Hello everyone I'm new to the group but not new to raising a child with mental illness. My adult child has moved in and out of our home since age 19. After dabbling in drugs an excessive amounts of alcohol and to many suicide attempts to number, I was forced to get a restraining order for my protection. Seven months ago I was physically assaulted by my now 23 year old, which ended in a month long stint in jail. My adult child has assaulted everyone they have lived with thus the return visits home. After returning home from another suicide attempt, the behavior got more withdrawn. Local community doctors changed medications that professionals took a long time to perfect. Less than a week later my adult child threatened to kill me in very graphic details and directed me to read their journal which had a detailed disturbing plan. My adult child had just purchased the weapon spoken of a day before. My other adult child works every day and manages their own money etc..  My spouse feels sorry for our adult child and if it weren't for the protective order, they'd sweet talk their way back in. My adult child is currently in an institution for a year unless they can get someone to get them. I spent my life worrying over my child and now I'm afraid. Until you've read the words I imagine myself covered in your blood and brain matter, you can't comprehend that level of fear. Walking into their room after they're gone and finding the weapon they stashed for your murder. I've read a lot about familcide and matricide since. I've read that large amounts of majuana can trigger an underlying mental illness to manifest itself. Five generations back the adult child has schizophrenia in the family. The doctors will not figure this out because said child refuses to let them know they are hearing voices and seeing things. Anyway I know that was a lot to take in. The ER doctor told me , "I deserve a life too." I thought how selfish doesn't he see my adult child laying their recovering from an overdose that almost took them out. As afraid as I am for the both of us, I do believe it's time to let the professionals take over their care. It was keeping the family sick and still not helping. I read that after so many failed suicide attempts it's not unusual to transfer the pain onto the closet person to you and wrongly think if you just kill that other person it will make all your problems go away. So my advice is the same as the ER doctors just a month prior to said adult child attempted to take my life! Not everyone's situation is the same or advanced to this level. I'm open for questions and comments. I'm hoping this group will grow and become more active. ~btdt~ (been there done that)