up the way they did. My step-dad did this too. So now I am trying to fix my issues but every therapist I have talked to so far seems unequipped to handle everything I bring up in our sessions. Forcing me to break things down one at a time is helpful for them and myself too so I dont get overwhelmed, I get that, but to then just leave all of my feelings that I expressed very clearly just in the dust like that feels terrible. And I keep addressing, addressing, addressing, and the response is always "you shouldnt feel that way, go do some DBT exercises"!..... What? Something saddens me.... for a good reason. Just because I have BPD doesnt make every emotion I have not have any merit. I will do my best to regulate myself but the empty feeling isnt going away especially when I feel like it doesnt matter if I try or not when nobody can talk to me like I am a whole person.

I just feel like I am waiting all the time for someone to come along and make me feel like I am not crazy for feeling this way. I happen to be in a relationship with someone who is more of a thinker and not a feeler so that doesnt help :/ I cant go to them for advice or to open up and be vulnerable because it just turns into "you should do this and this and this"... when what I want to hear is "I understand that you feel that way. Ive been in similar situations" or "this reminds me of this thing I went through and I can get why you would feel that way". And I tell them that I want a response that is more like that (I think I am a decent communicator for the most part).... but if there's personality differences then it feels like nothing can ever change.... it feels like a lost cause. You can ask for something but if the other person is just that different from you then it feels like a dead end every time. For me it's been seeming like this. I dont like thinking about life like this. I like to think that with enough effort, a good place mentally can be reached and maintained. I always want to keep trying but Ive been feeling overwhelmed by the weight of it all and like it is one step forward, two steps back every time I try to open up.


Everyone wants to keep talking about the intensity, intensity, intensity... Yeah no sh*t lol I know I have intense, unregulated emotions from time to time. But to say that I shouldnt feel that emotion AT ALL is ridiculous. I agree, I wish I could just feel the emotion within a reasonable range of intensity, but even then would you acknowledge my feelings?? Probably not.... I could be cool as a cucumber, explain myself the best I can, go to a room to cool down and let you think about what I said.... but it still feels like I am doing too much because now that I have this damn label over my head, everyone wants to jump down my throat telling me what to do about it instead of just... letting me feel... being there for me like they would for anybody else. I cant accept my feelings when I feel like I will burden everyone else just by having them, whether I have a poor reaction or not. It makes whatever I was anxious/sad about that much worse! Because now I am alone with these feelings... 

It is like everyone just wants me to go to my corner to process these things alone and all I want is someone right there with me trying their hardest to understand everything I am feeling. But it feels like nobody can do that and I feel so lost and alone. I am scared though to reach out to anyone because I dont think I am a good enough friend anyway. After going through this time and time again I have become very fearful and I doubt my capabilities in relationships. I get so negative once I get to that dark place and if I cant have really open communication then I just shut people out because I feel like they are better off without me. So I almost feel like I am undeserving of the help/love that I know I need. Very contradicting. Either way, I just feel so bad. But I know I have to keep trying and reaching out. Just losing more and more hope with each passing day. I feel like I am running out of options. Im trying to check myself and keep my mindset more optimistic but I feel so stuck. I keep trying and trying and trying to get the help I need but it just isnt working. I dont know what to do anymore.