I am doing my best to keep my side of the relationship with my mother and sister normal and sane. it seems like that is an impossibility. I have in the past tried to make civil conversations about our problems, but it always get used in manipulation and twisted around. I cannot even say anything in an affirmative way, for my mother and sister will use my own words against me like it is coming from them. Now I have become trigger happy in hanging up the phone. I hate doing that, for I believe in having productive conversations to better our relationship, but see that as of right now, it is not a possibility if ever.

An example:

My one sister likes to call people up to complain about other family members, and gets very angry if you do not want to get in the middle of it. I have very kindly said that I did not want to get in the middle between what was going between my two sisters or Mother. I have tried to talk to her in the past, but it goes over her head, unless she hears the words she is right. This is not about who is right or wrong, but about respect and boundaries. I am seeing that my sister and mother who I was told had BPD have no boundaries. Anyway, I have in the past told my sister that I did not want to discuss this anymore and she would ignore me and keep me on the phone for at least on the phone an hour or longer. My only way out is just to hang up.



It has gotten to a point that I can not even discuss it with them, especially my mother, of the problems anymore, for they sound sincere, but use it against me. They turn it around and act like they are being assertive with me. it messes with my sanity! Many times I just want to break down and continue being the patsy and the scape goat and work on allowing it to roll of of me instead. My mother consistently entraps me to engage in controversial topics that I can not civily talk to her about unless I completely 100% agree with her. If I don't she yells at me, swears at me and tries to punish me.

I now do my laundry at a facility due to this, which is a hardship on me, because I now have a torn abdominal muscle, and can not carry anything heavy. I ask my nephew to help me bring in my laundry and return it when I am done.

My mother stills does everything she can to entrap and engage me in a stupid arguments, by inviting me down to dinner, than asking why I said no. I see this as a trap, for I know from the past that my mother is not sincere in wanting to know, but wants to use it as a way to engage me and put me down. Now if my sister did not have any kids this would be a lot easier. I adore my nephews and nieces very much.

Because of this, I keep having to hang up the phone on both of them.

Another example:

My mother called yesterday and left a message on my phone. When I called her back after getting home from grocery shopping, she asked me all kinds of personal questions about where I went, why I was not home etc. I know from the past that she does not care, and only wants to know to use something against me. I started to tell her out of habit and stopped saying mother what does this have to do with why you called me? She than went on to say that my Uncle Lionel and my other sister better not have worn their shoes to help me carry my food groceries up the stairs. I ignored it, and asked her what did she want and why did she call me? She contiuned to go on saying they better not have tracked in dirt on her stairs etc. I than hung up the phone. I am sure this is without consequences though, and in a very tough position being disbled , being on Social Security Disability and needing help with money and physically. She uses this against me as well, thus why I do not do my laundry at her home, encase she would try to punish me by refusing to bring up my laundry from the basement.



Many times when you try to explain this to someone else, it is hard because many of the things are very subtle, and to them might seem is petty, but it builds up, and also why they get away with it. I am literally stuck between a rock and hard place. I am not not sure moving away will be the same, for I suffered from great loneliness that literally made me sick and crying every night. I am not sure which is worst. Even without the daily interaction, just knowing someone is there sometimes helps me. I hate it and wished I did not need that, and could live alone in peace and be self sufficient without needing any of my mother's help. This is having a toll on my mental as well as physical health, being on edge all of the time and waiting for it, whatever it may be. I am living in constant fear of punishment. My therapists applauds my assertiveness and doing my best to not engage them, but why does it hurt me sooo much?

I still never found out why my mother called, but she uses that as well, like if you interrupt her she puts on a whole scene and pouts, and when you ask for her to finish she does a who monologue. it is so incredibly childess and insane. She wants you to ask, for that is another trick for her to engage in a petty argument. SHe even goes so far as to ask me if I want to know what was the point of her story or why she called, and I say that if she doe snot want to tell me that is her purgative. She gets mad at this for she wants to be begged, and I will not do it anymore. if she starts to do her monologue thing, I say I change my mind, I really do not want to know. it is not worth all of this.

I am seeing things through different glasses or eyes, and now am questioning everything in my life, and it has made me very paranoid. I use to call my mother my best friend and put her up on a pedestal, but have awakened to the truth of her lies and manipulation of the facts. It is like she abuses you so she can be the savior, even though it was her that caused it. I am on edge of trying to figure out what is real and what is the illness. it is extremely stressful and I am suffering a great deal because of it.